A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:He is a typical Mr Unavailable. We were close once and we’d text all the time. I was coming out of a destructive relationship and soon our involvement became romantic. Despite his advances and “promises”, he was just unable to commit to a relationship with me. Just as things got to “the crunch” he’d panic, come up with some BS excuse to step back and ghost me. Despite his apologies, this happened twice. Then the third time he tried to start the BS cycle, pretending as though nothing happened... I was wiser and declined his repeated advances to meet up. Third time. Fourth time. You get the idea. We were never sexual.It’s been two years since this all began. He’s remained single, searching online to date and casually hook up. After the second time he “bolted and ghosted”, he began communicating with this woman overseas. I could see their contact and interaction online increasing in intimacy, until most recently she’s declared she’s in a “relationship” on Facebook followed by posting “love songs” all over her profile. Mind you, they’ve NEVER met in person but they’ve maintained communication online for over a year. During the last twelve months however, he’s continued to contact me in a flirty way (non-reciprocated) and even lashed out when I told him I was in a relationship and/or not interested. Most recently was in the last month.Right now I can’t help but feel slightly jaded because he’s in a “Facebook official” relationship with someone he’s never even met. My feelings of low self-worth have crept back, and I’m hurt that she’s clearly “good enough” to commit to but I never was. I’ve done a lot of research on emotionally unavailable relationships, and this explains his BS cycle of behaviour. He’s 34 and he’s never been married. The longest relationship was several years (if that) which ended because he pursued a girl he’d been obsessed with since childhood. That didn’t last and he’s been single until now.Just six months ago the overseas woman announced online that she was moving to his country, with some insinuation that she’d met someone “special” (clearly was him). That same week he was hitting up someone I know on a dating site, unbeknownst to him. Even today, his online dating profile and casual “hook up” profile are active.But still... despite all the shady behavior, I can’t help but believe he’s now combusted in to the sort of person I wanted all along. I believe she reaps all the benefits based on the fact that he’s committed to her, despite not having met and she’s clearly smitten. Am I missing something?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2019): Listen sweetie .. he's a commitment phobic;- he wants what he can't have .. and once he has it .. he doesn't want it .
Watch this relationship as it will implode soon .. stop reaching for something that not there .. It's like mist .. you can never grab it .. reach for something solid .. It's out there.. waiting.. honestly it's not him ..
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2019):
 You need to get your head out of the past.
OK, he was a sweetheart when he was 15. PEOPLE change.
Do you really think HOW he has treated you AND this woman overseas as "sweet" behavior? For goodness sake! He is looking actively to cheat on her, he ghosted you several times when you either pushed for more or got comfortable with what you had... THAT is NOT "great guy" behavior.
You can continue to live in this la-la fantasy land where he is SUCH a GOOD boy who is JUST so misunderstood... OR you can SEE him for what he is. A guy with issues who will NEVER commit to you. Who will continue to HURT you and play you FOR AS LONG and YOU let him.
Wake up and smell the coffee. You aren't a teenager no more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2019): You are thinking of a 15yr old not a grown man.
You are thinking you have let the love of your life slip away.
You want violins and harps.
But real life dosen't have a happy ending.
You want to run down the facebook alter of official relationships yelling 'It should have been me!'
But the bloke could never committ to you.
If you want to play this scene on repeat you can but think of all the film endings you can.
And remember you are a real person and not celluloid.
Do you need the endless embarrassement or do you have a pack of fairy dust that can transform him into what you want?
Maybe the guy is just gay but doesnt publicly want to come out?
You could end that film right there.
He could hug you for saving him from his fate-worse-than-death and even kiss you on the face cheeks to public applause but after that he could walk off with the best man!
But why would you mind when you've already had your film starring moment!
Or you could just ignore him on face book and get on with your life!
The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): Thing is, we were childhood sweethearts. I was his FIRST ever crush (he told me that). I was never keen on him. Years went by and social media became a thing. He tracked me down and reached out in 2009, tried to connect with me via social media, but I was going through a relationship break down and never reciprocated. I removed him. Then... which is the current situation, he tracked me down a second time and connected via social media. But this time, I was vulnerable and craving the attention he was willing to give. As you can see, he was ALWAYS the one chasing me down to begin with. I’d have never even given him a thought but he chose to reconnect at the right time and I was ever so willing.He was a sweetheart back then, caring and considerate. Then again he was only 15. I keep thinking of him as the boy back then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): This comes across like a teenage after-school drama. Yet all the players are adults approaching 30!
