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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questions the situations that happened over the course of the 3 years I was with him.I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me try controlling him and wanting more attention. Please read each of the points. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before.He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc.here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture:1. When first beginning dating him, (3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him.That spot was for friends i guess(BUT it made me think of that saying--friends before ho*s)..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority.after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive).He was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front or i didn't belong there).My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front.Even when we were going out and he decided he didn't feel like driving and his friend took his car and drove---it almost made me feel like it was done on purpose, because obviously my b/f is gonna sit up front with his friend and i would be the back. at that point, that was probably me being really insecure but that was how it made me feel due to the past.Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy,I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother.Apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family.There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me. I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something...4. I wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't think every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often..and i didn't ask him to do it after 6 months or even a year..im pretty sure it was after a year of dating or more i wanted him to say it more often like every night.5. He hardly ever complimented me6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well...i liked it, it made me feel like i was safe but that indifference quality i guess could be a problem for some.7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me...and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? i felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me.9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc.I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way.i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently.But here are some examples of things that have happened and i am still wondering if i had a right to feel somewhat insecure and maybe all of this wasn't just my fault?I have been without him for a few months and sometimes i just really miss him and feel sad especially when its not easy to find someone else I would like to date
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confidence, I love you, insecure, jealous, my ex, sister in law, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 Of course you had a right to be insecure. I wanted to show you that part of your insecurity was a reaction to his insecurity.
I have to ask. Does he have an ethnic back ground. I know in some cultures, men sit in the front seat and it's normal for their partners to sit in the back.
With what he said to his mom is degrading and uncalled for. Even if you did say it to him, it would be inappropriate to say to the mom, and even more so that he's making it up.
These are signs of control issues as well. Definitely what you don't need. I don't believe in relationships that are based on one person controlling and belittling the other person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy question was more about his behavior and if i had a right to feel insecure with the things he did
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 January 2009):
You're definitely insecure. But you're not the only one who was. Women, quite often, and not saying men don't from time to time, show their insecurity through their feelings, and actions, Men, on the other hand show their insecurity by withdrawing, (i don't want to hear about it) attitude. Both are insecurities, shown in different ways, but all are destructive when looking at how they destroy relationships.
Before finding that new boyfriend, think about what you want out of a relationship. How do you wish to be treated? Set your boundaries. Decide what you're looking for in a partner, and definitely what you do not want. Don't settle just because you want someone there. If you do, there will be many more times seeking answers to why it didn't work out, or why you're not finding the happiness you'd hoped for.
Take care.
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