A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Hi again everyone. Just an update about the 'situation' and more need for help. I am the wife trying to come to terms with the texting husband and discovered more texts on his old phone, one calling her a 'dirty little minx' but none of her texts saying anything as to why he might have done so. Do you know, we had a brilliant anniversary culminating in a fabulous love making session.A lot of this was due to my thinking about all those helpful replies and it stopped me dwelling on the past and appreciating what I've got now and hopefully for the future.In the morning, however, I had broached the question again what she could have said/done to be called 'dirty little minx'.He insisted he couldn't even imagine and certainly not remember since June 2008. He said he could make up something if I wanted and came up with she might have told him she'd given her h/b a BJ the night before.That would obviously be rubbish cos someone you were flirting with wouldn't want to know you were having rampant sex with your other half would they?I can't for the life of me think of something not very rude that would deserve being called that. Also why was that one text deleted cos all the others seemed to still be there from that day?Now I am fearing she actually DID something such as give him a w**k or BJ at lunchtime in the park and he sent her that text when he got back to work as an acknowledgement??When she said on 29th July she was feeling guilty leading him on as they'd done 'nothing' yet I assumed 'nothing' meant exactly that.Now I'm wondering if by her standards that would be full sex and a w**k or BJ would be classed as 'nothing' apart from 'just' leading someone on???I would soooo much value your opinions and if anyone could come up with ANY suggestions of what she might have said/done to merit that reply.I can see this is going to be the next thing eating away at me if I can't think of any rational explanation.Thanks again x
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male
reader, terryblueeyes +, writes (31 July 2009):
well being a man myself i would say he MIGHT and its only a might of had what you are saying. why would you text and say that. you might have to dig deeper. look at the tell tail sighs dose he take his mobil with him we he in the bedroom bathroom having a bath swich it off at times in the day or night.gose out and says he as been there and you dont now the person the balls in your court
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): I know that I have already said this to you, but I will post it to hopefully prompt thoughts from someone else.
Here is a long discussion on the male equivalent of what you are going through.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Take a look at this discussion, especially the last answer that Yos gave on 28 March 2008. These are the things that you have to do to get over this.
You are imagining things that you have no evidence of ever happening, just like Yos said about his wife and what the guy who needs help is imagining. Once you have settled one thing in your mind, you start to imagine something else. It is a never ending cycle if you do not stop it.
It's just like a man thinking about how cheap and easy his wife was at an earlier time in her life when she was going through a hurtful relationship or was depressed and felt unwanted. She did things to make her feel better for a while. Things that she had never done before. When she tells her bf or hubby about it he starts to think of all kinds of scenarios that might have happened. He wonders if the numbers of guys she had screwed was 100 instead of the 20 she told him about. He wonders if she has screwed various guys since they started to date or even since they have been married. He starts to visualize her getting boinked in every position possible and giving a BJ to some random guy in an alley. The thing is, none of this is true, but he imagines it daily and comes up with new things to imagine if he manages to get one of them out of his mind. The thing is that Yos and I have gotten over it, at least to the extent that enables us to have a normal relationship.
You expect your husband to remember what she said to elicit the “dirty little minx” response over a year ago. Hell, I can't remember what I said to my wife or some other woman last month most of the time. Then he guesses at what it might have been and you write it off as not possible. I spent months talking to one woman about the problems we were having at the time. We used to flirt and make sexual comments to each other and elude to what we had done with our partners the night before. The thing that is different is that my wife knew what I was doing and she would read our discussions while we were having them and sometimes join in. My wife was part of my dealing with my feelings about her past. She was happy that I was flirting with that woman and also having many serious discussions with her and another woman who I was also trying to help. Hell, she was happy when I was dating someone else the first 2 years that we dated. You said that you would have been furious if he had kept you informed about his flirting and discussions with that other woman. Would you also have been furious if he had told you that he was seeing a counselor and telling her about his feelings and your actions at the time?
I had a 1 night stand with a woman back then (28 years ago). I never told my gf about that, even though she knew about the 3 women who I dated. I don't know why, but probably because she wasn't as classy or as attractive as my wife was and I was probably a little embarrassed to tell her in case she ever saw her. I mentioned it to my wife early last year when we were having our discussions about her past and she asked me why I never mentioned her. I told her what I just said to you and she asked me what she was like and I told her and that was it. If a couple has honesty both ways then discussions like that are relatively easy.
My wife would also occasionally remember something that she had never told me and would tell me then. Did I think that she had lied to me in the past? Hell no. I have done the same thing. If she were all of a sudden to remember 2 more guys who she had screwed and would tell me I wouldn't think that she had lied about that either. It's not like she kept a list. If she were to tell me about the other 20 then she would have obviously lied before. It's all relative.
You said, “When she said on 29th July she was feeling guilty leading him on as they'd done 'nothing' yet I assumed 'nothing' meant exactly that.
Now I'm wondering if by her standards that would be full sex and a w**k or BJ would be classed as 'nothing' apart from 'just' leading someone on???”
Why would you think that? You have no justification for thinking that. What is the evidence? Maybe “nothing” to her is no touching or no kissing or no undressing or no oral sex or no ejaculating inside her. I can only take wild meaningless guesses.
