A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am currently "involved" with a soldier. He has been a really good friend for years which somehow evolved into an intimate relationship. We never intended for things to get this far, mainly because he is my ex-boyfriends best friend. (Well, not anymore because the friend knows about us). We never wanted to hurt anyone, and he never wanted to lose his friend, but they still may possibly repair their friendship. My problem is, that I care about this guy so much. I have for many years. He is currently deployed to Iraq and has been for the past 8 months. During that time we have had constant emails, phone calls and letters to keep in touch. I have tried to be there for him in every way and all we talk about is how much we miss and can't wait to see each other. Even though we are not "exclusive" I have waited on him because he is all I want and think about. But now I am feeling very foolish because he has told me that he doesn't want a relationship. He says that he is not good at responsibility and that he knows he will be deployed again, leaving me here by myself. I have told him I will wait on him and that none of that matters to me, but I just can't get him to commit. Now I am afraid that all this has been to him is for the sex and someone to hold on to while he has been away. He has told me he never wants to lose me and is even prepared to lose his best friend forever over it. He has told me he gets jealous and hates the thought of me with someone else, but he would learn to except it if I ever moved on. I am so confused. Is this something that can change with time, maybe after being back from Iraq? Or should I completely forget about him before he breaks the rest of my heart? He will be home in a month for a two week leave. I want to confront him again, but I feel like if I do, I will have pushed him into being afraid of seeing me. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be takin for granted either. Thanks so much for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): I do not think it was all about the sex. I think he is being as honest with you as he can. Right now his mind is on where he is and what he is doing. He cares for you and probably even loves you.
His life is there in the military. He cares about you, loves you and hates the thought of you being with another. He does not want a relationship.
He has been completely honest with you. You are confusing it by adding all the emotion into it. I am sorry you are hurting, but men tend to be really honest and when they say "i care but I cant have a relationship" they mean it.
time may change it, but it has to be him who changes it. He has told you what he wants, you just have to find a way to accept it. As much as it hurts he has told you what he wants and for you to have any chance with him you have to let him go and hope that one day he will come back. If you confront him again, you may well chase him away for good.
good luck
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