A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering if I had missed this red flag?On a first date with a guy he mentioned his ex. He went a little into detail saying he had a 16 year old son and that he had to take his ex to court to get access to him. This I believe was some years ago.I was wondering why you'd tell this story on a first date.Was he trying to look like a hero that loves his son.I have no idea why she did this, nor did he say.I sort of ignored it as a rd flag as I was unsure.During the date I discovered he knew a ex of mine from years ago fairly well.On the 2nd date he surprised me saying that he'd spoken to him and told him he had met me. I was taken back as it was only a 2nd date.Was this also a red flag. After our meal we popped into a pub and his son was working there and he introduced me to him. I thought it had all transpired fairly quickly.Did I miss vital red flags as he went on to date me for a further 10wks and had introduced me to people in his circle.He then ends it all by text saying he didn't think it was going to work long term.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (14 May 2016):
1st dates are like job interviews. On an interview when you talk about your last employer always say some thing good even if you last employer was awful. You don't want to put off a potential employer. They'd be worried you'll slag them off too if they hire you and you eventually leave. The same on 1st dates, if you want to talk about exes, say nice things only. Don't mention custody battles etc so soon. Too much info for a 1st date.
On a recent date I went on, my date asked what happened to my last relationship (I dumped my ex but of course was not going to admit that so soon) so I said "he was a wonderful guy but sadly we grew apart, I wish him happiness" if I'd admitted I'd dumped him, my date may have left and not contacted me again. So this guy telling you so soon about his ex etc was not positive.
And about telling his son about you well...my ex had adult kids who knew he was dating. He mentioned to them he was meeting someone he liked (me) and mainly for safety reasons, told them where and when we'd be having our date. I only met them months later. Your date may have been over keen or may have made a common dating mistake.
However if you do feel weirded out by it, that's OK. Go with your gut. If this feels wrong or awkward, its OK to end it. But if you want to see it out, no harm in that either. Just be cautious.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): Well, you got me at the point he sent you a farewell text.
Divorcee's can be fickle and flaky. They drag around baggage and will often bring-up their exes and former marriage. It's normal.
It's all a part of dating. People make quick decisions these days about whether they want to venture into a romance. If you simply don't spark their interest, some people are abrupt about how they end it. Even stupid! He's not ready, that's all.
Better he did it before you started attaching your feelings, wouldn't you say?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 May 2016):
 What a 'Hero' at his age, texting a break-up… Good riddance indeed! This guy had enough red flags you could have closed a beach for swimming.
You picked up on his flapping flags quite well, good for you. The purpose of early introductions to family and friends is more to do with meeting his panel of judges. Hey what do you think of her? Obviously he can’t think for himself, needs approval etc.?
You’re intuitive and smart, now is the time to go swimming again.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 May 2016):
 Did anything else happen in the ten weeks that followed? Did you sense the break-up? Women are normally pretty intuitive so I'm sure you must have guessed something from his behavior.
The two incidents that you mention don't really seem like anything that would cause concern but something was certainly not right somewhere in the relationship.
All in all, good riddance to someone this spineless. Breaking up via a text that too at his age is so not cool.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 May 2016):
 I would not say it was a red flag. He has a grown up son, guess he was just talking about his past and well sure you are both mature adults so he probably thought this type of conversation was okay. It sounds like he was being himself. Taking you to the pub to see his son and introducing you to friends is all okay. It was very unfair to dump you by a text, he could have at least had the courage to tell you to your face.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (13 May 2016):
From what you write, I agree with Ivy: I can't see any glaring red flags that you missed.
When you're planning on dating someone exclusively, at some point they will need to mention the fact that they have kids or an unreasonable ex partner (or both). Although not everyone would bring it up on the first date, there's no reason not to... it needs to be said sooner rather than later.
But we weren't there when you had this conversation so you're in a better to judge than us whether there was something "odd" about it.
Did it sound to you that he was trying to "big himself up"? Did you get the impression at other times while you were seeing him that he needs to "paint himself as a hero"? Did he brag in the same way with other people?
When he initally brought up the subject of his ex and the custody battle - did it dominate most of the conversation on the first date (or was it just a brief discussion)?
Did he bring it up again on later dates (or was that the end of the matter)?
Was he full of hatred and vitriol towards his ex (or was he he calm and pragmatic about the past)?
If you answer "yes" to any of those questions, then it was a red flag because he's still giving his ex way too much head-space meaning that he hasn't moved on properly yet.
As for him telling an ex of yours that he's met you...... again, you're in a much better position to judge. If they know each other fairly well and would see or speak to each other relatively often, I don't see what would be wrong with him mentioning that he knows you - unless you got the strong vibe that he'd deliberately gone out to brag or gloat to this ex or to tell him "hands-off" - THAT would be a red flag.
I can understand your bemusement though, because it's so confusing when a guy appears ultra keen and then backtracks rapidly - and dumping you by text was quite rude - but I can't really see any major red flags that you missed based on the information you posted.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 May 2016):
 At that age, people have ex baggage and is usually something in common to talk about on a date. Not an interesting choice of topic but not a red flag either IMHO. Having an adult son, my guess he knew that his dad was going on a date and his dad was eager to swing past to give him a bit of a looks to see what he thought of you. Had he of introduced you as his gf on a second date, to me, that would be a red flag. Just wasn't meant to be I suppose. Bit of a wussy dag doing it by txt though
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