A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There is this girl, and to make it short, I feel as if she stole my heart an never gave it back. Therefore it's really hard for me to be open to feel anything for anyone else.I told her I like her but she reacted in the way I figured she would, very level headed. She told me she was very glad I told her and that I can tell her anything. I knew though that whether she had any feelings for me or not, she would not say anything because she isn't like that and because she is too focused on her law school studies to focus on anything elseSo she knows I like her and she has never seemed to have a problem with it. I'm not forward or anything but she knows it, but doesn't really hint anything for the reasons I specified. It drives me insane.I'm not saying I'm interested in anyone else but how would I know if I think about her every time I try to be open? Should I just ask her if she has feelings for me at all? I can live with waiting for her to be done with Law School. She is worth waiting for but I cannot wait for something that will never happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't plan on keeping my mouth shut. Right now there is a girl I work with. She's nice, and I don't know if I like her or not it's too early for that but I want to be open to that. As I said though, I can't because I KNOW I have feelings for her.
I know it will be hard, and even harder to hear her say she doesn't like me but if that's what it takes to move on then so be it.
Thank you
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2014):
 No no, OP, maybe I did not express myself clearly. I did not mean that it does not sound true, or it can't be true .
My point was another , the following :
so this girl had a secret boyfriend. You did not know she had a bf, and the other students / classmates did not know she had a bf.
But, obviously, the secret Bf KNEW he was her bf, right ? So, it can only have gone in one of these ways :
1 ) either she TOLD him " You know, I really like you "
or
2 ) he told her " You know, I really like you " and she REPLIED him back... " And I like you too ".
In short, she seems perfectly capable to make the necessary arrangements to get herself a bf, ( albeit then she may decide to keep him secret ).
So, if she had had romantic inclinations for you , isn't it reasonable to assume that , either she would have told you, or ,when you told her "I have feelings for you ", she would have answered " likewise " ?
rather than just " thank you for telling me " ?...
Anyway, I don't want to be too discouraging- if you feel you have got a chance, you will have your own good reasons to feel that. Just saying, that if you have this doubt, it will be really hard ( and EXCEEDINGLY delicate ) to keep your mouth shut for 3 years ... just to not possibly steess her out !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it doesn't seem true, but it is. I knew she had a boyfriend but I didn't know who it was. The guy I thought was her boyfriend was actually her best friend. The guy who really was her boyfriend was a guy that I thought was just her study buddy or co-officer in an organization. There was no affection, no intimacy, nothing. When I found out, I was with a group of friends and none of them had a clue either. Her boyfriend always looked emotionless. She didn't, but I never saw it in her eyes. I didn't tell her that though. That was her relationship. Maybe that's just the way she is.Over time I have noticed her increase in stress. She became more consumed with school work and her jobs. Her now ex boyfriend was also, but he was more heartless. He thought of only himself while she, like me, thought of everyone not just herself. She was so busy but tried to make things work, balance work, school and a relationship. They stopped talking. He didn't support her, and they broke up. Now she is in Law School, which is according to her, more difficult than anything she has ever done. I go by what she tells me, not what I feel.I like her, and sometimes I wonder if it's more than that but when I try to say in a seriousness the L word I can't. Maybe it's cuz I don't feel that way or because I'm afraid to feel that way because I don't want to lose anyone else. Maybe we are just friends, I don't know. I need to know though. No matter the answer, I still want her in my life. She is an amazing personThank you Cindy
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 October 2014):
Eh "the fire she is in ".. and the brimstone .. :). OP, let's not exaggerate. You sound like a very considerate friend and she is lucky to have you, but do not feel bad for also thinking about yourself. If you need to ask her something, then ask her something ! If she is such a level headed girl, she can surely handle a simple " yes or no " question ?
Although, OP- again, I do hope that I am wrong, but I rhink you are a bit illuded here . It sounds to me as if you have been firmly friendzoned.
