A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy online. We had been dating for 4 months. Everything was going almost perfectly fine, he was texting me a lot, calling, setting up dates etc. He said he’d never felt so good with anyone before. He mentioned us being in a relationship in the future and formed the impression that we were in an exclusive relationship but never outwardly and clearly asked me to be his gf. He said ‘for us to blah blah (I don’t remember at this point) we’d have to be in a relationship’ and then he added ‘but when we get into one in the future, we will (…)’. I said ‘then let’s say we are in one’ (yeah, a bit ambiguous but he didn’t comment on that). I was sure we were together. He mentioned being open to a threesome early on but dropped the topic and apologized after I said I wasn't interested in it at all. He said he wouldn’t cheat on me and that he uninstalled the app. During our early dates he would make sexual innuendos and jokes and he complimented my looks. We had sex after 2 months and he took my virginity. The sex happened only 2 times throughout the relationship (I was being cautious).The thing that bothered me was that he was constantly travelling without me, either with his friends or family. I started arguing more. Fast forward 2 months later I started a second argument about him planning to go away for a 2-week long trip to the seaside with his friends without me, with drinking and a club included like they’ve been doing for years. I told him he should compromise and either take me for that holiday or not go as these are tempting circumstances to cheat. Personally it’s also too long for me to be left for 2 weeks. A few days is fine but not that long. I had several other remarks about some of his behaviors and he usually apologized. I suspected him of being gay (he wasn’t really affectionate and he had some feminine mannerisms). We talked it out and he said he was 100% straight.I said someone who loves his gf would take her with him (neither of us told each other the L word though). He was like ‘you’re not my gf’, ‘we’re not together yet, we’re still seeing each other because we’re not close enough and we haven’t had that talk and you don’t trust me’, and that we’re not officially a couple yet. I feel like he gaslighted me since he said we were seeing each other once a week or even less, which is completely untrue (it was 2-3 times per week). He said we weren’t texting regularly but we were. He said he felt uncomfortable with me treating it as if we’re a bf and gf bc ‘it’s not at that level of closeness’ and that he didn’t like such control. He has told me he hasn’t asked me to be official because I didn’t trust him and because we weren’t seeing each other, texting and calling enough. He even agreed that me stopping him from going on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together. Aren’t all of these just excuses though..? He also added ‘it’s too soon for me to love, I need time’. What?? I was very hurt by these comments, ignored him and unfriended him on social media. After two weeks I contacted him with an ultimatum ‘either we’re officially together or not’. I told him it seems like using me for sex. He tried to put it on me saying ‘you were the one who initiated it and I wasn’t ready’. That’s such BS! I only initiated the topic but he was the one who ‘materialized’ sex the next time. Then he said ‘after all of this I don’t see the prospect of a serious relationship’.He’d been consistently acting like he was into me all these months before I started the second argument. It’s so painful because he had planned stuff with me, had called, texted a lot, had introduced me to his friends and mentioned me hypothetically being his wife. We had so much in common, mutual interests and passions. Was this guy just not that into me? I think he also lied to me about being a virgin (he said he had been with many girls but didn’t sleep with anyone before me). I honestly doubt that since he’s 21.. Now he’s seeing someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2024): It is too late now but giving your virginity to someone who only wants to see you now and then until something better comes along, and has to bs pushed into talking about things is stupid. Trying to get someone to make promises is stupid too, it is obvious they will say want to hear to shut you up and get what they want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2024): The thing is, he gave me some reasons not to trust, such as floating the threesome or speaking about what he likes sexually and then claiming he was a virgin after having sex with me. I told him one of those reasons and he didn't want to comment on that. I get that you gotta trust your partner but you cannot trust them based on nothing. Also, I don't think it's THAT demanding. He even admitted forbidding him from going on the holiday would make sense if we were official, and according to him, with his excuses, we weren't. I guess he just wasn't that into me. Yes, you can have disagreements etc but he didn't even acknowledge me as his girlfriend. We were basically a bf & gf in everything but the title. Then suddenly he denies we're an item because he wants his holiday & doesn't care about my opinion at all. This whole thing was just a confusing mess. Also, why would he say it's too soon for love? He could have kept it to himself, that is hurtful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2024): Next time a guy says he's open to a threesome stop seeing him!
