A
male
age
30-35,
*ourfavdinosaur
writes:I greatly appreciate any advice.A little background info first: We've been in a long-distance relationship for 15 months (I had to move after our one month anniversary). Also, we haven’t talked properly since February. My girlfriend lives in an emotionally abusive household. She was sent to a residential treatment facility for counseling because of family conflicts – because I called the police on their household and because my girlfriend and her twin sister were feeling suicidal, because they couldn’t tolerate their mother and sister any longer.Six months later (she’s still in the facility)… my girlfriend called me saying our relationship needed a break. Mainly, she wanted to take a break from our relationship is to find herself and love herself. She’s insistent she completely depended on me for everything, though I disagree because she was always strong. She said she always depended on me to “get up,” “to eat,” “to not kill [her]self,” “to feel better,” “to try in school,” “to take care of herself.” Also, she mentioned that only she can help herself and that I couldn’t, nor can any of her friends or family. I mean, I understand what she’s trying to say, how she wants to be independent, but I’m worried about her. but she doesn’t blame me…Now, she wants me to help her by not helping her and not being there for her. That’s my main concern. I want to believe she’s stronger and that she’ll become stronger. I never want to see her hurt again, not after all I’ve heard about her family, or the abusive teenagers in her school. I want her to have a good life, and, like she said, ‘maybe’ have her back when she’s a stronger woman. She doesn’t guarantee we’ll be back together though… and that saddens me…But after all we’ve been through, would I have a chance again if I give her space? Because I’m willing to. I don’t want us to be COMPLETELY over. One day, I want to be together with her again, even if it takes years for her to find herself. I love her so much and she loves me still too.I’ve just been having mixed messages lately. A month back, she was normal, loving, committed, affectionate, now she changed. How should I handle this situation to the best of my ability? Thank you all for your kind consideration.(I can only message her with mail too because of facility regulations. Maybe I should talk to her about this in person when she gets out?)
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 September 2011):
Hi. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things now.
As difficult as it will be keeping your distance, it really is a very important part of her healing, most definitely.
And especially as you have said she mentioned something of this over the weeks or months - about becoming strong and independent again.
What you have said about concentrating more on yourself now, is a wise choice, and keeping in contact, but slightly less often - is a good decision.
I really believe by doing this, you will find her healing process will flow much more smoothly if you are not there all the time with her.
The idea is that her recovery is as quick as possible. This process can't be rushed.
A
male
reader, yourfavdinosaur +, writes (5 September 2011):
yourfavdinosaur is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, now I am keeping my distance. She does really love me still as I can see from her messages and seems to want to be back with me.
I can't do that to her though, to make her dependent again.
So I've made my decision that we will talk only when necessary. Also, every once in a while to at least maintain contact.
But I will try to avoid it when I can so she can help herself in the process. I figured that point of her alone forced to rely on herself. So, I'll leave her at that.
My hopes still lie with being with her in the future. I will move on to focusing on myself for now, however. Once again, thanks for your help.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 September 2011):
Hi. Another point I just thought of is, the more you try to be there for her - to help her - the more dependent on you, she is likely to become.
Like being an emotional support system for her.
So what I am really saying here, is she might not try to go it alone and become an emotionally strong, self supporting person, if she knows you are always there to help.
Even though primarily, she is getting professional help. Family and friends also help in their own way.
So she has all these people around her to lend her a helping hand, and so she knows she can always fall back on them if she finds the going gets tough.
Hanging about in the near vicinity of her, could actually hinder her recovery.
On the other hand, if you kept your distance - by reducing your contact with her - she would then be forced to try harder and depend only on herself.
After all, a full recovery by her, is entirely up to her.
She alone, can make that recovery speedy, or else long and drawn out over years if she likes!
I'm not sure if you understand what I mean by this, however it is an important point.
It is now a case of her trusting herself to take complete control over her health and over her life.
Once she can do that, she will progress at a very fast pace.
However for it to happen at all, she has to have the faith in herself, and the belief that she alone can do this.
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A
male
reader, yourfavdinosaur +, writes (4 September 2011):
yourfavdinosaur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's just hard for me to keep my mind off of her; that's the hardest part of my situation. If I can stop that, then I'll be okay.
Talking to people usually helps me get a handle on my situation. But I am a reserved introvert, so it's hard for me unless someone approaches me. She really was both the best friend and girlfriend to me which is another factor in my situation.
Now, as you said, she will be on a journey, a long one. I do want to support her in a non-obstructive way. I don't want an emotional burden though. She said, though, that we would still talk every now and then to maintain contact.
