A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles. Please help me. I have totally muucked things up with a guy who I really like and who I think was perfect for more. I feel sick at what I have done, or more importantly how stupid I have acted. I am 31 and can't beleive I become some crazy woman... I am not normally like that. I met a lovely guy on a dating website. We met for a drink and it went really well. I was cool laid back and I liked him, we ended up kissing and it was wonderful and he seemed amazing and keen and a really nice guy. Then we spoke everyday and got really close and few weeks later had our second date, Again went really well and was lovely BUT we stupidly slept together and I did want to wait, but we somehow ended back at mine. but again afterwards it was all great and lovely and the week later he came to mine for dinner and drinks and we spent lovely night together... THEN, the girly me kicked in and I was attached and I said are we going out now and he said let's carry on getting to know each other and I freaked (as had come out of a year and a half where I was just shagging a guy and was attatched) So I sent him loads of messages and become like a crazy lady all this weekend. I also got upset that he cancelled seeing me weekend (when he only said possibly anway) and the upshot was again me going like a mad woman at him. He texted me last night and basically said we need to chill for a bit as we have been on 3 dates and this is going way too fast and not what we wants. I have tried to rectify the situation by explaining that it is all to do with the past and not wanting to go through that again, but he emailed a cold email to say that maybe we could meet soon and to take care of myself I am such a twat, what is my next move? or is it runied before it began Thanks x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Have you not thought of trying the lonely hearts ads in your local newspaper?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Go back on the dating site. I`m sure there`s lots more on there that you can get attached to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): i think the trouble with you is that you are mixing up "being attached" with desperation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): You said you was sleeping with someone you was attached to and then met a bloke off a dating site (of all places), you slept with him and got attached again. I think you have serious problems with a fear of being alone. It is a self esteem issue and it needs sorting fast. Forget dating sites and getting serious with virtual strangers. You need to sort yourself out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): I am confused to why women have to use dating sites. I am attractive but not a model, yet still, thankfully, I have not ever had to look on a dating site. Do people not realize they are used by sex predators who are good at exploiting neediness and desperation? I would suggest getting yourself made up and go out and meet someone you can see and get to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): he was just a user on a dating site, looking for desperate women. your only mistake was not spotting what a using rat he is. move past him, he is not worth your tears or embarrassment. try and get someone else but not off a dating site. things will get better for you.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (30 October 2012):
I think somewhere_between may have a valid point. I would check out these guys well before going to bed with any of them. I would not be confident about anyone off a dating site to be honest with you.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Some men register on dating sites to get quick sex by pretending they are looking for a serious relationship. It is like a sport to them. I would not take it as anything you did wrong.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (30 October 2012):
 If he`d have told you from the start that all he wanted was sex, then would you have still met him? I get the impression from things I hear, that 95 out of 100 guys who go on dating sites are only in it for sex. They just pose as wanting a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): If you are allowing men off dating sites to use you, then for your own safety, take precautions. I would seek help for self esteem issues before you allow them sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): I myself confess to using dating sites because it is far easier to bed girls. There is far more chance of scoring on the first night because girls on dating sites seem to believe anything you tell them. In the clubs the girls are not as desperate so it`s not always guaranteed that a man will score. I would bear this in mind if you are going to continue meeting strange men off the internet. Be careful and listen and take note to what oldbag and bronzed adonis have said to you.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (29 October 2012):
 I think if you leave him alone for a while and do not text or make contact in any way then he will contact you. You need to give him time to remember how much he liked you and enjoyed being with you not so that he remembers you were the crazy lady who went off on one. Leave him alone and concentrate on something else. He enjoyed spending time with you but now you have appeared a bit loopy and desperate so you need to give time to build back up to where you were when you were cool and laid back and he wanted you. Give him space , really really leave him alone , don't cyber stalk or do anything and he will within a few weeks return. I had a similar situation and 8 weeks later he rang me when in all fairness I had all but forgotten him.