It's clear that he is looking for sex only.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2024): Unfortunately you got overtaken by your emotions and sex desire so ended up sleeping with a man you weren't in a committed relationship with. Four months is no time at all.
It's not necessarily the case that he was just in it for the sex and most men will take it if it's available. But you want a committed relationship, he isn't ready and you're trying to push for what you want. If he's with someone else already then maybe he says nice things to all the girls and you were taken in because he was your first one,.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a proper relationship but for that to happen the foundations have to be built properly and that takes time.
I do hope you'll take more care next time. Make sure you have friends and things to do outside of the relationship so that the person you like isn't the only consideration in your life. Like that you'll be in a stronger position to hold out for what you really want.
I know it sounds old fashioned, but you might also wish to consider whether you want to have sex before the relationship is properly established.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2024): Four months isn't long at all in terms of dating or a relationship.
You're still very young and clearly this is not the guy for you.
I hope you meet someone else who feels better hearted towards you.
It wasnt a comfortable friendship even!
I very much doubt that this guy wanted anything more than a bit of a "fill in relationship" while he had another partner elsewhere.
So put this down to experience.
Someone once told me "Every man is a rat, until he's proved otherwise.
And this was coming from a guy who clearly knew how men thought!
You will realise that sweet words mean nothing unless they are consistently followed up with kind behaviour!
To love you and leave you so quickly isn't kind behaviour.
And he gave you very mixed messages.
Which isn't good news.
Many men have a cavalier attitude to women so finding a good partner means you need to feel very comfortable together for it to last.
Plus online dating is well known to be looking for a quickie, rather than a partnership!
It's time to forget him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2024): I think you have some serious developing to do before you can get into a relationship because you seem to think you can force a close relationship and that's just not the case!
I do think this guy was full of pony but you are not innocent. The writing was on the wall all along and yet you were so desperate for a relationship you tried to coax him into using the 'L' word and talking about wife material...I mean, come on!
He was never going to, nor should he, cancel his lads holiday. You weren't in a relationship and he told you in a million ways he didn't want a relationship with you. It's a classic case of seeing what you want to see.
Take time now to heel, work on yourself, figure out why you feel for his words and learn how to spot the signs next time. Also work on your need for a relationship and all the seriousness so fast. Part of the fun is the beginning stages, what's the rush?
Have a pamper night, eat the chocolate, be kind to yourself for a few days and get over this boy. Let him play out and forget about him. Go be single and enjoy it yourself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 June 2024):
 It sounds like you were both looking for very different things from your relationship. You wanted a boyfriend, while he wanted to continue his carefree bachelor lifestyle, holidaying with his friends, while also seeing you when it suited him.
I doubt he intentionally set out to just use you for sex. Sounds more like he realized, relatively quickly, that you were not the one for him. He's moved on quickly because he is done with you. Now you need to be done with him.
To be honest, even just based on what YOU have written, he is right to move on. You are demanding and, as soon as he refused to deliver what you wanted, i.e. commitment, you accused him of using you for sex. It doesn't sound like he forced you to have sex, so you are probably more than a little annoyed with yourself for putting out for a guy who did not commit in the end.
Next time, take it slower, and make sure you are both on the same page regarding what you want in terms of commitment, and don't compromise. Also, if you don't trust him, walk away. It is pointless going out with someone you don't trust.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 June 2024):
 So for four months you never once believed a single thing he said. You consistently accused him of every imaginable thing. And when he up and leaves you, It's because he only wanted sex?
Relationships are made up of TRUST. Sure early on you need to trust but verify, but at least you have to trust. After 4 months he had given you enough time to build a relationship of TRUST. But you couldn't. So in the absence of a RELATIONSHIP OF TRUST, he went looking for the One Thing he was looking for, TRUST.
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