A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I recently stalked my husbands facebook account (no I don't think its wrong!) and I found that the adage 'look hard enough and you will find what you're looking for' is annoyingly true.I found out that he was ading random (and very beautiful/slutty) girls, who I know for a fact he does not know. I also found out that he also lied to me about meeting up with his female friends after we both agreed to limit our contact with our respective friends of the opposite sex to 'online contact' only, following getting married.I have several questions really....Why do men do such stupid things? Is he still looking to play to field or just browse some eye candy?Why is it okay for him to have female friends but a cardinal sin if I still speak to MY male friends?Cheers in advance aunts!
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female
reader, lovedoctor007 +, writes (14 October 2012):
all men do this and why is simple they fancy some of these women so add mingers amongst them to make out its not that, maybe they do meet them or would like a shot if they got the chance, i made a fake account and added my own boyfriend once and he was smittin prepared to meet me within days there rats lol all of them!and don't know the true meaning of love else they'd be happy with what they have and not find the need to loo else were would they?
A
male
reader, MRmotto69  +, writes (3 December 2010):
I think you would be wise to disregard most of the knee JERK advice some people are giving you about YOUR relationship. It is yours not theirs. In fact most of the advise telling you to "dump him" comes from people who cannot hold a relationship of their OWN. Most guys find it a very cool thing to be able to SEE pretty women at a whim. That said, most women won't or don't understand this. Simply saying "it's a guy thing" doesn't satisfy the "why?" though dose it? By asking the question "why" you show your interest in wanting to know how the psychology of a man works, and it isn't just ego. Let me explain:He was attracted to you for a reason, to begin with He found you to be attractive. In other words he saw you to be pretty. Then, after a while, he got to know your personality, enough to know that you would remain faithful to him, which he enjoyed, so he wanted you to join with him physically. Now, weather you joined with him before or after you went through a "ceremony" with "vows" is immaterial to him most likely. I am sure he meant what he said to you. But a mind is changeable. You, as women should know this. There are stages of change, states that you may find yourself in. Your actions may contribute to the evolution of change in his mind, for GOOD or for BAD. What you don't want to do is cut yourself off from him, "shut him out" unless your aim is to end things with him, in which case you must be honest with yourself- YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR MIND ABOUT YOUR VOWS AS WELL. You see this is a two way street, both of you may decide which way you want to travel, but to remain together you must know which way the other intends to go before you decide which way you want to go. It is really simple if you think about it. You must COMMUNICATE! Some guys want their women to be more aggressive with them, in all aspects of their relationship. Maybe that is the case but you'll never know and won't figure it out if you don't communicate with him in a non-confronting way.Simply ending the relationship you have NOW to find a man who won't LOOK at pretty women (what he is built to do) won't satisfy YOUR Quest- WHY- do they do it.If you think that there are guys that don't notice pretty women, there ARE, their called homosexual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Oh I am so happy I found this place on the web ! I nearly went crazy with the same problem. Once of a sudden my husband started adding pretty girls and I started to have doubts why why why? I knew it must be a common "men's thing". There you go ! They all do !
I am not strong enough to confront him with questions as to why as he will think I am invasive on his "private" space, even though I am in his friends list and can see his actions on FB. Moreover, he "found someone worth flirty" on Zoosk! That appeared on his wall and made me really angry! Why Why Why? Why on Earl would he do this?! I just gave up and let him do it. If he wants to blow his EGO to the universe size, let him do it. I cannot change him.
As someone else said here, you are with him and you go to bed with him every night. All those girls, they are fools themselves if they believe his chit-chat and don't know the truth. The truth is - you know the truth! You are truthful to yourself and that is the most important thing. You can write to him a letter and print it off and leave it on the table and let him read it when he gets home in front of you and see what he says. Do not be accusing him of something but just say how it makes you feel uncomfortable and worried and uneasy with him, ask him if he can see this.
Because I cannot control my feelings now, even though I do not tell him that I am angry at him adding all those girls, I am angry in every day life now at him (he does not have a clue why). Well for now I cannot start telling him my reasons of anger because I am not ready yet to be confronting him and maybe I will just live with it! I am not sure yet ! That is why I started to search for similar stories like here just to get some idea what is the best way of action in my personal situation.
Good luck to all the girls with the similar problems! We are all together!!!
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A
male
reader, rockin49 +, writes (21 August 2009):
Join the website he's posted on. Answer his posting with fictious name and lead him on. Arrange to meet with your friends etc scattered in and about. Tell him to enter at a time after you are there( Like a bar/restuarant) With your back to the entrance tell him you'll be wearing something noticeable Red Rose/ Blue blouse. Get the picture. Let me know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): i believe there is nothing wrong in reading your partners email........especally if he is cheating. why is it that the liberal minded then talk about breaching of trust when the partner is indeed breaking his vows.
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A
male
reader, Dr T  +, writes (19 August 2009):
No it is not OK to login to your husbands/partners PRIVATE online account/phone/letters or anything else.