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 The first thing I caught was that it took a few weeks for the 2nd date. I don't get the feeling he was all too serious about this, but you went into it looking for a relationship. He was more casual, have sex and fun, maybe something happens one day and maybe it doesn't. You did lose him with your behavior but I don't consider it a loss. You want something more serious so you need to look for someone with the same goal. Don't get sucked back into the year and a half "relationship". Next time know where your relationship stands BEFORE sex. I know you said you didn't want sex to happen but you need to stick to your guns. When he brings it up (and a guy looking for more than casual sex won't bring it up on the 2nd date) say you want to wait until you are in a relationship before having sex. He will either respect that and try to make a relationship with you or he will leave. It wasn't great that you acted the way you did but I do think it is good he is gone. After sex twice and talking closely for weeks he was still not wanting to commit to you is all I need to know to see he wouldn't want anything serious and would string you along confused for awhile.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (29 October 2012):
 If this guy had any interest in you,he would not let you get away. He is not interested in anything more than you already gave him. You are probably not the first he has done this to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): you did not ruin anything before it began. nothing would have began, cause he just wanted free and easy sex. that is why he was on a dating site you see.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 October 2012):
 My point of view is this. He wasn't REALLY looking for a GF, but for a girl who was willing to have sex with him for a while, but when you pulled the "Klingon Girl" he pulled back because that was more then he had bargained for.
From what I have learned, is that a LOT of guys join dating sites to find casual sex partner, not a life-mate or girlfriend, some guy are even IN a relationship and looking for something on the side. Girls in general join dating sites to find a mate. So there is already a disconnect between the genders right there. It's hard to say if he genuinely was looking for a GF or looking for a roll in the hay.
However, if you ALREADY dealt with a FWB where you were emotionally involved and the guy wasn't, then you ought to have taken a few notes from that. As in.. DO NOT have sex with a guy until you feel like you two are on the same page.
So did you mess this one up? Yes and no. IF the guy really WAS looking for a GF, then you are not it. If he was just looking for sex, well then HE wasn't it.
Go slower next time. TEXING a guy back and forth is NOT the same as really getting to know him. TAKE the time to TALK, spend time face to face, out to dinner, a movie, museum - whatever you two have in common. And no sex. Don't go home with a guy and don't invite him home to yours til the two of you have gotten to a point where putting a label GF/BF on it is doable. Where YOU know YOU want to be with him and YOU know he really wants to be with you.
And I agree with Cindy. 2 weeks is a long time from date #1 to date #2 - that doesn't really show a whole lot of interest in spending time with you and getting to know you.
And honey, word of advice. CHILL on the drama and desperation. YOU will find a guy, but NOT this way.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (29 October 2012):
 Hi
"I met a lovely guy on a dating website"
So 2nd meeting ended at your place,third was at yours too,for sex.Just as well he wasn't some raving weirdo and luckily your here to tell the tale.
Never mind your behaviour, please consider your personal safety in future.
He's gone for good, he wanted fun but you acted like some crazed desperate woman after seeing him 3 times.That took the fun out of the booty sex for him.
He won't be back.So learn from this,look after not just your heart but also your personal safety.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): To me that would be it, in fact he's doing exactly what I'd do in that instant.
You do know the "maybe" means it's pretty much over right?
OP I'm your age and I'm still learning new things about relationships all the time, even though I've been in them and all types thereof for the past 20 years.
I mean I only recently discovered how profound sex effects women. I knew it created a bond, I knew it confuses things and I already knew that great sex can make a woman attached but only recently discovered how profound that actually is.
Now I'm like CindyCares, I understand the value of waiting in order to ensure you build an emotional and intellectual bond and don't get used but I never really put any thought into the complete mental switch that can occur in a woman's brain once she's slept with a guy.
