A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have found in two long term relationships with men that as I get to know them and I start to talk more openly about my feelings and vulnerable aspects of my thoughts or personality they use those very things to either undermine me in an argument or try to play mind games or manipulate my thinking later on. This has really affected me as it has happened over long periods of time and now I feel in the second relationsip that I am still in that I simply don't want to talk about myself anymore. I feel really low about it and I've started to shut myself away. What is going on here? Do all men do this? Is it me... as it seems like this guy is starting to do heavier stuff just like the first one did and it feels pretty cruel at times and I am crying a lot. However it seems once I am broken down things seem to ease - its as if they have 'got me' (I sense this). Am I being paranoid? My boyfriend tells me I need to open up but then when I do I often feel told off or picked on. To be honest my head is feeling messed up. Please help.
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female
reader, janche +, writes (12 November 2008):
I've reached the age of 60 yrs before I realised men were that cruel. I had 30 yrs with a gentleman. I married again at the age of 57 yrs for 18 months and now divorced and I have experienced mental cruelty as you described your experience. I have always been a caring sensitive polite and loving life type of person. He is a cruel destructive man. I was an easy target. Not street wise. You have to accept that you are with someone who needs the control. You have to be a gentle sort of woman cos let's face it he couldn't control anyone who tells him to go away.He does get his kicks when you are down.Control.Manipulates you, takes away your confidence. Trouble is you start to believe you can't do any better and actually get used to it. I'm old and getting over it and have wasted a couple of years. Your young.There are good men out there. Get away from this man.He won't change.He knows it's not the right way to treat you but hey he enjoys it and you let him so why shouldn't he. He has no respect for women.There are a lot of men like him.
A
female
reader, TanyaLea  +, writes (14 August 2008):
I can tell you I'm going through a very similar situation, and I know you feel betrayed, they use things you felt comfortable telling them. Then they use it against you and threaten you with it when they've done something wrong. To turn the situation around on you. My boyfriend had me convinced I was crazy till I started watching his patterns. They seem to do it when they feel backed into a corner when they do something wrong. He wants you to be the one thats wrong, and for you to feel that you need to apologize. I finally put my foot down with him, I will not talk to him, you feel like your being interogated like he feels you are contstantly doing something wrong he wants to find something. When in reality. He's the one doing the accusing, the searching. He's probably the one with something to hide. They say the people that constantly accuse are hiding the secret, but they want to feel intimidated to ask them by taking something you confided in them about to hurt you with it. I know it sucks but I think I'm coming to realize they won't stop doing it.
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A
female
reader, tasleem +, writes (14 August 2008):
if he loves u and isnt using u or trying to get anything out of you and reassurin u and u c the truth and after that if your heart feels its true then its true if still in doubt then your worth much more and you are far too good for him and proud to be a woman, remember always play hard to get, and dont open up to them let them open up to u quick it will be better for u trust me and always keep your prioritys first not his cuz hes a man, hes the provider
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A
male
reader, ryandude18 +, writes (27 June 2008):
 i dont manipulate anyone and never will.
but then again i am only young and dont know about relationships properly yet
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Just wanted to thank everyone for their replies I am so grateful for the good thoughts and advice and I will consider it all very carefully before I make a move.
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Some people, men and women are manipulators. It is about control and power.
As you know from the other relationships where this happened, it didn't get any better and the relationship ended.
If this is happening in your current relationship, chances are it will just continue.
You can stand up for yourself and make it known you won't be treated poorly.
Best wishes xo
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (23 June 2008):
 In my experience, there are more women who are manipulative than men - and a manipulative woman does it very much more effectively than a manipulative man.
The only answer I've found is not to open up the areas that make you vulnerable to manipulation and put-downs too early in a relationship.
Not everyone is manipulative, but it's rather sad fact that it's a human tendency to try to mould your partner into what you want them to be. As a relationship develops, you begin to learn what you can comfortably tell your partner and what you can't - and the range of private information that you can share will grow as time goes on once you know your partner won't use that particular "secret" to push you in a direction you don't want to go. If you are very lucky, you might reach a point when there are no secrets left and everything feels comfortable, but I think that nearly all of us have at least a little corner of our minds that we will never reveal even to our lifelong partner.