This situation is a lot to take on. This would mostly put only my relationship life on hold, at least. I'm not holding off on anything else though.
I'm glad to have had you opinion again, so, thank you again for your help. I will consider what you've said.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 September 2011):
Hi. It depends now, on how much she is influenced by her family.
Unfortunately, as far as her gaining some self confidence is concerned, you can't help her with that.
This is going to be journey for her, alone.
I guess it's going to come down to how long you are prepared to wait for that to happen. It's very hard to know how long it's going to take.
So at this point in time, the ball really is in her court now.
If you want to support her or at least be a friend to her, well you could do that if you like, however it's going to become somewhat of a burden for you, the longer the process takes for her to "find herself". And it could become a very heavy burden for you. An emotional burden, that is.
I realize you naturally want to help her in whatever way that you could, however there may come a time where you ask yourself - "Do I really want to continue on doing this?" - "Am I truly happy doing this?"
It's a real lot to take on, trying to help "heal" her, and in so doing, there are going to be so many things that you won't be able to do because of it.
It's a big emotional investment that you are making.
And if you were to take that path, you would be putting your own life "on hold", hoping, wishing and praying that she might come around to feeling like being in a relationship and being independent again. And there's no guarantee it will happen anytime soon, is there?
It's really up to you, and you alone. You are the one living your life, and no-one else.
This is a situation you need to think over very carefully.
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A
male
reader, yourfavdinosaur +, writes (3 September 2011):
yourfavdinosaur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Dorothy! Sorry for the delayed response (I thought nobody would reply to me after a few days).I guess twice a week sounds good, just to check up on each other and for greetings.That's true. And I have recently been preoccupied with thoughts of her...I have recently contacted her actually (she's out) and it seems like it will take a while for her to find herself. A year maybe? There's no real way of telling though.Well, she was sent back to her family, her family is supposed to have had treatment too (not as extreme as hers though). But now they're against our relationship, that we should never go out again. Because she said there was a possibility we would never go out again...Hopefully not, seriously, if everything went back to the way they started, then there would've been no progress, my help would've been for naught, and I would've lost her too. Right now I don't see her going back and forth. But that's just my intuition at the moment.Thanks again Dorothy!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 August 2011):
Hello again. Perhaps if you contact her only once a week - not every day. Otherwise, it could disrupt her and the treatment she is having there.
Maybe twice a week at the most. About 3 or 4 days apart.
This way you won't be so preoccupied with thoughts of her all the time, and you will still have time to yourself to live your own life without completely standing still.
In the situation you are in - which is waiting for her to find herself, and for her to be discharged from this treatment facility - it can seem to take over your whole life, so all the more reason to restrict your contact with each other to only twice a week at the maximum.
You know that she's not going to be in there for too much longer - perhaps a couple of months at the most - then you will be in a different position, once she is out.
There will be little or no restriction in contact with her then.
Once she is ready to be released from the treatment facility, is it possible that she could live somewhere else - not with her family? What about grandparents? Is it a possibility?
The way I see it, if she moves back with her family again, as soon as she leaves where she is, she is going to be right back to where she started. So from there, I see her going back and forth between home and the treatment facility, a cycle in other words. Do you see that?
Needless to say, the people treating her are going to be looking at her home situation and for some other possible alternatives.
Otherwise, it's going to be a cycle which continually repeats itself over and over again.
For her to move back home, could actually be a backward step.