I have a couple of single female friends at the moment who are playing the field and was having a discussion with them when they both told me it was the guys they'd slept with that they were far more attached to, wanted way more and couldn't get enough of over the guys they were still only meeting for dates. I have absolutely no basis for comparison with that, sure when the sex is mindblowing I lust for that woman far more but I get no emotional attachment from sex alone. But they were telling me it doesn't even have to be great sex, just adequate and immediately their brain switches and they become attached. I asked my girlfriend if it was just them and she said it wasn't, that when we started having sex her want started turning into a need and she battled very strong feelings of attachment just to keep her cool. Something you failed in to be honest.
My point is OP, sex early is not just about ensuring you don't get used but also ensuring you don't get too attached too soon, you let yourself get too carried away by having sex and then got carried away with the emotional aftermath.
You've ruined this, and while some may say it's redeemable it's not. I mean come on OP, this is the stage where you're getting to know a person and showing them what you're about and how you'll be in a relationship and you've just given this guy a big ass sign that you're going to be very clingy, needy, desperate and over bearing. For me there would be no more comebacks from that, I would run a mile if I were him, if you're that bad after two dates then what will you be like if we commit?
Yes OP, you were a bit of a twat but take this as a lesson learned and play it cool in future. No damn sex until you've gotten to a more advanced stage and you really need to get rid of the desperation and neediness, this wasn't just a freak out and no OP, it's not a girly thing either, you were beyond a girly thing asking if you were going out after just having your second date.
Learn your lesson and you'll be fine, remember sex doesn't effect us guys the same way, you have to ensure that he's at least nearly that level before you sleep with him or you're going to have this problem time and again. I mean my two single friends are having a torrid time, they have some lovely guys pursing them but it's the two player dicks who got sex with them early that they're attached to and they're pretty much getting used and while they know this their feelings have gotten the better of them and they keep going back for more.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 It could also be like blonde30s says, but my take on this is a bit different,- thanks to Dear Cupid.
In a way, it 's an involution of my thinking. I used not to believe in rules and strategies, and I did not apply them in my life. Like, the sex not before the 4th date rule etc. I had sex with my partners at anything from same night of meeting to 6 months after the first date, according to person,mood and circumstances...
BUT, after reading several thousands of questions like yours, I admit that there must be a dating law , which is : if you want a relationship, FIRST you establish the relationship and then you have sex with them. If you want to be part of a couple, first you make sure you are just that , and then your sex life starts.
All the rest is too hazy, sketchy , vague and fraught with possible misunderstandings- or deception.
Your case, for instance. It may be that you came on too strong. But it might also be that you had high expectations on somethimg that was supposed to be just a fling anyway.
You say the first date went well. Then, the 2nd date happens WEEKS after ? Uhm. Someone who was really impressed , and really curious to get to know you and check if you are relationship material, would never have been so casual and laid back about it. Then, at the second date, you ended up at yours. Whose idea was it ? who asked for that ? He was ? Then, red flag right away. Spells like guy mostly looking for a roll in a hay " f..k now, ...the rest we'll figure it out later,PERHAPS ".
Was it your idea ? Well, that would have required a bit of restraint from him, in front of temptation, and yet, it's quite possible, if he had had a real interest in you... I think HE would have suggested to take things slower.
Then, you talk about a third date... but actually, it was not a real date, it was a sleepover at your place. It sounds like, as soon as he had his fun, the social, get-to -know part is out of the window.
So, I am not sure if it is really like Blonde30s says... sure , it could be that you acted too girlfriendish for hs tastes , since he barely knows you ...it could be that you have jumped the gun, and / or suffocated him with your attentions.... but I find strange that he wants to take it slow relationally...and fast sexually. I think, chances are , he was messing with you right off the bat , your " clinginess " has given him the push, and the official reason, to distance himself, but even without clinginess, I think he would not have lasted much longer...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): Two big mistakes - sleeping with guy you just met and the other behaving like a crazy person that is obsessed. I recommend, taking a step back, dont email, call or sms. Give him the space and if there is a remote chance he wants you back he wil contact you until then let it go and first learn to enjoy friendship and yourself as you have issues before getting involved in a serious relationship. You cannot possibly say anything at this point to change his mind and would make things worst than they are.
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