The person you settle with needs to be someone with whom you can eventually share the majority of your thoughts, your feelings and your secrets without feeling threatened. As I said, not necessarily all of those thoughts, but most of them. Take it very, very slowly in the early stages, and if after some time you are still finding that he takes advantage of every scrap of personal information you tell him - then he's not the one for you. He doesn't really care for you, only for himself.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 June 2008):
 The first poster said it perfect in their last sentence. Too often people get into relationships expecting the other person to fill a void in their life. No one can make someone else be happy. You can enjoy time together. React to good gestures but in order to be happy, you must already possess a sense of happiness prior to the relationship.
You need to start setting boundaries around how you demand to be treated. People operate off reactions. For example, if it was my turn to do dishes, and each time it was I faked like my finger hurt. You then said "That's okay, I'll do them, you relax and watch tv." What is my reason to stop that behavior, knowing you'll do them anyway? So who's fault would that be. Mine for taking advantage, or yours for allowing it to continue.
Stop accepting less than you deserve. Be firm with how you choose to be treated. We all have vulnerabilities. Even with them, doesn't mean you can't put your foot down with how your treated. You are your own person, so truthfully, you determine how they treat you. Keep strong and eventually those who don't want to treat you well will begin to disappear.
I hope this helps. And to answer your question, not everyone is like that.
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A
male
reader, logicdebates +, writes (23 June 2008):
Some secrets are best left just that, a secret. If he is rude, ditch him and find another guy and don't tell him any secrets about you. Have a debate about anything, as long as it's not about you.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Hi there,
its is hard to tell if you are overreacting as you don't give any examples. So sure, it may be something that is inside your head that you are allowing to take over your rational thought processes.
But more than likely you have just had two relationships with men who are controlling or who get a kick out of treating their partners poorly. There are plenty of men out there like this I'm afraid.
If your current relationship is driving you to despair you should end it and spend time with people you are close to. It is not healthy to spend your life in a state of constant worry, you need to take a step back and start to enjoy the simple things in life. If you feel you cant get on top of things you can always seek some professional help.
But don't give up on men yet, we aren't all jerks and a lot of us make loving supportive partners, you just need to find one. Which may mean for you reassessing what qualities in a male attract you , you may just be picking the wrong type of men.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, B-NaneR  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 I can absolutely assure you that all men do not do this because I am one of them. I would never do such a thing. I just think it is low to manipulate or play mind games in a relationship because that just ruins a relationship totally, there is no turning back when someone has done such a thing. There are always those guys that will butcher ones selfesteme by bringing up the past or saying something very personal to bring you down so they feel powerful. I feel that there should be no single power in a relationship, but the power should be distributed between the two, ya know.
Maybe just take your time on opening up, get to really know 'HIM' before you do so (in the present or maybe future). Please dont stress too much about it, you just have to face that there are some cruel people out there. Just be strong and be comfortable with yourself. Do what you feel is right, it is not you its the others, so dont go blameing yourself on anything, you are doing nothing wrong. It seems that you just want a happy and respectful relationship, is there really something wrong with that? I dont think so. If you are not comfortable with opening up just yet (i dont blame you after what you said about the first relationship) than just tell him that you are not comfortable yet and you just want to wait until you are, if he is a good huy then he should except your decition.
I really realllllyyy hope everything works out for the best and I hope I helped you. Im sorry if i didnt.
take care :)
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 You don't give any examples of what happened. Understandable but it makes it hard to judge whether you are over-reacting OR these past men did indeed try to use your feelings against you.
If this boyfriend is doing things to make you cry on purpose, that isn't a good thing at all but it might just be that you are to sensitive for his normal behavior. Some people are just harsher to others, while others break down at the slightest criticism, hard to say what is going on in your case.
But on the whole in a relationship people should be there for each other, not to make the other feel miserable. It might just be that you two aren't right for each other. If you are sensitive you need someone who respects that not someone who just steamrolls right over your emotions.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (23 June 2008):
Not all men, or women will take advantage of someone like guys have done to you.
But I think alot will. Its sad that many people, when given the chance will do that. However, not eveyrone does it, thats why its important you do not accept such behaviour from anyone. There is better people out there!! They are just harder to find.
Why does this happen to you? Its not your fault that they chose to be cruel and treat you badly. But it is part of your responsibility to protect yourself, although this can always be hard at times.
Think abck to the first two men who did this to you, before they first manipulated you, can you think of ANY signs that they werent a good person? Things such as a gut instinct is a good clue. There will always be signs, but people often ignore them. Take note ofthese isngs to prevent yourself from geting with epople like that.
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