A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I filed for divorce today and it was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. My hands were shaking when I signed the paperwork and had it notarized. My heart was pounding when I took it to the courthouse and paid the filing fee. My husband was in tears but I have waited 5 long years to be sure I want to go through with this. I haven't loved him (the way a wife should) for many years and I finally had to admit it to myself and move on. I know divorce is never easy and I feel wretched for doing this. But I am absolutely positive we will both recover, move on and have better lives as a result. I have to keep telling myself this or the panic will swallow me. Has anyone ever felt this way? I hope it has a happy ending. I just can't live a lie anymore and I want to be happy. I am already in love with someone else but my husband is not aware of this. There's no need to hurt him further! This has been hard on him and he acted as though he was hearing the news for the first time today when we met and signed the paperwork. Partly because he probably hoped I would change my mind. I take responsibility for making him feel like this, but I didn't want to rush into a divorce. We've been together for 15 years. I had to give him time to adjust, and me time to know where my heart and my head was truly at. I hope tomorrow I will feel better. Like a burden has been lifted. I hope my husband will feel better too. Any suggestions? I have tried to be kind about this; giving him the house and most of the furniture so he won't feel so empty.
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divorce, move on, swallow, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am feeling better today. Thanks for your responses. I know I will get through this and understand the complexity of emotions that people go through. As for not giving my husband a fair chance at love; I gave him the best, young years of my life. We went through counseling and it did not solve the problem. We grew apart. We wanted different things out of life. I wanted a family and kids. He wanted to move to an island with only me. I think I gave it as much as I could and I think he gave me as much as he could. The end.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): I have two questions for "A Man".....Would you stay with someone you don't want to have sex with? Would you remain in a sexless marriage simply because of your vows?....I seriously doubt it. I married my husband when I was 19, before I even knew who I was or what kind of man I really needed. It really is true when they tell us not to marry so young. It's usually a mistake.
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A
male
reader, A Man  +, writes (6 April 2010):
I disagree with handing him helpful literature. It sounds like you've hurt him deeply. Getting these books from you will only hurt him more, coming from you. I don't know the particulars of why you left your husband, but i'm sure if he was crying, he felt it shouldn't have happened. I caution all divorcee's that they may have an illusion toward love. Love is not infatuation, that always goes. Real love is about trust. So if he broke your trust and told him you couldn't forgive him for it, then he probably knows it had to be done. But if you just left him because you were having troubles and you didn't feel that infatuation for him anymore, then he probably feels you didn't try hard enough. That maybe why he was so surprised. "Divorce? You didn't even TRY to stay with me!"
The fact that you fell in love with someone else WHILE being married to him also indicates this. And don't bother keeping it from him, he's GONNA find out and he's GONNA feel betrayed, as he might be entitled to be.
I don't mean to come of as judgmental, but it just seems like you haven't treated your husband fairly, haven't tried to do as you promised in your wedding vows. Most people that feel guilty about their behavior feel empty inside. They know deep down that they wrongfully hurt someone deeply, and they don't like themselves for it. I'm just going off of what you said, but it sounds like you feel pretty guilty. I would assume that you feel you could have tried harder, and just wanted to take the selfish easy way out. If so, I'm willing to bet your gonna end up in the same situation with your current fling soon enough.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. But i'm just going off of your own language in describing the situation. I know its unpleasant, but please consider it as an option. The truth always sets us free :)
But if you truly don't want to hurt your ex. Don't show him sympathy or try to help him with the pain you caused. It only hurts even worse.
Good luck and may peace be with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 April 2010):
You should speak to my girlfriend. She finalized her divorce a while back, and she felt the same way you do, even though he had actually cheated on her and treated her badly. She still felt bad. The point is it is natural to feel this way. You have closed the door on a bid part of your life, and now you need to move on. You've thought about it, tried to fix it and there was nothing left. So this was ultimately the right decision. I can assure you that you will certainly feel much better about it all. Your now ex will feel better, but it will take longer for him (as I'm sure you'll already know). It may take a while (maybe a year) for you to truly feel good about al this. But you will, because you have made the right choice.
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