A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been dating again - Guy one: European guyWas perfect until we fell out with each other over a derogatory word.Guy two: US guy 2 wants to fly me into Florida and has bought me a flight - now am battling what to do. Been getting to know guy two - what bothers me - he once cheated a girl in the past - loved a threesome, and well am not into that. He is divorced, twice I have never married. He said he wants to move and live with me and my child, but for now I'm taking it slowly. One of my female friends he added and was thumbing her nice comments to me - If he is so into me then why does he keep to flirt with my female friends... It's my birthday and he has gone to the trouble of buying me a flight. So I am really confused as to what to do - we seem to talk sexually a bit too easily with each other.. Guy one -The first guy made me feel like in a married couple, but I told him I was confused as to who I really wanted.So he backed off, then became rude and now ignores me - we are barely friends - no contact - Guy one has gone back to dating :( I'm scared the US guy just wants me for sex. Yet he wants to live with me and be a nanny to my child, when I am in work..So why is he thumbing my female friend and why did he add her without seeing if I was ok? I'm scared to get messed around again - and worried that I have lost the good guy - guy one, just because I didn't know who I wanted at the timeHow can I tell if this US guy is great too? Also what about sex, because we have known each other for few months now? It's all good though, bar that. He is not from Florida - is flying in there too, to show me Disneyland..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did what you said hun...and well at least am talking to guy 1 again but he is still avoiding me like the plague. Guy 2 well he has been flirting with MY friends...I don't know if he is doing that to simply get their approval...so that my friends come back to me and say yeah he is a cool guy...but I don't know what to make of it. I don't think I am seeing the wood from the trees on this one. I really appreciate your input Abella..so thank you in advance.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 i think working out the character qualities you need in a guy is essential. I am not certain you have really thought about what you want and need in a guy.
Not what he looks like. Not his voice.
Only his character. Is he reliable. Is he respected by colleagues and friends. Does he keep promises. Does he keep long term friends? Is he patient or impatient. Impetuous or does he carefully consider things before he proceeds.
My thoughts on jealousy are that it is the most useless not-required emotion. It wastes time. It is stupid and helps no one. If you can dump jealously from your mind your life will be calmer.
Write a respectful sincere short one page letter to guy one and see if he will relent. And take you back?
Otherwise, yes, start again, with your shopping list of character traits. No one but you can write out that list. No one but you knows what is in your heart, and what you need for the future,
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella - hope I haven't annoyed you - guy 1 apologised but the reason guy 2 exists is because of a lack of communication from guy 1 - I agree I am prob better off getting rid of both and doing your 3 points as outlined - thing us I never cheated guy 1 - we were only dating when things flaired up and suddenly became ugly. I get jealous easily which I am not proud of - both guys have indirectly tried to make me a bit jealous in order for me to want them both but both of them are just as popular with ladies - guy 2 calls me sexy all the time while guy 1 stopped calling so much - the stressful bit is when guy 1 goes AWOL - guy 2 rings and vice versa - I want to clean this mess up with both of them so do you think getting rid of them both is the only way to clear it up?? Thanks again xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 January 2011):
thx for the additional new info on Guy one. Previously you only said Guy one had a derogatory word. And later you said Guy one apologized.
However guy one can now enjoy or see, be with who ever he likes. He is not trying to inflame you by going out with other women. He has a right to. He may still like you so much that he is trying to make you jealous.
My gut reaction is that Guy 1 is best of the two. But if you can't accept that advice then go for a new start where you promise to be faithfull at all times.
My gut reaction is that Guy 2 is not the one.
But what you think is what matters.
However if it were me I think now that I would Ditch both guys and start afresh.
And if you do start afresh keep in mind the need to, for consideration in the future:
1. Know exactly what you need for you and your daughter
2. Never try to juggle more than one man at a time.
3. Never start a new relationship with a man until you have ended all former relationships with any previous man.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Abella - guy 1 has been messing me around not 2. I see what you mean about expensive presents but guy 1 appears to be a coward - he sent me horrible mails stating oh you like bad boys don't you - I said no keep that up and I delete you - he used to treat me like a princess but not now!! I didn't mess him around just took my time - last night he rubs his date in my nose which I found disrespectful so why is he so much better then guy 2??
