A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like to get your take on this. I want to apologize but not sure if it’s even worth it.I’ve been dating a guy for about a month ½. Total gentleman, pays all the time, opens doors, can speak for himself and hold a conversation, helps when needed, and so on. I made it clear early on that I wasn’t ready to go too far till I was in a committed relationship. We have made out, 2nd base I guess you could call it and no more. He somehow got me to agree to let him spend the night recently; I brought up my standards again. He slept over and we did nothing but sleep. Two days later I get a text message with him saying he doesn’t know if he can give me what I need, he knows I want to wait to have sex till I’m in a long term relationship, but that wasn’t the expectation when we started dating, and he doesn’t want to hurt a sweet girl. WOW I was shocked when did I need to tell someone when I first meet them that I’m not going to sleep with them? Respecting a woman starts from hello.Well needless to say it didn’t end well; I ended up showing up at his place to talk about it, unannounced ( I tried calling before I went by, but he wouldn’t answer). He swore up and down it was a misunderstanding, he was drinking and with the boys, and shouldn’t have talked about it over text message and phone. I started to wonder if he was lying and it didn’t set right with me. How can you come over sleep in my bed two nights before and then send me a message like that? I assumed he was mad because I didn’t want to put out. From there it escalated to a nasty gram I sent him after a few friends told me that he does this on a regular basis and he has been on the hunt for sex before. I haven’t talked to him since and he has blocked me from communication. I started to feel bad, my actions of showing up at his place and the nasty gram where uncalled for, I could have went about it better. But part of me thinks he deserved it. Should I apologize for my actions or just let it be? I also don’t want to be labeled the, “crazy bitch”.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 September 2009):
 Let's think about this. You say the guy was a perfect gentleman and did everything perfectly until he decide he wanted sex. Is this a mystery? You're in the 30-35 age group and you're using terms like "getting to second base." I'm not saying you're wrong for declining sex but you're being a little unrealistic if you think it won't become an issue. What would you consider to be an appropriate amount of time to pass before third base or home plate? Again, there is no right answer here, just the reality of the situation. If he is doing all the appropriate things and after a month and a half wants to get to the next base, that is not difficult to understand. He is attracted to you and desires you. That is a good thing and doesn't mean he's only looking for sex. It sounds like he did put his best foot forward. What I'm trying to say is that you don't "owe" him sex at all but it should come as no surprise that you can only keep him dangling on a string for so long before he gets frustrated. Women have their needs and so do men. It sounds like he was fulfinng all yours until he wanted sex. Would you feel cheated if while he was dating you he chose to get his sexual fulfillment elsewhere? Once again, you have your standards and he has his. Is there something in particular yo're waiting for before you're willing to have sex with him? One other thing, how often did you see him over this month and a half? That is important.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): ...oh in addition to my reply to GrimmReality yes respect starts at hello. The man thought it was ok from the get go apparently to have no standards or rules on intamacy and whatever went was cool. When I got to a point of not feeling comfortable I made sure to bring it up before anything went too far and he thought I was a so called tease.I gave him much respect, offered my time, treated him with a meal or two, let him be a man, gave him support. I guess what your saying is respect a man by not leading him on, but once again it's like anything a women does it's leading a man on. I agree with some of the other posters he knew where I stood so why keep pushing the envelope, yes I didn't help the situation. I guess I just have to rule with an iron fist and stick to my standards hard core.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): @ GrimmReality
WOW, who knew making one mistake could catagorize me as a tease. I do see where you are going, here is my next question so if I tell a man I'm dating I will only go this far because that's how comfortable I am at that point in time am I being a tease? I know I shouldn't have had him spend the night point blank, I should have told him no, go home. I just don't get why women get labled something for one mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Thanks! My guy friends have said the same thing, I need to learn to just cut it off when a guys doesn't meet my standards or respect them. I did learn some great lessons for this.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (4 September 2009):
 Just let it go.Your mistake was letting him sleep over at your house in the first place.Respect for EACH OTHER starts at hello. It is not the sole onus of the man. You need to show some respect as well. Your first paragraph belies the fact that you expect to be treated like a queen. hey how about opening a door for us once in awhile. You know it goes both ways. He would not have talked you into something like spending the night if you didn't want him to. So don't play clueless victim here. You get respect by giving it. Respect is earned, not demanded. so reread your psot and you'll see what I mean.Anyway that aside, just let him go. When you invite someone to sleep over and then in the same breath tell him that there will be no sex,you have to understand that to someone on the outside looking in(like me here) it makes you sound like somewhat of a tease. Then when you went on your rant it didn't help any further.So in light of all of that just let it go, and chalk it up to experience that you only get what you give. When you mix signals like that you are gonna get blowback. Just a simple fact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I don't think you can undo what happened, and you found out that he is just not that into you, he was looking for sex and that was it, so great you did not waste your time or your heart on him.He didn't ask you for an apology, you have no intention of seeing him again I hope, so just let it go and learn from the experience. What he did was a jerk thing to do sending that text, doesn't matter if he was drunk or not, that is just an excuse to keep you from being angry.Just move on...any apology from you will just look like you want to continue the realtionship and will accept bad treatment from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Apologize for what? This guy just wanted sex and tried to makes you feel guilty because you didn't want to.I once met a guy who was also a great gentleman and asked me to be his exclusive GF after our second date. After our 5th date he came to my place and wanted to have sex. I told him it was too early for me and he replied that he was 37 and did not want to "play games". We eventually had sex and it was a really bad experience. The next morning he dumped me saying there was no chemistry between us. Come on if you really like a girl you don't give up because the first time was not so great..A guy who really likes you will wait (maybe not a whole life but for sure one or two months).
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