A
female
age
41-50,
*oodwomanhere
writes:Well, I recently found out that not only did my ex leave me for another woman and move right in with her and her 2 children, but that he had been cheating for over 3 years with numerous different women. Most of them didnt even know he was dating or living with someone.I was NC for roughly 2 months before this but, couldn't let this go. I wanted him to know that I knew about all the affairs over the years. I could not allow him to think he had got away with them. (Well I guess he did get away with them but I did find out eventually obviously.) Anyway, I decided to text him and told him I knew. I pretty much told him how disgusting he was and he actually had enough nerve to not only deny it, but tell me I was on crack? This coming from the man that still wanted to 'be a part of my life' after the breakup. Thank god I declined that offer months ago.I NEVER want to speak to or see him again. EVER. I am even going as far as to leave this town and move back to my hometown to make sure I dont have to be faced with him again. I am completely humiliated about all the people that knew this was happening and even more humiliated he was able to do all this without me catching on. To the people in situations like mine; did you actually remain in contact with scumbags like this? Or, have you ever had serial cheaters contact you down the line to apologize or otherwise? IF they did contact you, did it make you feel any better?My problem is, I have no closer. None. Thats all I really want. I just want an honest apology for what he did. Its the most disgusting, trashy, pathetic thing you can do to someone and I wanted to know if they ever realize that. He must know how much I hate him. At this point, I wouldn't even respond if he did contact me but, I would appreciate him at least accepting his mistakes and giving me a bit of closure. Anyone in a situation like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Don't reduce yourself to wanting his apology. it would only be more bullshit. You're better then that. Don't insult yourself by entertaining your head with trash. The dude is trash. Don't give him the benefit of apologizing to you. It's an insult to you. Let him be. He's someone else's nuisance now cuz they have to deal with the stinch and diarrhea filling his shitting diaper. He knows he's not good enough for you that's why he rolled out. It hurts his ego that he's substandard but he's never going to admit it to you. It's not your job to make him feel more than a piece of shit. That's his job. Don't make that poor fellow feel any more pathetic then he already feels.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): No, you were shit on. You don't work to get an amend from someone like that.
It is up to them to do that, of their own volition, and it is up to you to work to let go of your resentments.
Most of the time they will never come to make amends, but not always.
As far as resentments, letting go of them is key in your own mental health. AA programs have good teaching on how to do this, as do NA programs, and other 12 step programs. Research this on the web.
I've had two major problems with partners in my intimate relationships in my life, one never tried to make amends, the other did. I can truly say that the person who did make their amends, over a decade later, told me also that they were trying to live the rest of their life as a "living amend" which is truly a nice thing to hear.
Let go of your resentments, and understand them, don't let them control you as they can ruin you.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 From a man's point of view:
"I am completely humiliated about all the people that knew this was happening and even more humiliated he was able to do all this without me catching on."
Trustworthy people trust. In my opinion you have nothing to feel humiliated about.
"I just want an honest apology for what he did."
I got what I thought was an "honest apology" every day for a month and we got back together. Then eventually I caught her cheating again with someone else. I finally realized I can't believe a word she says. Knowledge is power. To know something about a person that the person doesn't know about themselves is power. In this case I used that power for my closure.
I saw her a few times randomly on the street and shopping months later and she didn't have any power over me that would elicit any other emotion than laughter.
I am in my late 40s and have seen people in my parents generation who were serial cheaters in their younger years grow old alone.
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A
male
reader, SquidVonLipwig +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Ha, yeah, closure on something like that would be lovely IMO. I've been through something similar recently and it's not easy. Chances are that he'll never admit it because that would be tantamount to him admitting that he did wrong, and people who cheat constantly often believe they are not doing anything wrong. It'll take time but you need to make peace with the fact that you KNOW what he did, which you could use as closure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): I was married for two years to a serial cheater that would also (constantly) try really hard to get into my best friends pants or any girl that would be close to me. I found all that much later in the relationship, because nobody had the courage to tell me what was going on.
The discovery ended in divorce, he has tried to apologize and tried to contact me several times for about a year after the divorce but I completely stopped answering his phone calls, emails and text messages.
You will find that your anger is the best closure you can possibly get.
Since then I had much more interesting men wanting to be with me and I ended up finding a much more loving, loyal partner.
Consider that it was a favor that he is out of your life and keep it that way.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 February 2011):
 hi
this bloke has lied to you already BIG TIME so why are you interested in getting an 'honest apology?'i got sh!t on once and i could have easily asked the bloke why he did it, but i thought,'what's the point? i won't believe a word he says'.
i understand how you feel though and you probably want the opportunity to give him a piece of your mind BUT you will get over this angry feeling and i think that the best way you can have 'revenge' on him is to just leave him without even a word, that shows him that you don't give a toss about him any more.
you will start to feel better in the future i promise and when that time comes, you won't even care about whatever pathetic reasons/excuses/apologies he might have had for you
xx
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