A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a relationship with a woman that started as a flirtation, then because of me being unavailable at the time, it turned into a close friendship. We talked about it and agreed to "just be friends" because neither of us wanted an affair.Now, a year and a half later, a lot has changed but we talk about everything from our families to sex to our intimate thoughts and her insecurities (I've kept mine inside up to this point). She always contacts me first. I tease her a lot and we joke together. I don't generally open up as much as she does. I'm generally not open with anyone.Recently I've been having a bad time and I've been thinking about her a lot. I opened up about my current unrelated insecurities (job, family) and other problems for the first time. I've always had an attraction to her that comes and goes, but have suppressed it since we talked about "being friends" back when it all started. I haven't really done anything to show my attraction or to be overly nice for about a year. I think to her, I'm just a friend. She is something good in my life, but it hurts that I want more.She's been bringing up the way we used to flirt back when we first started talking and joking about it. I've made a couple of jokes in return, but they didn't reflect the way I really feel. This bothered me.Then about a week ago an old friend from high school contacted me with some notes and things she found that we had sent each other back then. Her memory of our relationship was being "good friends", while mine was of having a huge crush on her for 3 years and pretending to be her friend. I didn't want that again, so while telling my newer friend about my most personal problems and insecurities I told her how important she is to me and that even though I always try to be a good friend to her with her best interests in mind, I sometimes feel attracted to her and I'd been thinking about her a lot lately. I also told her that I'm not going to try to convince her to feel that way about me because I know it doesn't work that way, but that if I'm going to be open about myself, I'm not going to pretend to feel a way that I don't.I will be fine being her friend, but pretending about the other stuff was driving me crazy.She said she needed to collect her thoughts and I haven't heard from her in four days.Did I ruin the closeness? If I did, at least the pain has been gone from keeping all that inside. It's been replaced by the less overwhelming anxiety about not hearing from her.Did I do the right thing? Did I freak her out?Even if she doesn't want to be as close a friend, will she at least respect me?Is what I said creepy? She talks about not liking it when guys are "creepy".
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 July 2010):
 I agree with Big Ron. You did what many of us in similar situations can never bring ourselves to do, tell the person how we feel. I'm guilty of harboring a crush for far too long. I wish I had the courage to take that step. Good on you for doing it.
One of my close female friends has had this happen to her. She said that while she was taken aback at first, ultimately it made them closer. Whether she returns your feelings or not, at least she knows that you'd like there to be something. This will ultimately be a giant load off your chest. You will just have to start thinking about if you can truely have a friendship if that's all she wants.
Good luck, I'm pulling for you. Be very proud of yourself for expressing your true feelings. It is an incredibly difficult step to take.
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