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 January 2011):
After you have said goodbye to guy two then tell guy one you are sincerely sorry for messing him around. And that you would like to get to know guy one better. If he proposes marriage say yes. If he has not proposed marriage by end of 18 months then move on. But don't return to guy two. Ultimately guy one seems the best bet all round. Hope that helps ?
Thx Abella
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 January 2011):
hi, thx for follow up. I'm not confused about these two
Guy one did apologize for his reaction when he knew he might be losing you-for apologizing=gentleman.
Guy one also treated you like a princess=gentleman
Guy one also backed off when he heard you had transferred your affections. He's dignified. He wants a one man woman= gentleman
Guy one would be familiar with the use of au pair
Versus
Guy two is getting more desperate to buy your affection with expensive presents. = he is trying to impress you with his wallet. I would always be concerned if a man got this desperate. And even if he is a chef, these expensive presents will have to lessen. Then what will you have? An extravagant desperate man. And I would start working out in my mind what is the bonus/reward/goal for him? There is something else that is motivating him and it goes beyond just being with you. I would give guy two the goodbye wave.
Guy two is also playing up. = not a
gentleman - cd you trust him when au pair is there?
I have no doubt that guy one would treat you very well. But only if you sincerely and permanently broke it off with guy two first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not speaking to guy 1 now he is trying to make me jealous via other girls as he is trying to see how I should be with him but that is now making me hurt as I am scared he will just play me if I get properly with him - no 2 prob been making him jealous cos he is coming onto me strong now that guy 1 backed off - hope that makes sense... Now thinking no 2 is better :( it's confusing :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella - yes she is nearly walking :) and yes guy 1 apologised for his reaction - still feel confused - tonight guy 2 said he wanted to buy me a laptop for my birthday as he prob saw I have withdrawn somewhat and he knows am back talking with guy 1 and yes for now there is an au pair here so it has been good that way! Now it's a case of which guy should I go for again? I know it's my choice ultimately but they are about neck and neck! Thanks anyway and well nice to know you!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 December 2010):
thank you for the additional information. That additional information was very helpful.
Has guy one apologised for his reaction?
I am happy for you that you are still talking to guy one.
I am sure your baby is at a wonderful age, (eight months). Baby will be walking soon. Lucky you to have had such good support, with the au pair, it sounds a great idea to assist you.
A chef's job in Europe can pay well at the top and can be extremely demanding with long hours.
Babies are just as demanding, so hopefully another au pair can be employed later. That way the baby can be taken out for little outings, have lots of play time, sleep time and still get bathed,
fed and burped. And the au pair can attend to duties at home while you are working.
You sound a very capable lady, and so I feel confident you will work everything out. Take care and enjoy Disneyland.
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - I currently have a female au pair to mind my child while at work. Her contract expires in 2 months time and so am stuck for a childminder that is why he offered. Baby is 8 months at the mo, guy 2 is a chef and wants to move to Europe where I am not me move to USA. He has looked after his brothers baby who is around the same age - doesn't have kids of his own - 1st wife he didnt want with her and the 2nd she couldn't have them... He says he wants to commit to me - give up his job in PA and move to here just to be with me. I am on talking terms with guy 1 and he knows about Florida trip that guy 2 has offered.. Baby won't come with me - will just be me so why do you ladies think US guy is such bad news?? Thank you for your advice xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 December 2010):
Guy one:
seemed to have more going for him in every way than guy two. His values and attitudes are gentlemanly/European. If you hadn't hesitated he possibly had plans to give you a good life. And would have treated you like a princess as long as he liked you, and as long as you behaved according to his standard of 'ladylike'. But his pride was
hurt and he felt offended when you rejected him. He did not behave well when he found you had not chosen him
His nasty reaction at losing you counts
against him.
I don't think you know enough about this man yet. His reaction might have been an expression of his extreme hurt. But it might be how he often is, when things don't go his way. Remember your child has to be considered in all this. Your child deserves a safe, secure, calm supportive environment, not a volatile one.
