A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, After a partner has cheated how to you differenciate between "am I just been paranoid" or is this "my gut feeling".My b/f cheated last year. We're trying to work things out and it seems to be fine. We live apart which dosent help me at all even though I'd like to see it out a while longer before taking that step. But my problem is i'm not able to tell the difference. I sometimes think should I be worried about where he is and what he's doing or am I just putting ideas into my head because I'm been paranoid. Confused? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for responding so promptly. It's really great to hear advice here. It gives me some strenght knowing how others have dealt wit these sort of problems. Much appreciated thank you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou very much for your help every1.
I hope I can manage to stop feeling paranoid. I know I put crazy ideas in my head sometimes. It's hard to know the difference, I really dont think he's up to anything as he is trying really hard. I haven't really seen anything suspicious although I'm always on the look out which I think is part of my problem?
I just wonder though, will this feeling ever go away? Is there a chance that I can learn to trust him again giving that he keeps valueing our relationship and showing me enough respect ????
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 Firstly the fact that he has cheated before does mean that he is reasonably likely to do it again so you are right to be alert.Sometimes what you may be thinking of as paranoia is just a very heightened sense of awareness to small inconsistencies and things that don't quite add up. I've been cheated on (by my mistress so I'm not on very firm moral ground) and I've found that what I might easily have dismissed as paranoia was actually very close to the truth.
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (21 January 2009):
 When you have been in the position of having a partner cheat on you it is almost guaranteed that you will feel paranoid and insecure.
When he is late, when he hides his phone, endless excuses when you question him that just don't add up!
From my past experience i know that my intuition or gut instinct has never let me down, i have questioned it and considered myself to be paranoid and my partner was quite happy for me to consider myself paranoid but eventually i was infact proved right.
Gut instincts are a extra take on the situation and though some peoples may not be tuned in i find that mine is spot on.
If he values your relationship he should be willing to put you at ease and give you less reason to doubt him by keeping no secrets from you, telling you exactly what he is up to this will all help build trust between the two of you again.
If he is not willing to do these things then the relationship will certainly break down as even if you keep it to yourself because you probably feel you will drive him away it will eat into you until you just can't take anymore.
I hope you can work through it i know it is a very difficult time.
Good luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 The difference for me is when I can tell myself "oh I'm just being paranoid" and when I honestly believe/know it is what he is doing. Of course even gut feelings can be wrong, although I can't remember a time when mine was. My specific example would be my ex worked at a restaurant, he was literally the only guy working in this place with the exception of a 50 some year old cook. So he was surrounded by hot girls all day... Well I visited him a few times and saw some of the girls and was paranoid he was talking to them or they were talking to him. I didn't let it get to me too much because I just felt like I was nervous or jealous. God's honest truth, I saw one girl one day and just knew there was or was going to be something going on between them. And sure enough, one week later he dumped me. Found out he was dating that same girl. The only difference that I can tell you for me is that I just feel like I know. There is a difference between being scared it is happening and the sinking feeling that you know it is happening. I can't tell you how to tell the difference. It's just like you know. I don't know how healthy the relationship is without trust though. Not that it is your fault at all that you don't trust him. I won't give advice on what you should or shouldn't do. I can just answer your direct question and with me I can clearly tell the difference between being scared and knowing something. Hope I helped.
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