A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago I meet a much older man and started having an affair with him, I was 19 he was 42. I found out he was married two months after we started dating. Because of his job he had an apartment in myTown where he worked and lived in another town with his wife and two teenage children. I was crushed when I found out he had a wife and ended things but ended up taking him back a few weeks later. My parents were furious and gave me the ultimatum to either break up with him or move out. I moved out with them and over the next few months of arguments with my parents I ended up not speaking to them for the next five months. I found out I was pregnant and he told me he was going to leave his wife so we could be a family. When I was five months pregnant I finally called my parents and told them I was pregnant. They were disappointed and told me they couldn't believe I was going to go through with a pregnancy to a married man and how disappointed they were. When I was 7 months pregnant he told me that he couldn't leave his wife, he had never told her I was pregnant and he couldn't disappoint her or his sons. He helped me get an apartment of my my own, bought everything I needed for our daughter and helped me move in. He was there for her birth and promised to take care of her. He pays child support monthly , an amount he thought would be right and visits her a couple times a week. He never told his wife about her., she's now 10 months old. My parents slowly became part of her life but we argue a lot and usually things end with our visits ending in a fight. Last month was rough. My car needed routine inspection and it needed work. It costed me most of my savings then on top of that I applied to go back to school in the fallSo had to make deposits on that. Then my daughter got sick and I got sick from her. One evening it was hot , I was sick and over whelmed . I called him in tears saying I needed help. When he arrived I was upset and we got into an argument because I vented about everything I was worried about and how I was going to pay for summer clothes for our daughter and how hot the apartment was. He told me to take a shower and we would go out and get some things for our daughter. We bought to ACs for the apartment and two fans. Then he bought almost $400 worth of summer clothes for our daughter and insisted on buying groceries for me. He said he noticed I didn't have a lot in the fridge. I always make sure our daughter has her formula / snacks and baby food that she needs. I've never once let her go with out. I told him he didn't have to worry about me but he insisted. He came back , installed the ACs, helped put everything away, went and filled my car up with gas and got dinner for us. He ended up staying the night. Nothing happened it was just really late when everything got done. Of course that would be the one morning my parents decide to stop by u unannounced. When they saw him there they got upset. A few days later my daughter's father showed up at my apartment , he said his wife found the Carters store receipt and asked why he was buying $400 worth of baby clothes. They got into an argument and he admitted everything to her. He was upset and we started talking and things happened between us. Out of panic the next day I took plan B and my mom found the package in the garbage Since then my mom said I was a huge disappointment and how she hopes my daughter had better morals then I do. She said that she finds it hard being around me because she doesn't agree with what I'm doing. I feel like she will never forgive me. Is there anyway to change her opinion on me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2024): Now that your child is here it is good to ask her father to help out financially.
It isn't necessary to try to pacify your parents.
You took a pathway that they wouldn't have taken but you have put in all the commitment to growing your baby in your womb and to having a healthy child and now the father is willing to provide for her as he should!
It's not for me, or anyone else to lecture you on morals.
You have to move on from the point that you are at.
How your child was conceived is not a question anyone else needs to concern themselves with.
The baby was conceived through normal adult interaction.
That's all.
You shouldn't be considered a second class citizen and as the father is willing to pay for your child that is all there is to it at the moment.
I don't like this burden of guilt you are carrying.
He knew he was married when he first hit on you.
You didn't go out of your way to snare yourself a married man and believe me I know women who have!
Exactly who should bear the burden of guilt is an unnecessary question.
You are doing everything you can to deal with the situation you are in.
I feel you have assumed all of the responsibility and acceptance of blame when he was equally involved.
He was acting as a single man and his wife knew he had a flat in another town.
The wife isn't a saint just because she is a wife!
Your child is completely innocent of all blame and you have learned to survive and adapt as you have to because it seems to me that you don't get much support from elsewhere.
It is close to bullying to blame you for the conception of your child!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2024): Morals aside...
He is not a reliable person!
And he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He's a grown man who lied to everybody, including you.
