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male
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anonymous
writes: Please Help!!!I am just a regular guy, a nice bloke who doesn't drink or do any drugs but good fun. I thought I was going to be with my fiancee for the rest of my life; however I cheated on her which I swore I would never do, with someone I had known for a number of years. I have wracked my brain with the reason for doing this and all I can bring it down to is the fact that my 5 year relationship is stale. I do love my fiancee, but am not 'in love'. Things with the other girl have progressed as well, down to us knowing that things between us would be great - she's all I want... Question is, am I feeling like this just because of when I cheated on my fiancee? Confused... Can anyone help? I may lose my mind :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2005): Do yourself a favor and do your fiancee a favor and end your relationship with her. As much as I don't like nor respect men like yourself, who cheat on their partners, I’ll be honest with you..it sounds like your relationship with your fiancee has been over for a long time, and that you and she are just co-exsisting together, kind of just sliding along & pretending. You’re being dishonest with your fiancee and most of all, yourself. If you told me you were having a sexual affair with someone you didn’t want to ultimately be with, I’d tell you to end the affair and work on your relationship with your fiancee. But it appears that you have truly created a deeply meaningful relationship with this other person, and that you may be more compatible with her than with your fiancee.
Believe me, your fiancee likely feels your emotional absence, whether you talk about it or not. If she’s not what you want, then you’re not what she wants either. You are doing her a disservice by remaining in the relationship physically while your mind, heart and spirit is elsewhere. This isn’t about you leaving her for someone else. It’s about you leaving for you and for her; giving her the opportunity to move ahead in life without you. The sooner the better because reeing your fiancee to find someone else, who will truly love and accept her just the way she is, is likely the most honorable thing you can do for her, and she may even 'thank you' someday, after she gets over the grieving and the pain. And by doing it now, that's far better than doing this-say...5 more years down the road 'after' you've married her and had a couple kids.
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female
reader, bee +, writes (29 September 2005):
It sounds like a mixture of problems here..
One: You seem too young to settle down perhaps.
Two: You have not yet fully realised that all relationships involve some work to keep them fresh -on both sides
Three: There will always always be temptation around and your head will be turned by other women- this is unlikely to be the fault of your relationship, after all five years is long enough for you to start craving the thrill of new flesh again! You must be mature enough to accept this and manage your relationship so that doesn't happen.
It seems like you want out of being committed to a lifelong relationship right now. The fact that you have let things progress with this opther girl suggests to me that you feel you want to be 'free' to enjoy new things.
I have to say, you owe your fiance a clean break. Do not indulge yourself with keeping both women strung along.. she will be devastated and you will have to feel like the 'bad guy' but it is the right thing to do by her.
As for this other girl - once you are free to be with her full time, I suspect you will cool off somewhat. And by the way, this other girl sounds worryingly OK with the fact that you have a fiance. Are you sure you want to be with her - both of you have acted with disregard for committment...sounds like a train wreck in the making to me... sorry.
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