A
female
age
,
*G1219
writes:I have been remarried 5 years. I came to the marriage with 4 children and my husband has 2. His children are not involved in our family and very rarely come to see us. His daughter at one point( when kicked out of her bilogical mother's home) lived with us for 5 months.During the time she lived with us and before she was very disrespectful and nasty to me.He excuses their behavior. His children have a lot of emotional baggage and are spoiled. She has not spoken to us or seen us in 3 1/2 years. During this time my husband called her 2x a week to say her loved her.The last few months she began calling him. Now she is coming to see us. I asked my husband what his expectations are and told him that I am very uncomfortable. He is insulted and told me to act like a mother which he said I never do for his children. I mentioned I can't when we don't see them. I think it is important for you to know I send his son care packages at school and was very good to his daughter. I try hard . He informed me that I come 3rd in his life his children 22 and 20 years old come first. I am hurt and frustrated. I expect an aplogy and the freedom to speak my mind like I do with ny children and he does with mine. What should I think?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (25 August 2009):
 I think this is a problem that involves several dimensions.
First of all, you are not 3rd. If you're third, then tell him to go find a lover and get a divorce.
Second of all, his children have to be respectful of you. And its his job to stand by you. When they're in your house, they're your guests. That simple.
One way to fix this dilemma is to sit down with them and try and get all the hatred and resentment out of the way. If they'd open up to you and give you a chance, I think they'd probably find out that you're a better friend and mother than they'd have ever expected.
As far as the rest of this story, I think you need to be kind, firm and assertive. But if someone tells you you're a 3rd class citizen in your own home, I'd tell them to shove it and don't let the door whack you on the ass on the way out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): You have been married for five years, you have a right to demand respect from his children, if he respected you he would show them that you are an authoritive figure and that they shouldn't disrespect you. If when she comes over, she treats you badly, you must point out to your husband that this is not ok.
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A
female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (25 August 2009):
Your husband's daughter is coming to visit. Your husband wants to re-establish his relationship with his daughter. You are uncomfortable since you have no idea what is going to happen. How is this visit going to turn out. The daughter hasn't been in either one of your lives for 3 1/2 years. This is a long time. It is normal to reflect on the past and expect that since she behaved as a spoiled, disrespectful child with a good deal of emotional baggage that this is what she will bring on her current visit to your home. Give the daughter the benefit of growing and maturing since you last saw her. The fact that you have been good to his daughter in the past suggests that you are open to this. Your husband saying that you come third in his life is his way of saying that it is important to him that he be "their" father....to be in their lives more. Listen to your husband's needs in this matter. Be supportive to him in his endeavors towards his children.
Divorce is difficult on adults - it is life shattering to children. Some children seem to handle it okay while other children suffer emotional and mental fallout for years. How a child processes this type of life trauma depends on many variables. It can take years for a child to fully understand their parent's need to end a marriage and then restart a marriage and family with another. This type of life trauma can follow a child into adulthood. Some children never recover from a parent's divorce. As a child grows into adulthood this can manifest itself in many destructive behaviors. His daughter needs the both of you, your husband needs you. He needs your strength, your knowledge to guide him to re-establish his relationship with his daughter. Help him to help her. This is called marriage.
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