A
female
age
51-59,
The wife listener
writes:Diary of a desperate wifeThis journal is commencing, right now, 7pm on 21st july 2010-07-21Today, i’m pissed off and feeling sorry for myself yet again. Cant even work out how to change the spacing on this page.Today i should have had my tooth out, but didn’t go, firstly because i’m scarred of the pain and secondly because i don’t want to spend 200 dollars to end up with a tooth missing, like some old hag. And thirdly today i’m just too lazy.You see old hag is what i feel like right now, i’ve not even cleaned up today, which i have to admit is a bit of a new low for me. Im already starting to see that i sound like a silly cow. Whinging about my life and i’m fully aware that no-one wants to listen so why do i expect HIM to. ( HIM and HE being husband of 20 yrs) (former best friend) )I’m coming up to 42 yrs old, (next week actually,) and i just don’t even want to celebrate it, and i don’t think anyone else is bothered either. This i think is so sad, as i used to be a per-son who would be excited about their birthday coming up. And i desperately want to be that happy again.Do all women feel this way? Or is it just me? You see i don’t really know coz ive unfortu-nately started the menopause early, this is due to a cancer story and all that comes with it, but id rather forget about that for now.If you dislike me already, you’d better stop reading coz, i’m about to tell you all things that are getting me down right now, hopefully i’ll find some humour in it and come up with some solutions. So don’t be too put off.I’ve been crying my eyes out like a little girl today, i’m feeling a million miles away from home, might as well be, moved out here to Australia from the uk 3 yrs ago. Missing my mum and sister today, they’would always listen to my problems and understand. That what mum’s and sisters are great for isn’t it. Emotional support?. I do have it, i have it in my kids, but of course telling them just isn’t fair, one because it drags them down and makes them worry, and two, because it gives HIM another horrible thing to hurt me with when he throws in my face that i’m a bad mother.I’m sat in the big room and HE’s in the other, watching tele. Just put himself on the kids coz he’s not drinking tonight (which he struggles with) and of course, he’s ignoring me, because ive been pecking his head for the last few days.Well the kids have gone to bed, not sure if its because they don’t want to appear to be siding with him or because they cant be arsed with him for being an arsehole with me.I’ll tell you what happened on this occasion but our fights have been going on for ten yrs, which is all my fault as well by the way. But how long do i have to carry it on my shoulders for?Anyway, the other day i got into a confrontation at work, i’m sure it wasn’t my fault but of course, i reckon HE likes to think so.I came home and told him all about it, and he gave me advice. Yes advice! Not support or comfort, but advice. Then told me to forget about it and get on with things. On with what? all i do at home is clean up and shit. At least it could have given us something new to talk about.I should have been happy as my nephew and girlfriend were visiting us and it was there last night before going off to Bali, we should have been having a nice dinner together or some-thing, right?Well i decided to right the incident at work down, so that i could explain myself to my man-ager. Which also has to be right, as i’m a nurse and of course confrontation between staff could come and bite you in the bum. So to me it was serious. I asked for he’s help to conduct my report but he clearly didn’t want to know, he was stood in the same room, drinking he’s beers as usual, it wasn’t as though i was asking him to give anything up for me, was it?Instead my nephew helped me and was brilliant actually, which was great. However, this left a bitter taste in my mouth against HIM who wouldn’t help me. Of course, i’m my own worst enemy, coz instead of allowing him to get away with it, i had to be cocky with him.So the next day, Our daughter asked if we could watch a film together on tv and he started joking with her about it sounding rubbish, i went over and said well don’t watch it if you don’t want to, he got angry straight away and we,ve been scrapping since.Our screaming match got so bad that i actually lost my breath and had to find a bag to breath into, i’m a bad smoker you see and lose my breath quite easy really. This is another thing i have to work on.Anyway, back to the story, He stood by and didn’t even look at me, my poor daughter was trying to comfort me and getting scarred. I went to bed shortly after i recovered, but still managed a few attempts at making him feel bad in the hope that he would see he had been cruel to me. We’ll of course, it wasn’t worth it coz it just made him hate me more, he said he wanted to break up and would sort it out tomorrow. I knew this was bullshit coz he never sorts anything out. After that i heard him talking to our daughter, she was telling him that he should have supported me through my panic attack and he was telling her that i’m in conflict with everyone, he even started naming people so she could see just what a pathetic person she has for a mother. When she wouldn’t allow him to change the subject, he got angry and told her to go to bed.The next day i’d been dreading coz i had to go to work and was taking on a senior role for the day, this all went to pot which was nothing to do with me, but i was quite glad as i probably couldn’t have handled it very well that day anyway. When i came home, he didn’t ask me about it and continued to only speak to me when i spoke to him, which i’m sure got me agitated again and i probably went mad at him again coz i remember him saying that he thought i was faking my panic attack. I was so over him by now that i felt quite relieved that i didn’t want to sort it out anymore. I had quite a pleas-ant evening actually, just got on with looking after the kids, cooked chicken and attempted to sort my tax out. It kept my mind occupied but i hadn’t forgotten it.The next day i was off and my son came home from work early feeling ill, i’m not sure but it seems that our kids get really run down when we fight, it was also our daughter’s first day at her new school so it was really unfair. I’m not saying i couldn’t do anything different, i know that i’m going to have to learn to do so, that’s why i’m writing this.My son