You've been dissed and ghosted a number of times; but you're stalking and keeping tabs on a guy who bolts every-time you try to force him into some kind of a definable relationship.
I'm not being harsh, I'm trying to be straight-up; because you're handing your heart over to someone to slam it up against the wall. Stop punishing yourself over your past failed-relationship.
You're trying to reconstruct your failed-relationship through rebounding with another guy. Figuring you'll somehow maneuver him into a romance, and somehow you'll make it work.
He's a terrible band-aid for your heart, and he keeps falling-off! Exposing your emotional wounds to the air!
He doesn't want it, so stop trying!
How many times does he have to do horrible stuff to you? What will it take before you realize he's a jerk toying with your emotions, and he really isn't into you?
He doesn't want to be your boyfriend replacement.
You pretend as if you're resisting him; but you're jumping right in-front of him when he tries to turn-away! You're not resisting when you've got a net over him!!!
He's not in a real relationship; if he has never met the other person. Neither is he in a relationship with you!
Now how does any of his nonsense have anything to do with your self-esteem? You were never in a relationship.
You've basically been chasing him, and he's consistently running the opposite direction. He's not playing hard to get, he's rejecting you!
This is a case of infatuation; and he can't seem to shake you loose. You're certainly boosting his ego by clinging like you're desperate for him.
If he has flaked on you on a number of occasions, explain why you keep clinging onto him?
He gets flirty? So he's a teaser, and playing mind-games. Why do you keep going for the bait?
He's not to blame here. All you have to do is cut him loose. Block and delete him; and move-on like he never existed. You are definitely chasing a ghost, sweetheart!
Your self-esteem and self-worth are homegrown and self-maintained. He doesn't have that kind of power over you; unless you give it to him. If you're a drama queen, and you like performing a live soap opera; or dramatizing your own romance novel. You chose a knucklehead for your leading-man. He likes messing with you. Well, if it's drama you want; then it's drama you'll get!
You can't blame him if you keep going back for more.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 April 2019):
 The real question is why are you wasting your time thinking about it? You know this guy was no good for you, you had 2 years to get together and never did so it’s OBVIOUS that you two are not a good match. Why haven’t you blocked him? NOTHING is happening here nor has it ever done, so why still keep in contact? Why still check up on him? YOU are making this hard work to get over by not actually trying.
Leave them to it, whether it works out for them it doesn’t matter, the thing here is nothing will ever work out for you and him because it IS NOT meant to. If you should be in a relationship together then you would be.
Block him and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2019):
I have to agree with Youcannotbeserious,
You think that HE believes she is "better" than you and that is why he has a Facebook online relationship with HER, and not one in person WITH YOU.
Just like HE doesn't REALLY want to commit, YOU only want him because he is unavailable to you. SO instead of being in an abusive relationship with your ex, you are now then one doing DAMAGE to yourself. NOT him.
NOTHING you write about him makes me think:" OH WHAT a catch!" It makes me think:" WHY on Earth does she punish herself by keeping this man in her life and pursuing him whilst playing all kind of "victim" games?" Because, you are.
You KNOW he doesn't want to commit, you know he is CONSTANTLY looking for someone "better" because he doesn't know what he wants, except he DOES know YOU are not the one for him. He keeps you around as a "spare" in case other "options" dry up because he KNOWS you are willing to give him the attention and drama he likes to feed his ego.
WHY on Earth do you think he got into a "Facebook" relationship with someone overseas? BECAUSE she is MILES AND MILES away, it's NOT like he actually is committed TO her (as he is still going out on dates) but he likes to know that this woman overseas is FULLY committed to him. And what SHE doesn't know... won't hurt her.
You have set your sight on ANOTHER unhealthy man. This guy. Maybe because you think that is all you deserve or all you can get. But unless you BREAK that vicious circle of chasing or being with men who are NOT good TO you or FOR you... you are going to be miserable and BY your own doing.
