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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My girl wants to have a baby with me. I was scared about this at first, but she wants it so much and I love to see her happy and see her smile, so I started to convince myself I was ready.But she got in my face last night about it, and finally I asked her about the planning of it, and the finance of it. Like can I care for them adequately. I don't want to be a deadbeat dad i want to be responsible. Also, my Grandfather is terminally ill so I have to spend a large part of the year with him. I was worried she would be sad without me. I expressed these concerns, and she would have none of it. She was hurt, and says how can she trust me when i keep going back on what I say..She then said You're right, it was a stupid idea to have a baby and I was like, what, no thats not what I said. Then she says I just tell her what she wants to hear.then before she said goodbye to me, she said she will always love me. It had a ring of finality to it.what the hell happened. I don't understand. Did she break up with me? I don't want to beg her because, uh, that just doesn't work, but I am hurting in silence over here. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate..
she was bluffing to see if I cared she says. She always doubts that I care. We are back together now.. and... I might have a baby on the way.
This relationship is challenging. She like a full time job on top of my full time job lol
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): Coming from a female perspective, she has probably jumped to conclusions and thought you're making excuses about your family because you don't want to go ahead with a pregnancy. I think it needs time to cool down. She needs time to coold down too and decide what she really wants and how she will deal with your family problems at the same time. You then need to have a mature conversation about your future and try to tell her again as nice as possible about your family problems. She is either going to listen to you and work out something or she is going to not care. Try and put yourself in her shoes and she needs to do the same. It sounds like a strange way to break up with someone. Just give it time. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): hey there, i think you are doing the right and sensible thing by not rushing into having a child. She has to realise that your feelings are important too - you have your own life to live and having a child takes over your life. If she has broken up with you for not getting her own way then you are better off alone, if she loved you she would try to understand you - im sure she would wait, there's plenty of time :-). By the sounds of it, she wants you to chase her, and say you want what she wants, even if you don't, which is really selfish and controlling. Stand your ground, live your life and do what makes you happy. You only get 1 life - don't let someone else control it for you. Im sure she will come to the realisation that she has over-reacted and get in touch with you :-) good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): Good for your for taking care of your grandfather. I'm sure your efforts mean an awful lot to him. You are doing a wonderful thing there.I also think you are being very sensible about working out you are going to fund a baby, etc. There is nothing wrong with planning it out whatsoever, it is the mature thing to do. Don't feel bad about it. And, if you don't think you are ready, even if it is just for financial reasons, then that's fine. Just wait. You are right to want to be able to provide, etc. I feel like your gf is trying to make you feel guilty into having a child which is the utterly wrong reason to have a baby.And her not even thinking about the realities of having a baby makes me think she is just being stupid and I would be very wary of bringing a baby into this situation. she is being immature.if she has left, well, from your post I don't think that's such a bad thing. To me she comes across as selfish and thoughtless. You should never have a baby just to keep someone happy. And if you have to do that then they aren't the person for you I'm afraid.Concentrate on the time with your grandad for now. you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. If this gf doesn't work out, well, you will find someone else. To me it doesn't sound like this is the perfect match anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): This may sound really strange ..... get a puppy. I am not kidding. Puppies needs and wants are like that of a baby, but not as demanding as a baby. I know alot of women who are past having more children ... and always opt for the puppy. It will also help you and your girlfriend understand the commitment that is required by a child, and sometimes it does soothe the maternal instincts that we woman seem to have.If puppy world is still ok after a few months ... then maybe you are both ready for baby, or maybe the puppy will cool the baby urges a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat last one was at lonely twocaterpillar,I know her pretty well, she's not patient. Everything is so urgent for her. I try to calm her down a bit and was sometimes successful, but sometimes she just is impossible to reassure. But I love her... That's what got me to this point. I think a child is a big deal too, I just want my child to have a quality life, that's all. I want to be a good dad..Anon,I don't know.. I feel bad for telling her I was for it. For trying to lie to myself to make her happy. But yes I worry about finance...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo just take the plunge, you are advocating? No plan, no security?I work, not full time as you surmised. My family will not step up regarding my Grandpa. I am the only one.The most they will do is visit like every month.I don't want to lose her.. This is breaking my heart.. Yes I'm confused but I know I don't want to lose her.. But I can't turn around and say yes now, because she told me she feels bad cuz she feels like she is forcing me now. Her words are like a cage..no matter what I say I can't come out alive. Is there any hope?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): nah she didn't break up with you, and she's the one that's not trying to understand anything. Kids are super expensive, take my word for it, you're doing the right thing by being careful in your thoughts. She doesn't understand life as well yet, I guess.
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male
reader, caterpillarchapstick  +, writes (25 February 2010):
if she did break up with you, sadly, perhaps its for the best. she sounds like she is having some major maternal urges that she can't control and sounds like you are apprehensive to say the least. this is often the case where the male is trying to make excuses because of irrational or rational fear. if you are not ready then she shouldn't push you. just as she wouldn't want you to push her into something life-altering against her better judgement. if she loves you she will be patient. if she just left you, well she just might want a child for selfish reasons as well. bringing life into the world is a BIG DEAL.
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