One other thing. You both obviously don't care about safe sex. You got pregnant once and used plan B recently. That's something you should definitely learn to care about and get tested for everything under the sun. I doubt that you're the only indiscretion in his life.
As far as I understood, you don't have anything legal regarding his obligations towards your kid, right? He's doing everything because he's "such a nice man". Another thing you should learn to care about before you have to hire a lawyer to make him do what's right.
The only reason he confessed to his wife because he was too careless to hide his tracks better. He hadn't chosen you (or her), he simply got caught. So that's yet another thing you should learn to care about - you being NOT important to him.
So even if we set morals aside, your parents are right to worry about you, since you are putting your life (and now your child's life) into someone else's hands. You prefer to let someone else take care of you instead of learning to take care of yourself, grow into smart, hardworking and responsible and independent person.
You want to change their minds? Start acting like a responsible and independent adult who can take care of a kid. In other words, grow up. Until you do, they'll treat you like a spoiled brat. One might argue that they haven't raised you right. But that's another can of worms. At your age it's beside the point. You are too old to cry about how your parents treated you. You are your own woman. You wanted to play "adult" now act like it.
And good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2024): I'm the original poster to this question
As for the money, he pays more than I would have asked. He pays my full rent, then enough money to buy all her necessities , then there's usually $300 left over and I pay my cell/internet/tv. He has looked into daycare for when I go to school in the fall and has offered to cover the cost. So I'm not upset about the amount he pays. I just hate asking for help or for things outside of that amount.
He provides for her with out question when I ask for things. The day he found out she was sick he didn't even hestiatie with sending money for her meds and offered me extra money for anything she needed. So I can't just cut him out of her life. I'd never be able to afford a place for us to live with out him. He made sure we had a nice apartment in a nice part of town because he didn't want us living someplace sketchy.
I wish I could make things better between my parents, I really do. I try to make them proud. I know I messed up. I know I should have never dated him after I knew he was married but I can't change that and I don't regret my daughter regardless of how she got here.
I'm try to better our lives , I want to go back to school and make things better but if they don't help me then he's the only one I have to help me. If I had of called them up and said we needed things , that's all I would have heard about was how I messed up my life and they had to help me. He didn't do that. He helped us and when I thanked him he told me it was ok. I just feel like a complete failure and I just want my daughter to have to the best life she can and to have a mom she is proud of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2024): At this stage there isn't much you can do to appease your mum.
You have your little girl who she sees occassionally.
It's too late for your mother to make comments about finding it difficult to be around you due to her discomfort with your morals!
It's not good that she is trying to imply that she hopes your daughter will have better morals than you.
She is inferring that you are not a good person to be best and maybe that the daughter would be better off with her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2024): On the one hand you have a man who won't commit to you and feels guilty about it. He provides for you practically but the relationship isn't going anywhere because he won't leave his wife. He's now on bad terms with her and no wonder. Any woman would feel angry and upset at being cheated on.
On the other hand your parents are upset that you are having an affair with a married man. It sounds like they are judging you for your involvement with him.
The thing is that once sex enters the equation then a bind is formed. This is fine in a committed relationship but outside of that it puts you in a very vulnerable position. Along with their shame, your parents will also be worried about your getting hurt. It might be hard for them to understand how you're unable to let go of him.
I know it's hard as you're attached to this man, but you're second best to him. Is that what you want?
My suggestion is that you give him his marching orders, however hard that might be. Could you open up to your parents about how you need support? They might just come to realise how it is for you and see what a bad time you've had emotionally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2024): She is disappointed because you are gullible, naive, easily led and a doormat to a man who is taking advantage of you. She hates the idea that despite her bringing you up to be wise and make good decisions you choose not to. She worries this will ruin your life - and to be honest if you continue as you have it will.
As for the bit about he pays what he thinks is right. You should decide that between the two of you, not just him making all of the decisions. Even with that you were far too trusting and letting him have his way. He has the best of both worlds with a wife and you too. And for all you know he lies to you same as he lies to his wife. Why would he lie to her but be honest with you, you are no more special than she is. If he loved you he would have left her, despite his excuses. You act like an adult, having sex and leaving him, but you think like a child.
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