It may be very well that she is the type of person that plays with her cards close to her chest, but... you say when she was in a relationship ( btw, wasn't she studying then too ? ) that happened under your nose and you did not .Nobody know.
Yes, but... the GUY she liked and was in a r/ ship with KNEW, right ?:) Obviously she let HIM know that she liked him back.
Why should not she do the same with you ,if she liked you romantically ?...
Anyway, considering that you sort of NEED to ask that question for your own peace of mind, and your future plans, ( and hoping that I have been too pessimistic ) - I still think that you'll have to go ahead and find out where you stand. Good luck !
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 October 2014):
I think if she liked you she would have told you the same time you told her. You may be wasting your time to wait for her because chances are that she will only see you as a friend. You can stay in her life but only at arms length, as friends should be (pretend she is less than perfect).
Do not ask her about her feelings. Do not be alarmed if she likes someone else. Do not become bitter with hatred is she dates someone else. You are not committed to this girl so please try find someone who will at least give you a chance in dating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer Law School is not right around the corner so I literally won't see her for another 3 years except for holidays and stuff, maybe. Every time we talk, she tells me how stressed out she is, how she isn't eating, seeping, and how her instructors treat her poorly. She has soo much on her plate because she takes it very seriously and I just try to support her as much as I can.I care about her greatly and believe me, she is not shy. She is very mature, very well spoken, but her last relationship, I didn't even know existed until someone told me about it and they were right in front of my face all the time. I feel like I need to ask her to move on but I feel like a bad person for adding to the fire she is in.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 October 2014):
I suppose there's no harm in asking her. At least you would know where you stand, rather than hoping and wondering, and it would be easier for you to move on if your feelings are not requited. In this view, you'd better ask anyway.
Frankly I am not too optimistic , though. Ok, you say that " this is the way she is " and you know her while I don't... nevertheless I suspect you might be a bit bending facts to suit your hopes.
I mean, ok, she may be shy, reserved, level headed , all you want, but I simply can't figure ANYBODY so shy withdrawn collected etc.etc. who could not answer with
" Oh.. really ? I like you too " when approached the way you did by someone she IS romantically interested in.
OP, you served her her chance on a silver platter !
" You know, I really like you ".... " Thank you for your sincerity ". Is that the possible answer of a woman who has romantic feelings for you ? Honestly, I don't think so. At least I can't conceive it. She should have ice in her veins, or be autistic, to answer like that.
And the part about being too focused on studies to want to date ? That's the politically correct answer who only holds true until there is not anybody REALLY interesting and really charming on their radar. Sure , it's true that some study courses, like Law or Medinine, are very demanding and do not leave a lot of time and energy for personal pursuits. But only in the sense that these students have less time than average for going on a lot of dates or going away weekends or taking lots of vacations together etc. There are time constraints, that's true. Which does not mean that Law or Medicine students don't or CAN'T date till they are done- because in fact they do , all the time. Just like everybody else. The only difference is that they may need a little more attraction, a little more enticement to be motivated MAKING time for a significant other in their busy, demanding schedule. But if they think it's worth it, they do. Being a Law student means you are busy, not that you become a monk or a nun.
As you see, tbh, I think that she has been giving you the PC answer to spare your feelings . Nevertheless , I do encourage you to ask her about her feelings for you : a ) because I can be wrong after all ! I don't always guess right ! and b ) because, as you say- you can't be waiting years for something that may never happen. But, if you don't have a precise answer- deep inside you WOULD hold hope even when hoping isn't wise anymore, and you'd waste a lot of time. You need to have a yes or no answer. So be brave and go get it :)
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A
male
reader, bluewarrior911 +, writes (19 October 2014):
 Do "NOT" ask her if she likes you. Don't do that...EVER!!
She will let you know in her own way and in her own time. In the meantime, relax; have fun with her (and other girls); and go SLOW. If you play it right, she will come to you and it will be really obvious...trust me. Here is my point:
"Love is like a butterfly. If you chase it; it will elude you. But if you sit quietly; it will land quietly on your lap."
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