I hear this so often: "I was reading his email when I saw...."
There is a trust issue between you that needs to be resolved in an open fashion and this sure as hell aint the well to do it.
Believe me when (or if) you presnt the findings from your invasion of his privacy he reaction will be based more on the intrusion than on your hurt feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Aunts!
Thank you so much for your responses. I know it's a very common problem and I think I will talk to him about this, even though I know he'll get defensive.
I think because we are newly married, we're both finding it hard to change our lives. I think I may have realised this sooner than him.
But I know he isn't contacting them and simply just 'checks them out' - not that that's acceptable ot me but there you go. I won't flip out and I will take this slow.
Good luck to all the others who are in similar situations.
Thanks
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 August 2009):
Ok first of all, from your post it sounds like you are just accepting his behaviour as the norm, as you said 'why do men do stupid things'. This is not true- not all men are like this .There are men who would treat them women alot differently to the way you are being treated. And it has nohting to do with you or who you are, its all to do with who your husband is!
I cant tell you why hes added these random girls and been meeting them, but there are the very obvious and likely possibilities that he is cheating, or just looking for someone to stroke his ego etc. Either way- whether he is cheating or not, its wrong and he knows it.
Why is it ok for him to do such things and not ok for you to talk to your male friends? Because he is obviously a abuser- hes controlling and jealous and he lacks respect for you and your relationship. The signs are there.
Have you confronted him about this? I think you do need to talk to him about all of this. And you have to decide whether or not you are prepared to put upwith this. How much are you willing to accept? Personally I dont think you should put up with what is going on. I hope you agree, because you deserve alot more. Not all men are like this, so remember that, you dont have to accept this -there are better possibilities out there. You need to tell him that what he is doing is not ok and if he does change then thats great. But i think the trust has probably already been broken. You going to be continually upset, worried etc. Which is understandable. I dont really think he deserves a 2nd chance. It obviously knows how it would make you feel as he would never accept that coming from you- so hes not stupid. He knows it would be hurtful. Hes just selfish. Cares more about boosting his own ego and fulfiling his desires, then about how you feel.
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A
female
reader, beachbabe  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 i agree! you have the right to check his facebook.
also if his is married he should have his status as "married" = no flirting, your married! lol
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A
female
reader, Miami Girl +, writes (19 August 2009):
A small word of advice, make sure all the picture of you and your family are there. Also, make sure it appears on his profile as married. Post (poke) his account and put all the pictures of you two together with all you do. It worked for a good friend of mine. The ghosts got scared!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Hi, I think I'm in a much similar or may be even worse situation. My then BF (now husband) used to add a lot of unkown girls in Facebook (almost all are pretty/young ones)and did not stop there. He started calling them 'female friends' and keep meeting them in diferent occasions. He says that they are all harmless meetings but I know there is more to them. I mean, I don't see any good reason for a newly married man to keep contact with a whole big bunch of girls, texting them, chatting with them online, meeting them on every occasion possible behind my back. Mind you, just like for you, for me all contacts with males (except talking matters related to work at office) is totally unacceptable. Not that I want to have any contact with any male other than formal talk. Its just the fact that I'm completely pissed off with this nasty behaviour of my husband. So, I fully understand your situation. I'm not strong enough to do anything to stop this problem in my life. But I wish other women out there would have the courage to do something about such dis-honest behaviour of husbands. From my experiance I know that although these girls you refer to are not known to your husband yet, it could be just a matter of time untill he contacts them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): It's not wrong to check your husband's facebook. I check my boyfriend's at least once a day. If I see he's had activity, adding friends, writing to people, etc... I look at it. I don't think that's particularly unusual. I second what the other poster said, I think to him it's harmless ego stroking. Now if you found out he was contacting them, that's a totally different story. One of my guy friends has about 500 attractive women added in his facebook who he doesn't know as well, just makes him feel attractive. He actually talks to them quite a bit, accepting their compliments and such, though he has a girlfriend. I wouldn't worry too much about it. As for the meeting females, it's not so much the going out with them that's bad as the lying about it. I think if he lied you really should call him on it. My guy goes out with his female friends a lot, but he tells me who and what they did if I ask. For the facebook I wouldn't press it. The lying, I'd confront him. I bet he's just reassuring himself he is attractive. Make sure you occasionally stroke his ego by telling him he's hot, and reinforce that by being totally unable to keep your hands off him when he's changing or something where physical contact isn't expected. Like say he changes his shirt and you're in the room, go start caressing and tell him you just couldn't resist. So long as he knows he's hot from the woman he loves, he shouldn't need outside reinforcement. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Miami Girl +, writes (19 August 2009):
I recommend that you begin checking everything he does on his computer. Check all the History and past searches on his computer. I did the same and now I am separated and giving my husband a lesson. I prefer porno and not facebook. Facebook is real and it leads to other opportunities. See his messages on his facebook accounts and dont feel bad for protecting your marriage. See his emails and specially his deleted messages. With my first husband, I got married and six months after married, found out my husband was already married and had 4 kids. Now, I look into everything I can to make sure I am not the last one to find out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Gosh, you know, I am on Facebook at 50 years of age to connect with highschool friends that I have lost contact with, however, I also converse with new friends I have met here on DC.....that said, I don't know if you know for sure that your husband doesn't know these other women, but let's just say you do.