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A
male
reader, yourfavdinosaur +, writes (5 August 2011):
yourfavdinosaur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone! Thanks for all your advice.It’s true, she was isolated, and therefore must’ve had time to focus on her life better. I’m glad that she’s looking forward to personal strength and independence.Rcn, I remember she wrote, and also when she called, that she wanted to grow by herself to gain strength. And yes I agree, it is a tragedy, I’m still trying to cope with my emotions, but I want what’s best for us, what’s best for her, in the long run, so that one day (I hope) we get back together. Also, I agree with you that I can’t always protect her; it makes sense. For me, this is a difficult time, but I’m trying to press on so that one day, when she becomes a better woman, I’ll be a better man. And, hopefully, prevail in our love for each other like you said. Thank you for your words and advice!Hey Dorothy Dix! Yes, yes, restrictions… we’ve actually dwindled down to mere messages because of her parents. First webcam, then phone, then texts, and now just messages that come by every so often. But I have remained faithful in our communications and with her. I guess time is the most realistic solution here, for now. Like you said though, I wouldn’t know what’s ahead, but I’ll just keep improving myself to be a better person. Really, I would love to wait for her, mainly because of our communication skills and how we understand each other. If she grows past that though, I’ll have to see it before it’s too late, like you said; again, it is a gamble. But I am a risk taker. At least I know I’ll have improved myself as a better person in the end aside from waiting. Thank you too, Dorothy Dix.Green eyed mulatto, thanks for your response! Once again, time… it’s pretty hard, but I get what you’re all trying to say. Yes, she did imply she wasn’t stable enough to be in a relationship until she could find herself. I will give her the time she needs. I love her for all that she is and my goal, our entire relationship, was to be her icing on her cake; to make her happy. So, if this is what I have to do, I guess it is, then, for the best. I appreciate the time you took to help by the way!Thank you all again so far for advice. Everything you all say helps. Your words make me think. Although this will be a difficult journey, I’ll keep working hard to become a better man. I’ll maintain communication with her and hope for the best in both our futures. If you all have any advice on how often I should communicate, please tell me! I don’t want to be too intrusive on her life when she gets out of the facility, but I don’t want to lose contact either.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 August 2011):
 You can't be her savior. I think this is what she's getting at. She's probably learned in this center how dependent she is. He not wanting to be with you now, or take a break, sounds like she feels bad about who she is in being so dependent. What I wonder is what sort of strength is she looking for? Does not being with you make her stronger, or does it put her in a place to grow by herself, instead of with you? I admit sometimes people need space to grow, mature, and gain strength, but it's a tragedy when that has to be done at the expense of loosing someone you love.
Even so, it's her life, and you have to allow her space to do things the way she feels she needs to. She's been in a bad place. I don't know about you, but I've never experienced the abuse she's gone through. Like you, I've been with someone who was extremely abused as well, and I can say I don't know what she went through. I deeply regret that she'd gone through what she had, although I wasn't there, and didn't know her at the time. I think this is where your concerns come into play. You seem like a good guy. I'm sure you've said, "I'll protect you and make sure no one hurts you." I know I sure did. It's natural that when you love someone who has been hurt, you want to protect them from being hurt, but it's not your job, and isn't your obligation in the relationship. It's like being a parent with a child. You want to protect them from harm, and what hurts is knowing you can't be there all the time to do so. I believe I've taught my children well, and their mother, who I'm no longer with, has taught them well also. I have to go on with faith that when they are faced with difficult situations that our advise comes to mind, and it's used.
However this ends up, you need to live with the faith that through her abuse and difficulties, she has become stronger, and will find her way to becoming more of who she is meant to be. This may be with you, and it may be without. It's not easy to let go, but sometimes it's what's required to allow someone else to find their way. If you two truly love one another, I hope in the end your love prevails, but their might be some trials and separation before that happens. You did a good thing by turning in that family. You gave her a chance to live her life, without being abused. Never regret doing so.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 August 2011):
Hi there. Unfortunately, while she's in this facility you are going to be restricted, as you have said yourself.
The reason for this, is because too much contact with the outside world could compromise the treatment she is having there.
You are going to have to bide your time, and continue to just do what you are doing now - letters or whatever.
In the meantime, just get on with your own life and see your friends, because other than this, you don't have any other alternative.
You could get back together in time, you might not. It's impossible to know that right now.
If you decide to just wait for her, you might be waiting a long time and then you can't be sure of the outcome. It's a bit of a gamble - a big one actually.
The end decision is up to you, and what makes you happy.
It's not worth putting your whole life on hold, in the hope that she will come back to you again. Only to find that she wants to be by herself and NOT in any relationship.
Think about it very carefully, before you make a decision.
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A
female
reader, green eyed mulatto +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Well after reading your situation i sympathize with you and mostly her. know you love her and want to be there to hold her hand through this ordeal but..i agree with her she needs to take time for herself and find her own way out of this situation! I'm sure she doesn't mind your support but that's all you can give her at this point she is not stable enough to be in a relationship with you right now until she can find her self again. And if you truly wants what best you should allow her the time she needs to work on herself period! If the love you two share is real and unconditional than however long it takes to see her healthy and happy again, you will permit her! If she is at this facility than just be patient.Send her mail letting her know you will always be there for her no matter what and show her that you are willing to do what ever is necessary to see her back to loving life and herself again! It sounds like she has been through a lot at and she needs you to give her the space so she can love you the way she wants to..be patient, be supportive; if you truly want to see her happy. And keep your head up good luck!
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