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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is always talking about us having beautiful children together. Is it OK when he has no emotional connection to his 14 year old son? He used to take him presents and take him out but the boy's mother apparently used him as a pawn to get to my boyfriend. He said he wasn't going to be manipulated by her so he stopped seeing his son. He says he occasionally sees him in town but would probably not recognise him these days. I asked why he is not more concerned about knowing him and he says it's because he hardly knew him growing up and has no emotional connection. There was another guy on the scene who thde mother wanted to have as 'dad' so my boyfriend stepped aside to make it less confusing. That guy has long gone and there have been several others since then.I said I think it would be good for his son to know that even if others come and go, he is a stable influence and will always be his dad.He said he saw his boy's uncle in the pub the other day and gave him his number to pass on to his son, to let him know he can contact him whenever he likes. He says now the ball is in his court. I think you can't say the ball is in the court of a 14 year old! How do you know he even got the message? Surely he needs to make more effort.I asked him how I could be sure he won't do that to our children. He said, 'are you kidding? I'd be totally in love with our children'.I know he's crazy about me and is sincere about wanting kids. I just want to know if you guys think that fathers often opt out of their kids' lives like this when there is a step father on the scene, and if it's acceptable. I have to say I find it a struggle to accept.Thanks for your time Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): Step fathers don't feel like fathers. Its not the same and never will be. Your bf is ruining someones life and doesn't care. He doesn't give him birthday, Christmas or presents when he gets good grades. He sounds heartless. I can't imagine you see him like this. There are nights when I sleep hungry because I gave my food to my daughter. I can't imagine a day without my child let alone years. If u can bring a life into the world with this man good luck. I wouldn't count on him for anything.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (18 November 2012):
Let me offer a different perspective. My dad had kids from a previous marriage before he got together with my mom (which he still is, 25 years later). His relationship with his ex has been strained for as long as I can remember. She has bipolar and has only been diagnosed in recent years, but her behavior back then suggests she's had it a long time. When I was a kid, I'd see my half sisters every other week or so until I was 8 and my dad and his ex had a huge falling out. His ex said he was a bad influence on the kids and din't want him around them anymore, so after that I didn't see them for 3 years until they were on speaking terms again.
Now teens, they were pretty hard to handle. I remember that whenever they'd come over, dad would try his best to make the day enjoyable for them, but they'd complain of stomach aches or tiredness and whine when they couldn't get it their way. This happened every single time, also when we visited them.
After a while dad told them that since they were growing up and wanted to be regarded as adults, they should be free to decide when they wanted to see him and us. He asked them to contact him when they needed him or wanted his company and/or my company. I was 11 at the time and they didn't contact us again until I was 17. Now in between my dad still sent birthday cards and came to bring presents, but other than that they showed no desire for him to be in their life.
When they called, they called for money. Right now I can say there's finally a bond forming, but I just want to point out that it's not always the dad's fault.
In any case, give your bf a shot. His ex may be very manipulative. Then again, I do think he should do the reaching out to his kid; the boy deserves that much. My dad has his faults, but he always initiated contact directly.
Ask your bf how he thinks it comes across to his son if he finds your bf couldn't even be bothered contacting him directly? It doesn't sound like a father wanting to spend time with his son.
In any case, thoroughly discuss this before deciding to have kids on your own with him. My dad was always there for me, but you have to gauge from his behavior if you think he'd be there for your kids too.
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reader, xAx +, writes (18 November 2012):
 my parents divorced when I was 4 and my biological dad stopped seeing me when I was 13 so I haven't seen my biological dad for almost 7 years. if my biological dad told me what your boyfriend told you and if he made such little effort like he does, I would be absolutely furious! to be honest, reading your post has made me upset because this man doesn't know what emotional damage he's doing to his own son! not seeing my dad has left a whole in my heart and even though my mum has been with my loving step dad since I was 8, it doesn't change how I feel deep down inside, and admitting that is hard. I can't accept how my own flesh and blood isnt trying his hardest to be in my life and having a loving relationship with me! my mum has gone through so much in her life and has never stopped doing her hardest when most people would give up. family should always be there for eachother no matter what! so I understand how you can't accept what your boyfriend says! and to be honest, from what I remember and from what my mum has told me, my dad never really cared and never accepted responsibility which is what your boyfriend is doing. if he's making pathetic excuses already and getting away with it, what's stopping him not loving your future children? I suggest that if you really love this man and want children with him, that he sorts his situation with his son first and prove to you that it happen. so no, I don't accept what he's doing at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): My father had that attitude to me, his own mother told me that he said "he hopes once you're 18 you will get in touch" I made up my mind at 12 that any man who thinks a child should be the one making the effort is not a father I want anyway. Turning 18 came and passed and I sincerely hoped that every year since I was 18 I never appeared that it left him realising what a cowardly thing he had done.
He is still a very respected member of the community but his brave actions in his day to day life to me will never prove he is not a cowardly little boy inside.
Your partners son may feel different but as a teenager if I had found out my father had gone on to create a new family without a second thought to me I would have been severly upset. I was disappointed enough anyway without having that bombshell added, being a teen is a challenging time without adding extra stress or confusion.
Your partner, if I'm honest, reminds me too much of my own father and so my words will be biased. I do not feel he deserves any more children, especially when there are men and women praying just for one - he has one and turned his back on him. You deserve someone who you won't have a nagging doubt in your mind that should you both part ways he won't do the same to your child.
