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female
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anonymous
writes: I think I screwed up big time. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months now. I said the big 3 words, "I love you". I regretted it as soon as I said it. His response was "I really like you a lot". He held me why I cried myself to sleep. He told me that he just doesn't want to throw love out there right now. Now, I feel so awkward around him. I am scared that this is going to ruin the great relationship we had going. What do you think? Do you think I am making too much out of it? Should I just act like it didn't happen? Help me? I am hurting so much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, purrfectionist84 +, writes (28 December 2005):
 Hey girl,
First off, I want to say that you did a very brave thing by expressing your feelings. I love my boyfriend, but I am so afraid of rejection that I've resorted to expressing my emotions in other ways, e.g., "I have strong feelings for you" or "I love spending time with you," as opposed to "I love you." I just can't find the courage to say it unless he says it first. So, I think that what you did by expressing your feelings in the clearest way possible was a very courageous thing, and I'm proud of you. :)
When my boyfriend and I were dating for about a month and a half, he asked me if I loved him. I said, "What?! We've only been together a month and a half!" He got quiet and said that it was probably a good thing that I didn't feel it so soon. I got the impression that he DID feel it, and I felt bad because I could not reciprocate. Since then, I have developed very strong feelings for him, enough to say that I do love him. It just took me some time because I had been deeply in love with my previous boyfriend, and my current boyfriend and I started dating fairly soon after my previous relationship broke up. I wanted to make sure that I was totally in love with my current boyfriend, and totally over my last boyfriend, before saying any "I love you's." Over the past 10 months, my boyfriend has brought up the love thing about four times, in various ways. He will say things like, "People's feelings naturally get stronger the longer that they're in a relationship. So, how do you feel about me now that we've been dating ___ months?" or "When am I going to hear that special three-word phrase?" My gut is telling me that he loves me too, but that he's equally afraid of rejection, especially after the incident that we had a month and a half into our relationship. We could go months...or years...without saying it if one of us doesn't give in and stop being so stubborn. That's why it's so important to lay your feelings out on the table and gauge how the other person feels about you. You did the right thing by expressing your feelings when you were ready to do so.
You shouldn't be concerned that your boyfriend hasn't said "I love you" because you've only been dating 10 months. If you were dating several years or something, then I would be concerned that your relationship was not going anywhere, so to speak. But you still have time. It seems to me that your boyfriend just takes love very seriously and wants to hold off on saying it until there is no question in his mind that he loves you with all of his heart, and this is a good thing. Chances are, you take love seriously too, or else you would not be hurting so much right now. When you are both ready to say it, it will be so special and meaningful for you as a couple because you both take love seriously and would not just throw it out there without feeling it.
You should not feel awkward around him. He accepts the way that you feel, or else he would not have been supportive by holding you after you said it (which isn't an expression of rejection). I don't think that this will "ruin" your relationship. For now, just enjoy the time that you two spend together. If it's meant to be, then he will tell you that he loves you when he's ready, and the two of you will move on from there.
In the meantime, you should not act like it didn't happen because it's affecting you, and you're hurting. It might help to tell him that you accept how he feels and that you're not pressuring him into anything that he's not ready for, but that you would like to talk about what happened. Tell him that you'd like to discuss what love means to him, whether he's been in love in the past, etc., and share your opinions and experiences with him, too. This should give you a clearer idea of whether he's just being careful and trying to make it as meaningful as possible, or whether he has a commitment phobia, a fear of rejection, or something of the sort.
Good luck and best wishes. I understand what you're going through.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): I want to thank you all for your responses. I still just have this crazy feeling in my stomach. I just don't want to have scared him away. I wish I could rewind and take it back. But, I know I can't do that. I guess you all are right. If it does mess up the relationship, it wasn't right to begin with, right? Now I am scared that I took the "mystery" out of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, sheshe445 +, writes (27 December 2005):
 listen your not wrong at all you just have very strong feelings for him and that should be a compliment towards him and don't feel bad because he didn't say i love you because everyone adapts at a different time and hes obviously not ready for it but its ok that you are all i can say is dont pressure him hes ready when hes ready!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (27 December 2005):
 Dear, i dont think you messed up at all. I dont think you should feel bad really or awkward. He is your boyfriend and you are expressing a feeling that is natural and real for you.You have nothing to be ashamed of. i know he hasnt said he loved you back and that must hurt but i am in support that u said it in the first place now it open and clear how u feel.
You indicated in your posting that you are scared this will ruin your relationship. Well my dear if it does then it isnt your fault. it means he isnt taking u and the relationhsip serious and isnt in love with u. When a guy loves a woman or he values the woman,he longs to hear those three letter word and to say it.
My own advise now is that you think of what u want from a relationship. Is this guy fulfilling all your needs? why doesnt he say he loves you too? that should be the bigger question here. 10 months is a long time in a relationship to start expressing feelings.
All the best dear i hope i have been able to help u abit. try to relax and go out with friends to enjoy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2005): There is no need to be hurting, your boyfriend wants to take his time, get to know you and that can take time. There is nothing wrong with you telling him that you Love him, it's alright because that is how you feel, don't be ashamed or feel akward about it. Enjoy your relationship and get to know him. I'm sure that you haven't ruined anything. You should be happy that you are with a guy who doesn't lie to you and is open and honest with you. It's not always easy for men to tell you that they Love you, give him time and don't pressure him into saying that he loves you. Be cool around him, don't worry, I'm sure that things will be fine. Take care.
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