Did my fear of intimacy ruin the relationship...how do I fix this??

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

So any thoughts, opinions, and advice would be greatly appreciated. I recently turned 27, and have never been in a REAL relationship, so I am very immature when it comes to certain communications and how to relate to someone else. So...I've been talking to this guy all day every day for 9 months now via text. We met a few years back very briefly and then didn't talk for awhile but then he got back in contact with me and he confided in me that when he first saw me he was just captivated by me and ever since then he's wanted me non-stop. He was pretty persistent with staying in touch and soon enough we ended up talking all day every day...so of course over time I've fully developed feelings for him as I believe he has for me as well. Over these months Ive taken pics (not naked...but lingerie pics) and would send them and we'd have "sexy talk" about how much we wanted eachother etc. Which actually more than half of our conversations was him telling me how much he found me sexy and wanted me, and thought about me all day, blah, blah etc. So recently we found out he would be in my area for a few days. So of course I jumped at the chance to hangout in person. So we meet up and everything is great. We drink, have fun, and have amazing conversation. He seriously is my double. We fit perfectly. But here's where I fucked up. Because he was always telling me that I'm the prototype of the perfect woman for him I started feeling such pressure and fear that I would not be up to his standards in person...that I wouldn't live up to his expectations and then would be rejected. So I developed a fear of intimacy. That next morning...he got handsy with me in my nether regions which was fine but because of my issues and shyness I remained unresponsive while he did his thing. It happened 2 more times over the duration of the couple of days. I was unresponsive NOT because I was uninterested or unattracted but from my own insecurities and fears. So...after those few days he had business to take care of and then we were going to see eachother 1 more time. But he texted me saying he felt I showed no interest and he threw himself at me time and time again yet I barely responded and said I probably shouldnt go see him that day and that maybe we will kick it again after everything calms down(there's been a lot of unfortunate events in my life that happened while he was here). I was devastated and didnt want to loose him so I took a HUGE leap, put my pride aside, decided that i would tell him everything about my own issues and risk looking like an idiot. So I explained to him exactly that I was fearful of not living up to his expecations etc so I pushed him away and was unresponsive due to my own fears of rejection but my actions had nothing to do with him etc etc. He responded with a vague "I understand" text in which I said I felt that if he did understand he'd be more accepting of all this...to which he replied with "Im accepting of this" haha...such vague texts, nothing that would comfort me into thinking that this will work out. I couldnt take those seriously so I replied kinda repeating what id said about my own insecurities and that I really would like a do-over. Soooo...since then Ive yet to receive a response to all of that. Ive sent 3 little irrelevant texts about someone I saw that we both like, one thanking him for taking me somewhere since i didn't get to thank him while he was here, and another asking if he'd seen something i lost in my partment...but we went from talking NON-stop everyday to nothing. I'm afraid I ruined everything and I shared that with him as well. But what can I do?? Im trying to maintain my distance so that some time goes by so he can maybe re-evaluate what happened. But did I ruin that? My friends have said he might have felt that I had all the power seeing that I basically rejected him so now he's acting that way as a means of mending his own pride and ego. One friend said he's an asshole if he hasn't been more understanding and that even though the sex stuff is a huge part of it, he should be understanding about that. I dont know though. Im dying to have a do-over...to hangout again as if that first time didn't happen. I mean when it comes down to it a rocky first time together shouldn't be the end of what was there...but the fact that I put everything on the table and opened up is rare. Actually that was probably the first time Ive done that w/a guy. I've always been too afraid of looking too emotional or needy but said fuck it since my weird fears got me in this situation in the first place. So...I dunno what to do. I may have scared him away because that was the first time he'd ever seen me act "girlie" by admitting my emotions, so maybe that's something he doesn't want to deal with. He just got back from being away from home for a few months so I thought it's best to leave him alone for a week so he can get re-settled, see his friends and family and let some time pass over this mishap...and then try talking again. I just don't know how to initiate anything in order to mend this. When I do talk to him again...what should I say to re-start some communication? Crap...this was long haha. I tried to explain this the best I could and I know I probably left out a lot of info but hopefully I can get some more advice and other thoughts on this. Thank you a million times in advance for anyone who takes the time to read this and respond.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010):

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A female reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2010):

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