I think he may just be getting some ego stroking, ego gratification from the attention of random women and it is harmless fun for him because he has no opportunity to have physical contact with them, and you know, he most likely would not act the same way if he could have contact with him.
Facebook and social sites are a new phenomenon, especially to someone of my age group, and I can't say that I fully embrace them. I think they are a sign of our times where true intimacy is sorely lacking. You can tell from what is written by the folks 40 and under are one line remarks, and lack the depth of feeling and intimacy and conversation that people of my generation are used too....so perhaps he is just exploring with this shallow form of communication as a diversion....I know that is what it is mostly for me, that and I have twin neice and nephews who are 13, and it is me meeting them at their level and trying to stay connected.
I think for you, if things between you are not broken, then stop trying to fix them and let him explore this new form of communication, if for some reason you have other reasons to doubt his fidelty, then that is something you will have to deal with.
Maybe have a dialogue with him about why he is adding these girls, don't be accusatory at first, seek first to understand and then try to be understood, that works best in situations where there is something you don't understand.
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A
female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 well, i dont know dear..i think it's kinda a proud for a man when he has many female (beautiful/slutty) friends.my man does the same, my uncle with a very happy marriage does it as well. my male friends do the same.. and they just ADD! LOL!!!But the key is: meeting these bxxxhes is PROHIBITED!!Well..I am waiting for the comment from male ...hehehe :D
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Problem is that Models and Adult Entertainers put up those pages in hopes of trying to get guys to go to their adult sites and spend money. I own adult sites myself and do my own online solicitations for people to join. It's simply easier for the ladies to solicit their sites because they are appealing the the lowest common denominator in a man...horniness in order to get them to shell out some credit card money to get a downloadable nude pic or porn vid.It is pretty common at both FB and at Myspace. If a guy is on a friends list of some hot Playboy Model, then he gets solicited via bulletin to seek an add request from just about anyone else that said model is in cahoots with.The real sad part is that guys for whatever reason think they have a shot with these girls.Now as to the more common young ladies on those sights..you know they type...their profile pic is them half Naked holding up a Camera to a bathroom Mirror. They are usually pretty young and get a real rise out of teasing some guys. But actually they do hookup with guys they meet on the web too.Sounds like he is living a fantasy in internet air. I don't blame you one bit for snooping his FB account. If somebody in a relationship is gonna be so stupid enough to brazenly sit there and flirt online on a social site, he deserves all the crap he gets from you.As for why he gets so mad if you talk to a guy online? Its simply his double standard. He is a pretty disrespectful person if he cant acceede to this very simple request on your part. He sees nothing wrong in what he is doing, but if you so much as leave a "have a nice day" to a male online friend he is all over you like white on rice.he goes through complete overkill to make himself feel better about what he is doing.Just a word of advice. If your Hubby is on Myspace, Id be very wary if you find him on an application called "Addable". It is little more than a low rent version of solicitations for hookups much like is done all over Craigs List. You might wanna check that out as well.Sorry this happened to you. Sad to say but it is very common.Best of Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): My boyfriend's facebook is the same. He has scandalous pictures of him dancing with other girls..or him oogling girls that pretend to strip. He often messages his girl friends and flirts continuously. I don't know why guys are like this. They must crave attention from girls or something, but you're not alone! I just try to think to myself, at the end of the day, I'm the one he talks to about his real problems and while its not much comfort, I guess we have to trust that online or verbal flirting is as far as they'll go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): 1) Men don't do stupid things. The same generalization can be said with women. Since generalizations are inaccurate, men and women don't do stupid things.2) Any possibility is true and untrue because a) we have no idea who your husband is, b) how much control you are enforcing onto this relationship, c) how much stress this relationship has.3) He knows himself more than he knows you. Therefore, he reacts to your relationships with your male friends negatively. =====As for your general inquiry, the base of your relationship seems to have quite a bit of dishonesty and control on both your ends. The semi-rhetoric is: on what grounds did you decide to marry him in the first place, when you already have a blatant trust issue with him coinciding his continuous contact with other women? I would think that in an intimate, meaningful relationship with substance, each person would be free of control and enforcement of 'rules' and very basic common sensibility of being considerate towards each others feelings is automatic. I would not assume to restrict the movement of my lover, if she has many male friends. I may express discomfort and following that, she may reassure me through actions and verbal queues that she is indeed 'mine'. -----Since such a relationship does not exist in your relationship, again, what are you hoping to achieve by posting your issue here? Advice on how to further restrict his movements, his choices and his desires? A lion craves meat, regardless whether you cage it or not. Have you considered that this relationship is incompatible with you since before you two were married?
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