A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:me and my husband have been together for almost 4 years and married for 2. in the very beginning of our relationship he lied to me about still talking to his ex g/f...we live in pa and she lives in fl. i found out that she was still in the picture through myspace, she messaged me and me and her went back and forth for some time. she came up here and visited twice that i kno of and he saw her one of the times, maybe both i m not sure. it turned into this big fight between me and him n so he promised me he would end it with her and i thought he did...but he didnt really. he would sneak phone calls to her and lie to me. i found out bc i did my research, i found out his cell phone password for his online bill and saw each time they talked and for how long. not to mention she wasnt the only other female i had to worry about. i found out thru his myspace that he messaged many many many girls trying to hang out with them and saying inappropriate things to them. one time when we were only about 3 months into our relationship, i wne t on a 2 week vavtion with my best firend and he took his sister's frfiend to the movies and was trying to sleep with her. he would be messaging these girls on myspace while i was in his house, at times, sitting in his living room wondering y he was soo into his computer. well when i found all this out, i confronted him and cried my heart out. it hurt me sooo much cuz im sooo very deeply in love with him. he made promises and i chose to believe him, although i dont think i really did. he ended up proposing to me, he said he loved me and was ready to. i felt and still feel it in my heart that he does love me, really love me but i just dont kno if marriage was the answer. but i didnt want to lose him and i knew i would if i said no...so a few months later we got married...and i didnt hear from his ex or see her number on his bill...but i found out that he texted this girl he tried to talk to on myspace on the nite b4 our wedding...i went crazy n flipped on him n he came up with the excuse that he was tryna hook up his groomsmen (his cousin) with her...i didnt bleieve him but i let it go. since that there hasnt been any bad things that have happened really up until a couple weeks ago ( i'll get to that in a little)...but i feel like my trust for him is sooooo gone, completely. for the past couple years i feel like i cant turn my back on him or hes gunna mess up. i check his phone bill, i check his myspace..i dont like when hes away from me. ive made it so that we r together most of the time all the time. i think its making him miserable. i dont kno wat to do...its gotten to the point where im codependent bc of my trust issues. now its not only that i feel i hafta have him near me bc i hafta watch my back, its turned into i need him to live and cant do things without him cuz im sooo used to beig with him. he wants his space n he tells me this but i dunno how to give it to him. we fought last week bc he said he needed his space n i tried to kill mysself.....all i do is worry and cry and i dont kno who i am anymore. i dont want to lose him but i dont kno how to turst him. when i tried to kill myslef i was sent to a mental hospital for 3 days n he came n visited me all the 3 days but then i found out that he went to a club with his friend on one of the nites...he denies it and denies it to the point that i cant bring it up cuz we'll fight really bad..but i kno he went out and he just doesnt want me to kno cuz he knows i'll be mad about it...how could he go out while i was stuck in a mental hospital????? how can he look me in my face n deny it even when i kno its true?!?! since we got married i told him i dont feel that he should go to clubs anymore without me, clubs are for drunk ppl to get with eachother n married ppl dont really belong in them without their partner...n thats an issue to, he feels he should be able to go to the club if he wants to, not all the time, but every sooo often, but since i dont trust him, i tell him he cant go.......he has made some changes for me and he doesnt talk to other girls or his x, but i feel scared that if im not around he might........ also he has a porn addiction...he lies about it too n its also making me suffer...there's just sooo much....but i feel like when our relationship is good, its really good...and when we fight its bad.....i just want to hear some advice or anything that can help me get thru wat im goin thru...im depressed i think....and i dnt kno wats gunna happen with our future. let me just say that i've always been committed to him from day 1 n never lied cheated or tried to cheat on him. do u think he has changed or is it just cuz im around him all the time that he hasnt cheated? am i ruining our reltionship even more by not trusting him, does he deserve trust??? will i ever be able to let this stuff go? did he doom our relationship from the beginning??? i dont kno..................sorry if its confusing, theres soo much to write...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 September 2009):
Yes, you're depressed. So please seek counselling immediately. You sound like a very insecure young lady. He didn't help at all by lying to you at first, but I think you need help to get over this jealousy. Married people are allowed to have time to themselves with friends. He does deserve trust, but until you can let go of the past, you're going ot be hurt. See a counsellor. Talk about yourself, why you feel this way. Is there something further back in your past that's hurting you? Nobody here can help you in the same way that a counsellor can, so please find help. All the best.
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