You are wanting continuing discussion on this. Perhaps it will make you feel better (or worse) to talk about it more. I don't know. We are all different in how we handle things like this, so I can only guess how more discussion will make you feel. I didn't even know how more discussion with my wife and those other women would make me feel when it was happening.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Hi, SB, I posted on your previous post too. I'm happy to hear there was some forward progress in the reconciliation of you two. Now, I have to say that I think it is a reasonable answer that he simply cannot remember the details of why he called her "DLM". You seem to be pushing on this and I have to ask what you expect or hope the outcome will be? Of the questioning process, I mean. Could you articulate exactly what knowing exactly what he was responding to could do to help in this process you're going through?
I came up with a couple of possibilities for why he said what he said to her.
One is probably what you are most fearful of, that he was referring to an actual physical encounter. I rather think he'd say, "thank you for that hot BJ!" rather than say "DLM".
The next is that she'd said something dirty or naughty to him and he responded. The exact thing may not be memorable enough to remember precisely.
Another is that she had told him she thought of him when she was having sex with her husband.
You're getting bogged down in the details and missing the big picture. Let's try to focus on what it is you want to accomplish in your marriage. Not in this little particular incident, but in the entirety of it. Where are you now, and where do you want to be? How do you get from here to there? Is he on board for this? What are the tools you're going to need to do this? Do YOU have to do any work to undo the damage you did by withdrawing affection and sex for so long? Is his psyche damaged from this rejection of him as a husband? Does he trust that you're not going to go back or remain in "hands off" mode? Are your symptoms of menopause managed? Do you know what your hormone levels are? Have you been evaluated for depression? Do you WANT this marriage to succeed? Is looking backward and nailing down a blow-by-blow (sorry for the bad pun) account of every minute of his life from June 2007 to June 2008 going to help the reconciliation? Or will it drive you two further apart than you are already?
THOSE are the questions you should be focusing on, not the minute details of something that happened (or didn't happen) a year ago. You're missing the forest for the trees.
I think you won't be able to do this on your own, frankly. You don't seem to have the tools to manage your thought process and lack a mediator to keep things moving forward between you and your husband. I think you're not facing your role in this and that's the real reason you don't want to go to counseling, because you'll be called to account for that.
Sorry for being so brutal, but I see you repeating the same thought process over and over again. How long has it been? A year? How long do you want live this way?
I do wish you all the best as you struggle to come to terms with what's happened to your marriage and what that betrayal by your husband means to your future.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Im confused, did this happen this year or last year? and why are you not going absolutely ballistic at your old man?? Even if it hasn't run to full blown sex...or it didn't at the time, things could still develop if he is still in contact with her. There is usually no smoke without fire and he owes you some honest answers. You just shared a special anniversary with him, but how happy can you be with someone who has flirted with another woman?
You need total reassurance from him that what ever this was between him and her, that it has stopped and stopped for good. You will never have any peace until you know...and when you do know the truth, only then can you decide if your going to stay or go!!
If you have decided to stay anyway and are prepared to allow him to be flirtacious with her, then you just have to bury your head further into the sand.
Honest to god it breaks my heart when men (and sometimes women) cannot honour or respect their marriage. It's as if they are resolved of all responsibility...they just cannot help themselves and it leaves the remaining partner the painful task of finding out whats going on, why did it happen and is it worth saving. In my honest opinion it shows the respect and trust has gone...and without those...you don't have a marriage...you have a habit!!
My sympathies to you. I have no explaination of what she really did (the other woman) I can't even guess...and even if I could, it probably wouldn't make you feel better.
Get real with yourself, if you think he is cheating and he cannot convince you otherwise...it's time to kick him to the kerb.
Best of luck to you!!!
Aunty Em xxx
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Oh Scrambled Brain....
You are still beating yourself up and bargaining. The Sim Card, now this....
ok, here is the deal.
Cheaters and their ilk continue to act this way unless they fear losing something, He has no fear, he is blatantly lying to you(come on..she is NOT gonna tell your hubby about her blowing her man unless there was something in it for him). At the very least this is emotional cheating.
But yet you are writing back again with yet another revelation that he cant quite explain away. Your hubby is floating whoppers out there and you are letting him walk all over you.
My advice from the last post you had still stands. he is now taking you again for granted and betting again that you will just keep your head in the sand. This last "subjective memory syndrome" would be laughable if I didnt know that it was ripping you apart.
Once again I am sorry, but unless you decide that enough is enough he will keep giving you this line and you will be wearing a giant doormat on your forehead.
I was like you once....ONCE.
I wanted to believe against hope that this just wasn't happening even though it was happening right in front of me. I just wanted to wish this away and think it was a mistake. Finally I took my scrotum off my mantle where my ex had hidden it like a key to a Swiss Safety Deposit Box and when I finally attached my balls back to my head, I did something about it. Yeah it was tough as hell to pick myself up and not take the easy way out, but I did, and it was the best decision I ever made.
If you go on like this you will destroy any self confidence you have left. I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I can only advise. You have top find the inner strength to say "ENOUGH OF THIS BS" and put his feet to the fire.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (31 July 2009):
 She might of texted him what she wanted to do to him or what she was doing to herself at the time....maybe they were sending rude msgs but doesnt mean anything has happened....but still your husband should not be doing this.
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