A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In my religion, it's a disgrace to divorce, and very rare. And the thing is, I've had a husband since I was 13 and now, I'm 19. I feel trapped, I see myself just doing everything for him, with him forcing me to do things, to have sex with him, get a tattoo of his name on my back...and now he wants a baby. He's a nice guy but I hate us together. As his wife, it is my duty to provide him with a child but I don't want a child yet!! I want a divorce but if I go through with it, I will be shunned by my family and be a disgrace to my country. But I'm so depressed.
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, tattoo, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou, to everyone, I didn't go back to India and I've stayed here, of course, no-one was happy and my husband was furious. We want to divorce, he says he does not want to be with someone who puts this much disgrace to his name. I am really lost here in England but I'm surviving at the very least!
I'm staying at a hotel and I'm sorting out an apartment to live in, I finally realised that I'm good enough for me and I don't need him to survive, I can do that on my own.
I'm sorting out a job too, if you're interested, as a social worker, I'm realy excited, I want to help people, like you've all helped me, I'm going to stay on this website and give my advice to other people.
And finally, a thanks to the people who have helped the most:
Desirewhitefire, I can't thank you enough. You helped me so much and you never failed to answer, I dumped my problem on you and you never complained, just...helped. Thankyou, so much.
Martini, you made me realise that I should not be miserable, afterall, this is a lifetime, I have to spend all my time here, as me and I only get one chance, well, all of you did, but you especially.
And Blue_Angel0136, thankyou, you opened my eyes to not just my mental well being, but also my physical. And thankyou, for praying for me, even if you just said it, it means a lot.
And xxbaybeegal, you told me to follow my heart, and I did. Thankyou.
And by the way, I'm sorry, sorry for taking a weight off of my shoulders and laying them upon yours, but you replied, and I'm grateful.
May you all always be protected by the Gods, and peace be with you on this day and forever more.
And also, I'm not changing my religion, it will always be a part of me, and...what about all those pretty dresses?? Thankyou, everybody.
A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 You need to just up and leave. Try and find a Christian group in India and ask them for help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): Look, I'm sure others will give you their own interpretations of what religion is about, etc, but I can tell you now that if you follow a religion with an absolute deity, and a religion that has scriptures that say do this and not do that, then in short, your religion is law, and it's absolute.
NO ONE can help you. Only thing that can help you are your own choices.
You can either A) continue to follow religion for whatever purpose even if it makes you unhappy and forces you into a system where you will be miserable for a long time, or B) reacess your religion and why you follow it in the first place, and after reflecting on that religion as well as yourself, you might just find that religion is a means to control people into conforming a certain way. IF you do not come to that conclusion and find a person interpretation (C), then you can simply disobey your religion, continue to follow it as a philosophy - eg: take the good concepts and use it in your life, but don't follow it as the absolute law, AND have your own free life.
Everyone here, especially religious people will have their own interpretations, but as someone who does not abide to religion, I'll tell you now, you have choices as a human being in this common society. Either you conform to a system of twisted ideals authorized by religious leaders, OR you choose to CHANGE your life and do what is good for yourself as well as initiate a 'revolution' of absolute religious law.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so sorry that I am showering you all with my problems but I'm really confused, and tommorow I leave!!
I need your help now more than ever, please help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have another problem, today was the funeral and my husband did not show up, instead he went to a gambling place, a caceno I think they're called, with some men he has met here.
You see, the reason his brother came to England was because he told his family what he was: Gay. I have no problems with same-sex relationships but it is also a disgrace in Hinduism, his family shunned him and he came here. I do not want to leave my home country, it's all I have ever known.
Anyway, we were making Alu Gobi and I told my mother how I felt, how I felt about the divorce. And she said to me:
"We are women, we do not have a say. Jesminder, we are like slaves to our men, we chose him for you and he is a good suitor, I'm sorry, but we can not do anything, you shall be his wife, ad obey him." When I protested what about love, she said it did not matter.
Then he came home, he was drunk and he wanted sex, remembering what my mother had said, I did as he said.
And while he was drunk, I told him I wanted a divorce, I feel like I'm suffocating. He told me to shut up and slapped me, he told me I had to obey him, I was supposed to be his wife, the he accused me of seeing another man. He hit me over and over again and I was powerless to stop. I am ok, just a few bruises but I am more scared than ever. My heart says run, run far away, do not go back but what about what my head tells me? I need to go back, it is my duty, whatever I want.
Should I end it once and for all? Should I not go back home? I would still be married but I would be free...in a way.
...............................