You don't WANT to see what a piece of SHIT person he is, because YOU want him. (or rather the fantasy persona you have build up of him.) You want him because you think a guy who is in "high demand" MUST be a someone good. Just look at all the other women who wants him!
Honey, he is NOT a pair of LOUBOUTIN's. He isn't high quality. He is a user. He is totally selfish and ONLY thinking of his OWN needs and wants.
And WHAT if SHE (the woman overseas) is JUST the right one for him? SO WHAT? Let her have him! He really is NOT a keeper.
I think YOU should stop stalking his online dating profiles (even if you have OTHER people do it for you) and stop checking his Facebook, her Facebook, BLOCK the asshat, UNFRIEND the asshat and take some WELL WORTH time to find your center again. To LOVE you. And then you can start thinking about dating, but you NEED to be WAY more critical of how you LET a guy treat you.
DROP this nonsense and drama from your life. You don't NEED this guy in it. Go out with friends, meet new people (I don't mean dating or casual sex here), try new things, like a hobby or interest. Save up for a LOVELY vacation with friends (or family). ENJOY life instead of letting this man SUCK the joy out of you.
Get on YouTube and watch this guy and his dating tips and relationship advice. The guy has many GREAT tips.
Matthew Hussey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8T0SWt5qHg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THBGcb1fkS8
Do it for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2019): I am having a hard time understanding why you are searching through his online dating accounts, and facebook, as well as his girlfriends' accounts, just to online stalk a man who you essentially have turned down several times because he has ghosted you twice in the past when you attempted to have a relationship with him. I applaud your decision to decline his third request to go steady with you because of his previous ghostings, but after that why do you still take his calls and texts? Why are you still friends with him on facebook, and why do you care what his facebook "girlfriend" in another country does on hers?My advice would be to stop stalking them both, block his number on your phone, unfriend him and all his "girlfriends" on facebook, and put your energy into finding someone else who will treat you well like you deserve. Too much of your energy is going into this social media stalking, it is not healthy. It takes too much time away from your moving on to a new man. It puts way to much stake in a fantasy life that you are making up for this assumed couple that you really have no idea about, and should not give a lick about either. You never met her, and he ghosted you twice. Time to let it all go!Tell your friends not to mention him to you anymore when/if they see him on dating apps. Obviously he has a "grass is greener" attitude toward women and is not ready to settle for anyone exclusively. You are better off without that drama, so stop inserting yourself into it.Start using the time you were looking at their stuff online to go out and meet new people, or strengthen relationships with current friends so that they may be able to introduce you to some good available men, if that is what you are looking for. You are young and I am sure if you put yourself back out there you would have a lot of suitors. Move on. This guy was not worth your time. Who cares what he tells a girl overseas that you don't even know personally?Best, R
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 April 2019):
 Are you missing something? Wow! Seriously? Where to start?
1. They have not even met. How "committed" can their relationship be? As soon as they actually do meet, he will panic and back off, just as he has done with you in the past.
2. He is so "committed" to this relationship that he is still active on dating websites. He sounds like a real catch, lol!
3. He is so "committed" to this relationship that he is still contacting you and trying to flirt with you. Are you actually enjoying the fact that he is still contacting you? Does this make you feel better about yourself in some way? Are you thinking that, despite his earlier rejection of you (and your ultimate and wise rejection of him), the fact that he is still "pursuing" you means he cares for you in some way?
4. Most importantly, why are you even interested? The research you SHOULD be doing is why YOU can't move on. You already KNOW this guy is a waste of space. NOBODY will ever be good enough for him. Even if he "settles down", he will constantly be on the prowl for more. Why have you not blocked him and moved on with your life? Why are you still allowing him to live, rent free, inside your head? Why are you so obsessed with someone who is unavailable?
I was shaking my head as I read "despite all the shady behavior, I can’t help but believe he’s now combusted in to the sort of person I wanted all along". REALLY? You actually WANTED a cheat who pretends to "commit" to a relationship with a women he hasn't even met while chasing around after other females? Is that all you think you are worth? Sweetheart, you need to realize you are worth so much more, stop obsessing about this guy just because he is unavailable, and move on with our life.
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