A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am confused about a guy I've been seeing for a few months. Our relationship is very casual, more like friends with benefits than dating, as it's based mostly on sex. I like him more than I can admit to him, because he is very distant and often flaky about getting together. We actually began dating over a year ago and have been on and off since then due to his flaky behavior and his aversion to commitment. This time, I resigned myself to lowering my expectations of him because I really like him. Still, every few weeks, he does something flaky that makes me want to tell him to get lost.Lately I think I'm noticing a change in him. We are getting together more frequently. Tonight, he braved a snow storm to see me when I fully expected him to cancel. He even seemed more affectionate than usual, but there is one particular thing that has me reeling.He was making a joke about something and actually referred to me as his girlfriend (in the context of the joke). I pretended not to notice and he didn't make any further mention of it. I can't figure out if he said that by accident or if he really thinks of me that way.Does anyone have any advice on what to do with this guy? How can I get someone so closed off to talk about their feelings?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Hey babe,You can't change him. He wants a casual relationship that goes on and on. He is not ready for commitment or you would have evidence of that by now. Why are you letting him set the standard for the relationship? You're sitting on pins and needles waiting for him to promote your status, and you've been waiting for how long? What is your cutoff point? When you reach your limit and say 'enough is enough, i want more'? If you're not exclusive - which you're not or you would have titlesfor each other by now - why aren't you dating other people at the same time? Broaden your horizons. Maybe you'll find some great guy with just as many good qualities, without the flaky ones, who will respect you and be capable of giving you the things that you want in a committed relationship. You guys are not in the same page in terms of commitment level - it doesn't make either of you bad - you're not needy, he's not an asshole, you just have different goals/expectations of the relationship. I vote that you gussy up some confidence and start casually dating some other people. (doesn't necessarily mean casual sex, btw, if you're not into that - just having fun with other people to survey and see what else is out there.) Maybe he'll come around, and if he does you can stop dating other men. But if he doesn't, you're already putting yourself out there to be snatched up by someone who's on the same page, or at least in the same chapter as you. Take the wheel. You don't have to let him drive the bus.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 He referred to you as a gf while telling a joke, what else should he have called you? Piece of tail? Easy fuck?
It is not unknown for romance to develop from FWB but it is FAR more common for the woman to develop feelings and read to much into a fuck arrangement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I am the person who posted this question. I know him and his friends well, and he does not have a girlfriend. Give me some credit, I'm not an idiot. Thanks for your "help"...
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A
female
reader, CraziiBeautiful  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Hun it sounds like hes having his cake and eating it! When he gets what he wants thisway why would he put in the effort to commit in any way?
When the milks free why would you buy the cow!!
Sounds like you settling for much less than you deserve hun
xoxo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I hate to break it to you, but very rarely will a guy that is not asking you out, who is using you for sex and by your own admission that is what it has been, elevate you to girlfriend status.
The fact that he referred to you as his girlfriend in a joke shows his blatant lack of respect for you.
You how ever have already set the standards that you will accept in this relationship, so he will not like it if you start to set different boundaries by getting a closed off guy to talk to you about his feelings.
He simply doesn't have them for you. Young women especially have the misguided belief that they can get a guy to ease his way into a relationship by giving him sex...They make the mistake of thinking men are like us and that he will become emotionally bonded to us by having sex, that sex will make him fall in love.
It doesn't work that way with men. They want to feel that they are special, that you have enough self esteem and value yourself enough not to give your most intimate gift away without the promise of a relationship. Men value what they have to work to get, allowing a friends with benefits casual relationship is just that and it makes you a woman of Low Value.
You have already screwed the pooch with this guy, but don't entirely blame yourself, he after all is sort of leading you on by seeing you more and making a great effort in a snow storm to see you. But there again that was his motivation to have sex with you and you think it means more.
His actions speak louder than words, you have been seeing him for several months, he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend and he hasn't told you how he feels about you, as in he loves you. Any pressure you put on him now to talk about how he feels will either produce a lie to keep things going until he feels like exiting the whole deal or it will send him backing away like a crab.
I think if you want a true relationship then that is going to be based on how you conduct yourself and on you setting boundaries early in the dating game as to what you will accept and not accept from the man and his actions.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (28 December 2009):
I fell kind of bad for you, Because it sounds like a spit image of me at one point in my life. I have to give him credit, You have no clue what so ever that you're the female on the side.(fact) That would explain his flakly behaviour ... If I read correctly it's been a year or so now, It hasn't dawned on that MAYBE he has a gf? and he sees you when it's convinent for him."guys love females like you," there easy to control and munipulate."wake up honey" ...it's almost 2010 Lol...and you have no clue LOL!He has a gf! I was talking to a girl for a year and a half, She never found out I had a gf. Would I flake? "Of course"... Gf comes first before dessertwould I plan then cancel? "Of course, Something else came up (more important)Player list goes on and on.
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