A
female
reader, desirewhitefire +, writes (27 October 2007):
My boyfriend is Indian (he's converted to Christianity from Hindu), and I know how terrifying his family can be. If you want to keep in touch with me for support and understanding and someone to just write to, please, contact me via internal DearCupid mail.I know how hard this must be for you, and no one in your community is willing to listen to you or support you because what has happened to you is how life is for a woman in India. Feel free to write me whenever you wish. I will always be there to listen and try to help in what ever way I can.
...............................
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (27 October 2007):
 Your mind is telling you that it's not good to be treated this way. It is human instinct. Human nature gives us insight about our lives but sometimes we are powerless to react and follow thru.
If you religion dictates your marraige and the way you are viewed as a woman and/or wife it can become a tricky situation. Please think on your cncerns and act carefully because it sounds like your safety is certainly at stake.
Pray for Divine interception that you will be safe and allowed to choose what is best for you.
God be with you is my prayer and watch over you , strenghening your life and granting his will within.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Religion, wonderful isn't it?
Well there lies the obvious problem then. First, think, why do you follow your religion? If your religion conflicts with your personal welfare and happiness, then you have a choice: A) continue to be unhappy, try to work out your relationship problems even if they probably will not go anywhere, OR B) reaccess (sp?) your religion and find a medium in which you can look at your religion as a philosophy rather than absolute law, and break out of your unhappiness at the same time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am a Hindu, and my husband is nice but he is also controlling. I took your advice, desirewhitefire and told him I didn't want a child, right now, and he has slapped me. I'm so afraid, my mother would not understand, she worships my father, there is no love in their relationship and they are so unhappy! I don't want to end up like that! My mother says it is our duty as women to support our husbands but I don't want to support, I want to love a man that loves me.Right now we are in England for his brothers funeral, he died of cancer shortly after coming to the UK. I don't have much time, we return on Monday and I don't have a computer there.My husband doesn't even know that I can speak english, if he found out, he wouldn't be able to control himself.I understand that he is going through an emotional time right now, well, he should be, instead he goes drinking and wants sex from me as soon as he comes in through the door.I feel trapped, he wants me to have child after child until he has a boy. I want children yes, but not yet, not now.I feel so confused. Please help, again, please.
...............................
A
female
reader, xxbaybeegal +, writes (26 October 2007):
 This is a very sad thing to feel trapped with someone youve been forced to be married. im 13 and i can imagine wat it feels like to get married BY FORCE. so your in a situation where you reached the point that your husband wants a baby and you dont know if you can pull the trigger. well if i was you i would tell him your not ready for this and talkto him and your family about divorce. because your heart is telling you that you dont want to carry this mans baby. Do what your heart tells you and you will be fine
...............................
A
female
reader, desirewhitefire +, writes (26 October 2007):
Arranged marriages, especially one with the wife being so young, normally do not end up in the greatest of happiness. Sure, you learn to love each other; you're quite forced to love each other, really. For the benefit of everyone else, I will point out some factors of an arranged marriage before someone says, "Oh, you just need to walk out! If you're not happy, liberate yourself!" If only it were that easy. A parent, almost always on the male side, picks the partner for their children based on caste, family reputation, finances, etc, anything that is associated with that family's name. The two are either betrothed at birth, or they are chosen for each other when they reach a marriageable age (i.e. 16 or 17).In this young girl's case, because she was wed so early, she was probably betrothed to this man her whole life. The couple weds, and now the woman is completely at the disposal of the man. I know, for example, women in India are taught at the earliest childhood to be the most devoted wife and mother they can be. They are taught to always placate their husbands, never argue with him, obey his every wish. In return, the man provides for her, giving her a house and children to fulfill her life. They live together in tolerance of each other, not love. And most men in religions and cultures that have arranged marriages are very controlling and abusive. They get some kind of high from seeing their wife bow before him at his every command, and he gets a little carried away with himself, too overcome with testosterone. My suggestion for you, anon, is to try and talk to your husband, and tell him how you feel. Tell him your don't think you are emotionally ready to have a child. If you make it sound like it would be better for him to not have a child at this time, he'll probably consider it. Whatever you do, do not sneak out and get birth control. If he finds it, I don't even want to think about what he'll do to you. Ask your mother what she would do; she was in this situation before, I'm guessing, and she's got an arsenal of ways to get her husband to consider her feelings. She's been married a lot longer than you, she knows what you're going through. As for the divorce, I don't know what to tell you. I know an Indian man who had a divorce, and Hindus are very strict on divorce. His family still loves him, but he doesn't live in India anymore; he moved to the US. If you want to find out what your parents will say, try talking to one of them. That way you can at least get an idea of what you're facing. Who knows, maybe they'll understand you and support your decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): even though you like him and don't want to be a disgrace to you country if you are miserable you should just dump him. i am ten and my parents are going through a divorce and it is not that hard to deal with for me. you should really just dump the dude and find someone else. hope this helps!!!!!!!
...............................
|
