A
female
age
51-59,
*illowtree
writes:Hello! I am a female, 39 years old. My husband and i have been together over 23 years. We started dating at 16, and married at 25. I never cheated on him, and I believe he never cheated on me. We grew up together, experienced all,and we were so happy. Our circle was unbreakable, our love...invincible. Three years ago,I had major back surgery. Unfortunately, I became addicted to my pain meds. So for about a year I hid this addiction from him.I bought pills when I ran out and let all the bills get behind and etc. I never did any drugs(I still dont),other than my pain meds. So, after a year, and unable to keep my head above the water, I confessed to him. He took the news much, much worse than I thought he would. I broke his heart. My husband confided in a female companion almost half his age. He is 40, she was 19 or 20. He said that she could understand what he was going through, because she was going through the same thing with her boyfriend. Everything I told to him, he told her. I met her and talked to her on 3 different occasions.What I find strange is that 2 of the times when the 3 of us were together, my husband was pretty wacked out from klodipin-a medicine for anxiety he had prescribed to him. Well, he doesnt drink alcohol at all, and is very much against drugs.So of course I think he let himself get that way because he couldnt stand to bear the 3 of us together. Well I can go on and on. My husband, never in our years together, has ever given me any reason for cheating. He worshipped the ground I walked on. He didnt even look at other women when I was with him because he said that it was disrespectful and that he wouldnt want it done to him. He was more like the woman in the relationship! He spent a good bit of time with this girl during that year. He said that he was grateful that she was put in his life. She could understand him,and not judge him or I, like his other friends would.Well, I asked him if he was having relations with her. I didnt believe him when he told me no. People say you should listen to your gut. Well I wanted to vomit. I was afraid that I would hear something that I didnt want to hear. I asked a few times more after that,and his answers had frustration behind it.He said Jesus ****** just because you have a female friend, it doesnt mean you have to be sleeping with her. Anyway, most people that I talk to say that it sounds like he was cheating on me. But their partner would...my husband if different he really is. Shes been out of his life for about a year and a half. She moved out of state. I want to contact her and ask her myself. I dont want to harm her or anyone. I dont know if I was, or am, being lied to. Can anyone please give me advice on what to do? I cant get over it.Oh I just wanted to add, my husband says he had a nervous breakdown back at that time. It is true that he wasnt himself, and he lost 30 pounds. Was it because he was so upset about me (like he says)or because he was having an affair? Please, can someone give me some advice? Thank you for listening!
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affair, cheated on me, drugs, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willowtree +, writes (23 July 2011):
willowtree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone and thank you for your prompt responces. No, my husband and I never went to any kind of counceling; it was never even mentioned. We have fixed things financially, but of course not emotionally. I write letters to him that I never give him...you know to get my feelings out. I probably wont try to contact the girl. I'm sure it will infuriate and embarrass him. It is like there is a big elephant standing in the middle of the living room, and the two of us act like we dont see it. We dont have any health insurance which prevents me from going to see the Dr. I have been depressed for 2 years now. I want to be happy again, like I use to be.I keep praying for God to show me the way. My girlfriend asked me what would I do if he said that he did have sexual relations with this girl? I couldnt answer. Well thank you everyone for your input. I will KIT!!
A
female
reader, theresag  +, writes (23 July 2011):
He had an inappropriate relationship with a much younger woman.I cant imagine that they had a lot in common.He must have felt justified.She should also have known that you were being hurt by her involvemnt with your husband.You need to ask her about the nature of the relationship so you can move on together.Your husband should not hold it against you for becoming addicted to painkillers as this is easy to do.Pain is very deblitating and affects your sleep paterns and moods.Maybe your husband was not paying attention as he should have.All the best.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (23 July 2011):
 You know he had an EMOTIONAL affair with her, but what you are wanting to know is if he had a PHYSICAL relationship with her too?
You feel betrayed but from what you shared, he feels justified that he had this intimate "friendship" with her.
He was upset with you because you were addicted to pain meds. You confessed to your husband everything, did you work to fix things financially too?
Did the two of you go into any kind of couseling regarding your feelings?
Do you think he would be willing to get an STD screening?
Even if this was just a friendship, it was an innappropriate friendship. You screwed up too, but you did not betray him with another person.
Time for both of you to get back on track towards eachother and a professional marriage therapist can help guide your conversations.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): If you dont find out then it will still trouble you until you seem to be getting way too anxious. When you contact her, dont accuse: just ask her what transpired.Normally it will be a bad idea but maybe you need this for closure.
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