A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I were married this past Sept. We were engaged for almost two years and talked about everything from philosophy, religion, finance, and etc... We talked about one household, one budget, etc... but a little before we got married, he started giving me maybe 20% of his income. After we got married, he assumed it was enough. I make about twice his income and pay ALL the bills. After our first argument - he increased it to about 35%. He says gas is high and he has expenses... whatever... he still has about $600 of surplus after his gas money. Fine. I tell him, that I will let him enjoy his freedom until Spring at which point, I will redo the entire household budget, and we both will only have $200 of spending money each (which is how much I keep for myself) I told him this does not include his gas money. He likes to hunt and wants to make his own bullets. After spending his more than generous allowance, he has no money in his bank (he has $90 in cash) and wants to use a credit card to buy the parts he needs. A credit card -- for a hobby.... (after already having a more than generous allowance). We got into big time. He brings me my card in shreds, stating that he "fixed the problem." He wants his own card where he won't be monitored. Now first of all when he needed his part, I told him wait three days ... i'd put extra money in his (sub)account. He couldn't wait three days? Shouldn't a grown man contribute more than 35% to the family expenses? Shouldn't he be able to wait more than three days? Is saying that credit cards are for emergencies only too much to ask? Everyone told me to expect a man to change after we get married, but is this normal? It is not just ideas about money... he used to be ok with my church - now he insists on a baptist church... and there are other things. Do all men change after marriage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): He sounds like he does care for you, but maybe he is not so good with finances. I would be careful though as some people do change for the absolute worst, and you don't want to endanger your welfare.I would sit down again and discuss the finances and some of the other changes that concern you as soon as possible, don't wait until the spring. Ask him why he suddenly changed to the other church and why he doesn't want to exercise now and why the diet changes. Encouraging the better diet can be your project together if you do more of the shopping and cooking you can influence it more or suggest food to try that you will both like if he does. You can go for walks together instead of the gym. Explain that you want him to live a longer, healthier life so you want to eat a healthier diet, but still include things that he likes to eat that taste good. If you want him to share more of the expenses you have to make it clear now that is what you need. Since you didn't make it clear before you got married it will be harder to do now, but not impossible.Are there other activities you can do together that will bring you back together more? Maybe you can go to your church one week and to his the next? Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionORIGINAL AUTHOR (again): He went on about how he loves me and confessed that he has been a bit selfish lately. He apologized, sincerely. I just spoke about some negatives here, but for the most part, he really is a great guy. If he can help it, he never let's me lift a finger (even scrubbing our toliets). I am working on a terminal degree (while working full time)... If I am studying, he brings me water. I don't drive, so he always calls to see if I need anything before coming home. His old truck does guzzle a lot of gas. So, how much should he be contributing to expenses? Am I silly to be so eager to accept his apologies? How do I encourage better eating habits, gym, etc... like when we were dating? (and if you are going to be scarcastic or mean - don't bother responding please)
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Yes he has changed after marriage. He has given you MORE money after marriage. So what are you bitching about?
Oh, you expected him to change after marriage and give you FAR more money?
Well, that was silly wasn't it.
He showed his true colors before the marriage, you just didn't see them through rose colored glasses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe confessed and apologized for being selfish lately. I confronted him about some of the things that have changed: attitudes about money, wanting to eat at home, church, and exercise. I even said "if were still just dating, and I asked you to go to the gym with me, would you go, (like he used to)." He said, "well, yeah..." I said then "why, are you changing?" He said, "Well I get to spend more time with you now." I said it was a bait and switch. CaringGuy is this what you mean by "they don't continue with the illusion?" and if so, what can be done? Can I ever get him to go back to acting like the guy I fell in love with?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 February 2011):
Men don't change after marriage. What happens is that women start to see them for what they really are. And it's the same for women supposedly 'changing' too. No one really changes. All that happens is they don't continue with the illusion.
He hasn't changed at all. I'm afraid this is who he is.
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