A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have discussed the topic about marriage and how we could work it out due to the fact that we both are different religions and were raised differently. He is a jehovas witness and I am catholic. The way we were raised is opposite, almost like day and night. I was raised celebrating all the holidays and birthdays and he wasn't. It is actually a big deal because we both have strong beliefs. He doesn't expect me to convert and neither do I expect that from him. We find it difficult to find a compromise. We love eachother so much and that is why we have not broken up just because of religion, only because we want this to work but its scary thinking that if we were to continue together and get married it may not work. Do couple with different beliefs usually last? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Religion matters to you a great deal or you would not have brought it up in this post.
Does it matter to you that a future marriage is invalid in the eyes of the Catholic church if it is not performed according to their rules?
Does it matter to you that if your future marriage is invalid then you cannot receive communion?
I did not know these things when I got married 16 years ago and became aware of them only a few years ago when I became more active in my local parish. Since I have recently gone through the process to validate my marriage (within the last two months) I can tell you that the requirement to bring up your children as Catholic is not true any more. I have a kid who goes to Catholic school but is not baptized. I signed a document that contains a reminder about my obligation to raise any children to be Catholic but nowhere does it say thou shalt baptize all offspring in the church.
If you two are not yet engaged then talking of marriage is somewhat premature. If you two can continue to treat each other with respect and ignore the hardline opinions in your respective church communities then religion will be less of a source of conflict between the two of you.
My pastor was very patient and understanding during my process. If the two of you do get engaged that would be the time to approach your pastor. Good luck and take care.
A
male
reader, liammac  +, writes (27 October 2011):
As long as you two love each other and are happy with each other, you shouldn't let it come between you.
Relationships are all about compromising and finding a happy medium. If you think that both of your religions are going to get in the way, then I say move on.
But always stick by the decision you make. Otherwise, it will destroy you.
I wish you nothing but happiness,
liammac
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (27 October 2011):
Just because your parents brought you up with certain religious beliefs doesn't mean you have to practice them. In fact, both beliefs can't be true at the same time, have you ever considered that?
I think you are confusing "beliefs" as in your parents religious beliefs and *your own* beliefs.
If you two each believe each other is wrong about what religion is right then you're not going to work out as a couple. Tragic if you get on in all other ways though?
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female
reader, terilmicks  +, writes (27 October 2011):
My boyfriend is also Jehovah's Witness and am Catholic. We have been dating for a couple of years. In the beginning I was the one that was more inclined to my beliefs. However, some time in May his small brother died and he started taking church seriously. He now goes to church every sunday and oftenly has Bible Study. He has tried to talk to me in the sense of taking up the Jehovah's Witness side by buying me books and reading materials relating to them. I do feel a little confused because all my life I have been brought up Catholic and my mum also was catholic. Thing is my father was an ACK and mum taught us her faith.I would really love to spent the rest of my life with my boyfriend but I know we will have to deal with the religious differences. In Catholic, when you get married to someone who is not CAtholic you have to sign that you will bring up your children in the Catholic way. This may not be entirely agreeable to him. We have however decided that religion is meant to lead us to God. We therefore are keeping an open mind and trying to find the truth together. I may not admit it now but I think i have started inclining to the Jehovah's witness side. I dont know if i should feel bad that I am getting swayed but for me what is critical is to find the truth and follow God's ways.I am sure you will figure it out. Whatever you decide though remember that your being together with your husband should bring you closer to God. If it is possible to draw closer to God while married then go ahead, if you think you will get further away from God then think twice about it.All the bestterilmicks!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Get married ? He can't marry a Catholic. If he gets married out of his faith he'd be very probably disowned or expelled or what-they-call-it, I don't quite remmember, and not only in a realigious sense, but in a very practical one. i.e. not only he could not pray and worship with his community, but they would not TALK to him or invite him anywhere or entertain social relationship with him. He'd be an outcast. A high price to pay even for a strong love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): I don't believe they last. I think they may last awhile maybe for several years, but ultimately I think they will either break up or drift apart emotionally if they stay together.
see, when you're talking about beliefs you're talking about things that people aren't willing to compromise on. as one other poster said, if it's a BELIEF rather than an opinion, then that means it's something you (a) feel very strongly about (b) will not compromise on. If you're willing to compromise then it's not a belief.
take religion for example. if you're a Christian then you believe that Jesus is the son of God and the savior of mankind and only through him can anyone be saved. That's what Christians believe, which leaves no room to believe that any other god is real. If you don't actually believe this, then you're not really a Christian at heart you're just paying lip service to the religion. Which is a different thing.