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 November 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus. I think his past is going to predict his future.
He punished his son to avoid being manipulated by the boy's mother. Any man worthy of being a good parent would have been able to maintain the relationship in spite of what the mother was doing.
I do agree that once the relationship (bonding) fails that it is hard to get it back. But it is possible and unfortunately, for your guy, it was easier to walk away.
Would he do the same for your kids? I believe that he could be good father material IF the two of you stay together forever. It is also possible that the bond with your kids could cause him to realize what a jerk he has been to his son. And he could step that relationship up.
You don't need to be the biological father to be a father and it is a shame his son hasn't had the advantage a father could give him.
If I were in your shoes, I would not have kids with this man until he can prove he is a good father. He has 14 years of making up to do with his son and if he can't put his son in YOUR lives (if you're going to be in his life) then I think I would move on.
This isn't going to be easy because his son will be angry and hurt. The process will open up wounds for everyone including the mother. It will take extreme effort on your boyfriend's part as well as a lot of swallowing of pride.
There is a hierarchy of responsibility and the mending of this relationship falls clearly on the PARENT. By the way, the order is PARENT, ADULT, CHILD. So you being an adult, you need to also be more responsible (as does the boy's mother) than the 14 year old child.
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): Hi it's the OP. Thanks for you insight. He doesn't provide any money.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): "I think you can't say the ball is in the court of a 14 year old!"
My thoughts exactly OP. I know men who would move heaven and earth just for an extra day a week with their child and while I have known and met other guys with children in this world they don't see I do not keep people like that in my life. Your child is your most important family member, they come before everyone else in your life and to stoop so disgustingly low as to blame the mother for not seeing the child or your boyfriends thoroughly pathetic "I passed him my number, he should be the one to contact me" shit I can't respect that or people like that so I don't have them in my life.
not only does your boyfriend not make the effort but as I said he blames the mother, step father and the kid for not making more of an effort with him. Wow, that's a seriously flawed attitude don't you think? So it's everyone else's fault but his that he's not even trying to be a father to his own child?
"He said, 'are you kidding? I'd be totally in love with our children'."
Sorry bro but what you say and what you do are two different things.
"I have to say I find it a struggle to accept."
And so you should OP because it's not acceptable. I'm sorry but to me that's completely unacceptable for a father to do. It's guys like him that ruin things for guys who want to be fathers but can't get access because courts favour women, the reason they favour women is because of the prevalence of dead beat dads like your boyfriend.
You know that OP, if he doesn't even pay child support then that's it for me, I wouldn't even tolerate that person as a friend. Our morals are obviously too completely different.
OP you have 14 years proof of what he's like as a father, you'd be a fool to think he'd be any different to your children, especially if you broke up. A fathers' first duty to his children is a provider, of love, support, guidance, money, he has failed on all those categories except perhaps the money thing, you haven't said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): Well just don't have kids with this guy. He stepped out of the picture to make life easier for himself, not his son. He's cowardly and pathetic. He didn't fight to see his son at all.That 14 year old boy probably wonders why his dad doesn't want to see him and yeah putting a kid in that situation where he now has to make the first move is just completely thoughtless. Your partner doesn't know how the mother will take this news or what effect it will have had on the family.This guy can't look after or even emotionally care about the 1 child he's already got. He doesn't deserve anymore. He may be there for your children while he's with you but I doubt he will actually put much effort into their care and if you split up, he won't be seeing them anymore. Truth is I think it would be silly to settle down with this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): "My boyfriend is always talking about us having beautiful children together. Is it OK when he has no emotional connection to his 14 year old son?Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES. "He used to take him presents and take him out but the boy's mother apparently used him as a pawn to get to my boyfriend."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES."He said he wasn't going to be manipulated by her so he stopped seeing his son." Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES."I asked why he is not more concerned about knowing him and he says it's because he hardly knew him growing up and has no emotional connection."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES."He said he saw his boy's uncle in the pub the other day and gave him his number to pass on to his son, to let him know he can contact him whenever he likes. He says now the ball is in his court."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES."I asked him how I could be sure he won't do that to our children. He said, 'are you kidding? I'd be totally in love with our children'."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES."I know he's crazy about me and is sincere about wanting kids. I just want to know if you guys think that fathers often opt out of their kids' lives like this when there is a step father on the scene, and if it's acceptable."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES."I have to say I find it a struggle to accept."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES.Absolutely no excuse for boyfriend's despicable and unconscionable treatment of his son. You can not and should not believe a word he says about his son. "I know he's crazy about me and is sincere about wanting kids."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES. You can not and should not believe a word he says when "he tells you he loves you" or when he claims to be "sincere about wanting kids." Like any lying scumbag, he'll tell you whatever you want to hear just so he can continue getting laid regularly and frequently. Sorry, but that's who boyfriend he is, a heartless, selfish bastard willing to cast aside his own flesh and blood, leaving a defenseless, impressionable young boy to grow up witnessing a parade of men traipsing in and out of Mom's bedroom. Sorry, but you are an absolute fool to even be in a relationship with such a scumbag, never mind even considering the possibility of having kids with him. He doesn't mean a word of what he says, he is stroking your ego and fluffing your your vanity for his own benefit, pleasure and convenience.Any guy who is that rotten to his own child can be just as rotten (and worse) to his girlfriend, even if he's shacking up with her. Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES.
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