A
male
age
41-50,
*shiboy
writes:We work together. She was a good friend whom I had feelings for. She already has a guy and so turned down my overtures. But later, I found out that she has this flirtatious streak in her where she loves getting attention from guys. So I told her off. And I cut away from her altogether. 6 months went by. She begged me each day and finally I relented and let her back into my life. Four days later she claimed she loved me. At this point, I already knew that she was getting married to her boyfriend. Our relationship turned physical and then emotional until I realised I was hopelessly in love with her. I asked her to let go of this marriage and to come with me. She always told me that this was never meant to be. She also says that she stopped loving her guy a very long time ago. This marriage must go on for she has made a commitment and cannot leave him for he is too weak without her (he recently lost his brother). She also comes from a very traditional Indian family which would not tolerate such a mess.I have believed her all along. Yesterday she gifted me a very expensive ring (when she cannot afford one) and told me that she could never put one on for me officially and so this would be her only way to express all that I mean to her. We made love. And parted. But I love this woman. And I always did. Every now and then, I get the feeling I have been suckered. I don't know whether to really believe her or to think that she just used me for all the attention and love that I showered on her? Was I just one last fling? I don't know which answer will hurt me more: That she lovd me or that she didn't? My friends just don't believe this girl, but I do. Please help for I am lost and I have no idea what to do either.
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female
reader, Buxom +, writes (19 February 2007):
Honey... let her go. I know you love her very much and maybe she loves you too... but the fact is that she always told you nothing was ever going to happen b/w you two. I cannot quite put my figer on any one particular thing and explain why she did what she did... but you really have to think if she loves you enough, she would've done something to be with you and not jump into this marriage. What are the reasons for her to marry this guy if she does not love him? Is she in a rush to get married?? I'm sure she does love him and somewhere she sees herself spending the rest of her life with him. As much as I believe she genuinely loves you, she also wants to marry this other guy. I'm sorry... maybe these are not the answers you want to hear... but I'm afraid they might be true. Let her go... if she comes back, you have a reason to rejoice. Good luck hun. Hugs.
A
male
reader, ishiboy +, writes (19 February 2007):
ishiboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you both Carina and AskEve for your advice. I just want to clarify that I have spoken to her. She says she loves me but she cannot live a life where she spurns her family and his family as well. She is confused, and she is so afraid of talking to anyone else about this. Afraid of the consequences.
I cannot live without her - I have told her this in no uncertain terms. And she knows that but she cannot help the decisions she has made. Her marriage is one with a boy from her community and her religion which makes it all the more difficult. Both of us are having trouble holding on. She does not want to upset the applecart. And I want to hold on to every last strand of hope. I have offered her unflinching support and she is a very strong woman.
Her relationship started out as a love marriage which has now turned into an arranged marriage. She comes from a traditional Gujarati Hindu Brahmin family. And she will not hurt her parents at any cost. Her marriage date was fixed 6 months ago based on astrological dates. There is no question of postponing it or delaying it. The only way is if she stops her marriage. I wish there was some way...
I hope this clarifies things. Please help me in any way you can. I am running out of time. Her marriage is slated for the 8th of March and she is getting engaged on Thursday 22nd of February. Thank you for your advice once again. As I type this, she has just called to tell me she loves me...
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (18 February 2007):
 This is a really difficult situation. It doesn't sound as though she's been using you. I get the feeling she really cares for you, but the problem is her family and the commitment she's made to marry the other man. Is it impossible for her to postpone the wedding for a while? I think she needs to question what she's doing with her life. Even if she didn't have feelings for you she's not going the right way about having a happy marriage. Can you arrange to meet her for a proper talk and ask her to be completely honest with you? Tell her that you will move on once you know the truth, but if she genuinely loves you then you will support her through whatever has to be done. Marriage is for a very long while and I think she seriously needs to consider postponing it while she thinks about what she really wants, however difficult that may be. Is she entering a traditionally arranged marriage? If so there are other issues, so let me know. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (18 February 2007):
 If she's Indian then the marriage is probably arranged and she feels she has to go through with it which is sad. She will never be happy with this man, especially if she doesn't feel anything for him now. I think she does have feelings for you but she doesn't want to let her family down. I don't know how strong she is but if it were me, I would put the marriage on hold, no matter what my parents thought. It's HER life and HER who has to live with this other guy, not her parents.
When does she get married? Can she not stand up to her family?
Eve
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