You are in your late 20s, and I suspect you may be a very attractive lady. Your home country is not USA and you are not averse to moving long distances for love. You have never been married and you have a child. Believe me you will have no problems finding a lovely man where ever you look. You can afford to be discerning. And some patience will reward you with a good man. There is no rush, take your time to consider carefully what is really on offer:
But now to your current option two:
Guy two:
I have serious concerns about this guy on several fronts. Cheating is potentially the least of your worries with this man.
Sometimes the wish to be in love, and be loved, blinds a woman to other issues. Some things you mentioned set up these concerns.
He wants to fly you into Florida and go to Disneyland, and then what? Where will you stay? He doesn't live in Florida.
Which visa? Especially if your aim may be to settle in USA. Make sure you get advice from USA consulate, not the guy.
You may be required to show a return ticket. If you don't have one you have a problem. Is he getting you a return or a one way ticket? You will also be required to show you have sufficent money for your time in USA, even for a short holiday. It's not free if you get sick in USA, even if you are only visiting. you need to consider and organise such travel/health insurance to cover you while in USA.
Guy two has cheating history. He is not demonstrating commitment to you by already flirting. Very disrespectful behavior. And that is blatant in front of you. What else would he do when your back is turned? I feel you know less about this man than Guy one.
Guy two talks a little too easily about sex - that tells you what is on his mind. I think you have other issues to consider and although you say you are taking it slowly it seems fast paced to me, just taking all aspects into account.
Guy two is talking about you working in USA. Once again get the right visa for what you are aiming for. I realise USA is leaking like a sieve re illegal immigrants but if you intend to work sort all these things out first with USA consulate. Working doing what, earning what? Enough to support you and your child if the relationship fails?
Presumably he lives somewhere. Is that somewhere where you want to live? Is his home suitable? If it's a one bedroom appartment it will not be suitable,
And he's flying you in to see Disneyland. Will that include your child? Because Disneyland is a child's paradise. I am sure your child will start to perceive him very favorably after that treat. He will certainly be building trust with your child.
But Guy Two does not make YOU feel as special as Guy one did.
i would never (and not a man I'd known only a few months) allow any male to babysit a child of mine alone in a home unless that man was the biological father of the child.
I would be unmoved if 1000 people turned up on my doorstop to prove me wrong about male baby sitters.
Because if i dropped my standards and allowed a charming personable man in to baby sit - and he harmed just one hair on my child's head I would never forgive myself.
People can quote stats and show me exceptions, but i'm not budging
Their standards are theirs.
My standards choose to say 'no way' on this issue regarding male baby sitter/s to be alone in my home minding my child.
All empirical studies will not budge me on this. It only takes one man to harm a child, if that is his aim
What sort of work does guy two do?
Why would he be home alone and not out working? His eagerness to baby sit your child alone at home is not the 'norm' for most men
Most men would expect you would use child care.
Even if he has been married twice before does he have children of his own? Has he nanny'd a child before?
Child care can encourage social development and interacting with other children.
How young is your child now?.
Look at it from your child's point of view. How is your child going to feel - being left alone for long periods with a strange man. While you are absent working.
You don't mention your child's biological father. If your child's father is on the birth certificate do you need his permission travel outside your own country.
Some men even target mothers with children. Especially young children They have a relationship of sorts with the mother. But their real Targets are the children of the mother. They engineer situations so they can 'groom' the child for future attention by the man. They buy treats for the child. They know strategies to make themselves likeable to the child
There are too many unanswerd questions to explore with guy number two. He wouldn't be my choice.
Perhaps it is time you sat down and examined what you want and need in a partner. And what is best for you and your child?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 December 2010):
 DO NOT, repeat, do not, get involved with the second man!
That he wants to move in and live with you when he and you really don't know one another (have you actually met, and if so how often?) is a bad sign. As is his flirting with your female friend. You really don't know what you'd be getting into. You'd be well advised to drop him, and NOT get on that plane!
As for the first man, well, sounds as if its too late to rekindle that relationship (assuming you might want to).
No, forget them both and get on with your life. Not to mention being more careful with the next man you choose to meet and date!
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