So...how can two people who both believe different things, ever be married happily ultimately?? It would require ongoing denial. Or it would require that you "know" that your spouse is not going to go to heaven with you. And they're thinking exactly the same thing about you. And that makes you sad because you love him and he loves you. So in the end how can you not be trying to convert one another??
and then if you have friends of your same religious faith who are probably married to people who also share that faith, and they're happily raising their kids in their religious tradition and can relate to each other in spiritual matters and support each other in their spiritual journeys, how can you not become disappointed that you will never have what they have? It may be bad enough, if you're religious, to be married to an atheist who believes that you're nuts for believing in your faith but otherwise will probably not bother with your beliefs because it doesn't affect them, but maybe it's worse if you're married to someone who believes you're WRONG and their religion is RIGHT? Then how will you raise your kids? won't they get mixed messages if they hear from you that your God is the one true god, and their father is telling them that his God is the one true god? Or will you raise your kids as atheists?
OK if you're not really all that religious then it's not such a big deal, then you're both actually more atheists and just paying lip service to those religious backgrounds due to family history or whatnot. If so then this is easier on you both because you're actually believing more or less the same thing, just pretending not to, if that makes sense?
but if you're talking about REAL hardcore religious beliefs, then no I don't think couples of different beliefs will last, or if they do, they will drift apart from each other eventually. I just don't see any other way unless one or both of them gives up their beliefs. (and if you could or would so easily give up your beliefs just to suit another person in this case your spouse, then that means it wasn't really a belief in the first place so this discussion is moot....)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): "We love each other so much and that is why we have not broken up just because of religion.'
Religion matters very much in your relationship, so much so that you felt the need to tell us that you are Catholic while your guy is not.
Does it matter to you that the Catholic church will not recognize your marriage as valid if you do not follow their rules regarding mixed marriage?
Does it matter to you that while your marriage is invalid you may not participate in communion?
I recently had my marriage of 15 years validated by the Catholic church but my wife and I have not let religion get in the way of our relationship. My kid goes to a Catholic school but she is not baptized. As I get more involved in my church I continue to respect my wife's beliefs as much as she respects mine.
Your future mixed marriage will not work if you start listening to the hardliners from both religions and acting upon those extreme recommendations. But perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves if the two of you are not yet engaged.
If you are active in your parish when you get engaged then you and your fiancé should discuss with your respective church officials the ways to have a valid marriage ceremony. My experience with my pastor was very good through my validation process - he was very patient with me and my wife as we worked our way through it. In the end my wife did not want to go through with a ceremony in the church so the diocese was able to grant a sanation of our marriage to make it valid.
If you and your guy are truly respectful of each other then religion will not get in the way despite the best efforts of outsiders to stick their noses into your business. If your pastor is as understanding as mine then you'll get good advice from him. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2011):
 The only "mixed marriage" couples I know are Jews and Christians (some catholic)... all of them are very long term marriages (all over 20 years)
a couple of things come to mind however
neither couple had children
neither couple is devoutly religious although both couples celebrate more Jewish traditions than Christian.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): My grandfather is Episcopalian and my grandmother is Catholic. They've been together for fifty years, and have three children and five (soon to be six!) grandkids. The only problem I see is how you raise your kids. I say let them decide. The rest is communication and compromise.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 October 2011):
Unfortunately statistics are not on your side, studies show that one of the factors that work against a lasting marriage is different beliefs.
However just because that's how it is for most people in this situation, doesn't mean that's how it will be for you individually. There are always exceptions to the rule. it just means that you may have more challenges to overcome and more compromises to make in your relationship than other couples, but that doesn't meant that you can't overcome them. it does probably mean that you may have to do more "work" to maintain your relationship than other couples.
The thing is to show each other respect, and not try to change each other. I think this is probably what it comes down to when you both have different beliefs. Obviously if you didn't feel that strongly about something, it wouldn't be a "belief" by definition it would be merely an opinion or preference. So if we're talking about serious *beliefs* here, not just mere personal preferences or opinions, then this is where the difficulty could lie in the long run. If you're not wedded that strongly to your respective 'beliefs' then it will be less of an issue to compromise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Well, couples with different beliefs can last. It's just how much of it you are willing to let go. You have to always respect each other, and what you both believe. And that can be shown in small ways. For example, him getting you a birthday/christmas present; and accepting that you might want to do the same. If you are serious, then you need to have a talk about the future... What you'd do raising kids. Honestly, i feel children should be allowed to choose their beliefs, and shouldn't be forced into anything! The end of the day, religion would be the craziest reason to end a relationship. You just need to know where you both stand; what your expectations are. If you love eachother, then you'll respect those differences you have.
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