A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been married for 14 years.have always had a good relation with hubby for first 10 years except for in laws who kept interfering and troubling us. After 10 yrs he slowly started drifting away and had an extra marital affair with a girl. Now that affair has come to an end and that girl has married someone else. but in the meanwhile i have found I'm attracted to an old friend of mine.Both of us had crush on each other but neither had the courage to approach each other. we came to know this lately. we dont intend marrying each other. we both love our spouses but still feel attracted to each other. should i stop this or is there no harm in this relation. Also he wants to get physical. should i allow that.is he trying to use me or is he genuine? how do i judge that.kindly advise.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): Instead of going outside of your marriage, perhaps it is time that you and your husband decide to get a divorce; and pursue your romantic-interests as single-individuals.
If you are asking for permission to cheat on your husband, feeling justified by his infidelity; no one here has any right to offer you that. We don't really know you, or how your husband might retaliate against you in discovering your affair. It is sometimes customary in may cultures to look the other-way when it comes to the indiscretions of a husband; however, there may be very serious repercussions for a wife doing the very same thing.
Why won't you leave your husband? There is no happiness between you, and now you're considering doing the same thing he did. Upon discovery you are cheating, what do you think he will do? Grant you his blessings? You are still within childbearing-age and might get pregnant. Wouldn't that add to your woes?
Cheating for cheating is never the answer. Getting the nerve and resolve to let a marriage go when it isn't working is. Yes, you will have difficult times during a divorce. You will have legal costs and suffer much emotional-distress. Well, add all this to the hell you'll catch when your husband discovers you having an affair! He will divorce you anyway. Many women are badly beaten by raging husbands in your country. The authorities may levy no charges against him for it. He might take everything from you, and leave you penniless. Is that why you've stayed, in spite of his cheating and indifference to you?
I hope you have you have a good job, that you live in a very progressive area of your country, and that you choose a wise way to resolve your marital troubles. Divorce him, regain your independence as a women, heal from your broken marriage; then start dating. Hopefully in that order.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): A certain part of me,wants to say go for it...its a good genuine tit for tat romance, but i have to ask my self if it is in fact more than a revenge fuelled ego boost? What made you want to keep your cheating partner in the first place,and have,you lost respect for him totally?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): I'd never advise cheating but... At the same time, I kinda would like for the cheater to get a dose of his own medicine.
You say that affair has ended NOW and that you started drifting away after 10 years (i.e. 4 years ago). SOOOO, has his affair been going on for the last 4 years and only ended NOW coz she got married?
I also kinda like your explanation (if true)-it ended coz SHE got married. So to HER her own marriage matters more than this affair. To YOUR husband YOUR marriage did not matter enough... To YOUR potential affair partner... HIS marriage does not matter enough...
The only question left really is: how much does YOUR marriage matter to YOU??
(seeing as both men in your life don't respect the institution of marriage much... to say the least.)
Then again, I've heard that divorce etc. is very difficult in India and more socially frowned upon. Soooo... you only have this one had chance and you've only live one your life so if it suits YOU, go for it (seeing that neither HE NOR YOUR husband respected you enough).
HOWEVER, if your heart is in it- don't. IF it suits you-I don't see why you should be faithful to a cheater who has only suited himself and for whom the only reason to end an affair is HER marriage not HIS(actually, I doubt YOUR husband ended the affair, I think SHE did. ANOTHER interesting point- you say the affair is over now BUT if he was presented with another opportunity to cheat do you think he would take it?? My impression: YES)
So, basically, if you want an affair partner- don't do it with someone whom you "love" because they'll only break your heart, just like your husband did.
IF you can't get a divorce and is not the done thing in your country-better find someone who LOVES you more than you love them... Might help heal your heart a bit.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 You need to stop all affairs and look at your husband and see what and how to fix things. Hopping from one impossible affair to the next, irrespective how you feel, is too much of an empty rollercoster that will get you nothing but possibly have you loose everything.
This is not an issue of how you feel for other people but how empty you feel for your husband. If you love him as you say then why don't you concoct ideas how to show that to him. Find ways so he can have qualities that you see in all these people you want to have an affair. Find ways for him to open up to you and show you the attention that you've been getting from others. You sure can do that because you got two other people to show you affection so why not your immediate husband.
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A
male
reader, mani  +, writes (5 May 2015):
I would never condone an affair even if I'd been cheated on. You need to make things work with your husband or leave him, it's that simple. Not sure if you have children but please bear in mind that you'd also be cheating on them. My dad cheated on my mum 18 years ago (they're still together and happier than ever) and I'll never trust him again or truly forgive him.
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