was great and spoke to me about the atmosphere in the house, he said he felt sorry for our daughter and even for me, he said he understands why i get agitated and that was music to my ears. Not because i want him to dislike he’s dad but because i need to know that i’m not a crazy bitch who makes everyone’s life a misery. ( Which is what HE tells me)Anyway, i got a text message from HIM, he even admitted he was an arsehole. Believe me this is as rare as square eggs for the last ten yrs. But instead of forgiving him straight away and forgetting about the whole thing i needed to see some remorse. So when he came home flowerless and without any kind words or even a nice smile for me, i handed him a gynormous phone bill to sort out. Which i knew would be a pain in the arse to deal with, but hey, i have to deal with all this shit all the time and don’t get any recognition for it. Anyway he’s adamant that dealing with all the financial crap and sorting out of schools, uniforms and everything else that i deal with is no big deal and he can do it easy without getting bothered. As much as i would love a husband that could take care of us in that way, I couldn’t even contemplate handing all the responsibilities to him, we’d just sink as we did before, when we were in the uk and none of us dealt with it. Nahh can’t risk it, I’m much too responsible for that one now. Not saying that I’m dead responsible with money coz I’m not, even with one of us making sure the bills get paid we’ve still managed to get in loads of debt, not even sure if we might be sinking right now really. Can’t afford to get tangled up in worrying about that one, stress causes cancer you know. Anyway he was one the phone trying to sort this bill out for 2 hours, now he’d asked me questions while on the phone and I’d replied, I nipped out for half an hour to get a book for our daughter and when i returned was telling him not to accept the bill, which of course he had done, coz he knows nothing about what I’d agreed to, even though I’d explained it to him. When he finally got he’s freedom back, he started swearing at me for bothering him when he was trying to listen to the woman on the other end of the phone.That apology didn’t last long did it? Don’t really think it was genuine then do you?So it’s been three days ongoing now and I’m so pissed off i haven’t even got dressed today, there’s no food in coz I’ve been working all weekend and I’ve even had the dogs sleeping on the bed with me coz he’s gone in another room.I really want to have a friend again, someone who makes me laugh and feel good about my-self again. There was no-one better than him once, everybody was envious of our marriage. He wasn’t perfect and i wasn’t either, the bills didn’t get paid and we were irresponsible for that i know. But don’t let the friendship go out of your relationship, if you lose that you might as well be alone.
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 August 2010):
Hello there. Menopause is probably not helping your general mood. It is a bit like constant "Pre menstrual tension" sometimes. Mood swings then depression, lack of energy and lack of drive.
You say you have children so it's not just you and your husband.
Also, keep in touch with your mother and sisters. With the telecom companies these days, you can get some pretty good packages for overseas calls, that will allow you to call your family at very reasonable rates. Enquire into it - it's worth the effort.
Although you are going through menopause, that's probably not the only thing that's making you unhappy. Although it wouldn't help. It only exacerbates it.
As you say you have been through suffering cancer a while back and now this, it's all taken it's toll on your general demeanour. It's also causing you to take a really good look at your life and giving you a sense of your own mortality.
Outside of nursing, do you have any interests or hobbies? The reason I ask, is there seems to be a general sense of restlessness in you and of a lack of purpose in your life. Like your whole life centres around work and the situation at home.
Another really good way of gaining more meaning to life, is to do volunteer work. There truly is no greater way of finding fulfilment than to give of yourself in helping others. Usually it's only a couple of hours once a week or fortnight.
A friend of my mother, went through some rough times a few years ago after losing her youngest adult son in a very tragic accident. What she did was to go back to painting (artistic), a passion she had from before she was married. She said it was the only thing that kept her going through those difficult times. She still paints on a regular basis. It brings her joy.
While I realize this was not your problem, I mentioned it as I felt that to do something creative yourself, might put something into your life that you might really enjoy. Creative pursuits do take the mind to another place entirely. A real feeling of peace - like no other. A kind of timelessness. It will also put some balance back into your life.
There needs to be a sense of purpose in all our lives, every day - it feeds the soul. And it does seem like you are not nourishing your spirit like you should. Go ahead, try some different activities. It will make a huge difference I'm sure. You owe it to yourself, and to be at peace with the world.
Your life can be whatever you want it to be. The only thing standing in your way is YOU. The only limit is your imagination.
Take Care. Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 Sounds like a real "Leave it to Beaver kind of homelife. Have you tried going out and judst gtting ripped? it might give you the libeated feeling you ned to have to muddle through. THen there's always self help books on self-esteeme...No go get blasted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I am 13 and my mother is 45 she turns 46 this month. She is divorced from my father[ he left when I was 6,the divorce was final when i was 10, he is now married to another woman who I dont like]. She recently started losing weight, she was obese and had a breast reduction and a tummytuck. She lost 100lbs, she gained 60 of it back and lost half it already. She has started online dating which me or my sisters dont agree with. She has been having hotflashes latley and thinks she might be going through "The Change". I have read your desperate wife article and wish you the best.
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