A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm so unhappy at the moment. I work full time but my boyfriend works from home. Every day he watches porn, despite at the beginning of our relationship him telling me he doesn't watch videos. Today I went to the shops for one hour and came back to find loads on his computer. Without fail I give him oral sex every day but despite me asking, we only have sex about twice a month. I am an attractive size 10 who wears heels and tights every day to try and encourage him but nothing seems to make any difference. I know he will go ballistic if he finds I have been checking his history, but this is making me have all the self worth of a dung beetle. Am I wrong to want him to cut it down?
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male
reader, Chaosman  +, writes (4 March 2010):
Ok! First thing: As a man I can only speak for myself and not every male but, for me, my daily porn watching has nothing to do with my attraction to my wife or to any one on the computer screen. My porn watching has to do with my masturbation which is distinctly different from my actual sex life. I am supremely disinterested in having sex with any woman other than my wife. I love her deeply and my attraction to her is on so many levels that sex with her is a deep and almost spiritual thing. My masturbation is an outlet for all of the less savory parts of my psyche and generally involves imaginings of things I would never actually do or want to do. In short, it is a relief valve and I feel that it enhances my love life with my wife and helps me stay disinterested with anyone else. I would wager that if I didn't have that outlet I might be tempted to find another outlet which would, at the least, be dangerous to my relationship.
Second thing: It seems that your problems have much less to do with his porn habits and much more to do with his treatment of you and his apparent lack of motivation to satisfy you sexually and emotionally. Don't focus on whether or not he watches porn. Don't focus on whether or not he lies about it. Focus on whether or not he wants to satisfy your needs. If he does not, and it sure sounds like it, you need to address this with him. Don't complain about the porn, complain about his failure to make you feel sexy and loved and fulfilled. I would imagine that if he was pleasing you sexually daily and constantly building your self esteem with compliments and romance and showing his love for you, his porn habits would not bother you in the slightest. If he is unwilling to do these things, if he is unwilling to try....run. Your self esteem is on a downward spiral and it is up to both of you to fix it if you want to have a healthy relationship. If he isn't going to be part of the solution, he is the problem.
A
female
reader, pinksuze +, writes (5 March 2008):
Unfortunately we live in a society that says that it's acceptable for men to use porn (and then makes up excuses for this - ie men are more visual or have higher sex drives). Many women who have a problem with their partners' use of porn are told that it shouldn't threaten them and that they should just turn a blind eye. It is very likely that, although he's now hiding it from you because he knows it upsets you, your boyfriend doesn't really believe he's doing anything wrong. But the fact that he knows it upsets you and yet still does it indicates a lack of respect for your feelings, and I think you need to confront him about this. It's not about you snooping - if you snooped and had nothing to worry about then it wouldn't be an issue and you'd stop doing it. If he had nothing to hide, why would he have a problem with you looking? Your boyfriend needs to understand that whilst he feels it's acceptable for him to look at porn if he wants to, you don't. Just because he thinks it's ok to do it, doesn't mean it is, and he needs to understand that it really is an issue for you. Many many women find their partners' use of porn difficult or impossible to accept, and therefore it is a very real problem. If you feel that it's like he's cheating on you no amount of him thinking it isn't like that is going to help.
Your boyfriend is the product of a society that favours men, and he hasn't had the emotional intelligence to challenge his assumptions (probably because they work very well for him). It is not right in any way shape or form that you are required to give him oral sex on a daily basis and yet your needs are only fulfilled twice a month. He needs to wake up and see that there are two people in your relationship, and that both of you (and not just him) have needs.
Talk to him, tell him that you really don't want him using porn and that you want your sexual needs fulfilled far more than is happening now. Give him the opportunity to make the changes you want. If, however, he doesn't then you have to weigh up whether you're prepared to accept the way that things are and perhaps try to come to terms with him using porn. You need to ask yourself if you can live with this relationship on his terms, which is making you very unhappy, or whether you want to leave and find love with somebody who respects you.
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A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (4 March 2008):
 I think men lie about porn so they won't have to get beat up by their significant other. I am not sure how you first get started but is kind of a curious addiction. Too me it has absolutely nothing to do with how my wife looks or needs to look or perform to me.
I don't watch it for that reason at all but she takes it that way. I don't look like a model with a medium beer belly either but who cares, I don't. You make choices for your lifestyle and do the best you can to look good but in the end it is your actions that matter at least to me. I wish I could get taken care of once or twice a week but for the time being I have to do without. I wouldn't worry too much about the porn habit, just keep up what you are doing and he will probably loose interest in the porn after a while.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be fair he does give me oral sex around once /twice a week. But that doesnt bother me - its just the porn that is the issue. I have never refused to have sex with him - quite the reverse. He has suggested our sex life might be better if I did more exercise as it is hard to do different positions if you are not that fit - but what upsets me is watching the porn clips the positions that they are doing I am willing and able to do. Which just makes me feel like its a big excuse. He is always saying he loves me and I am beautiful but his actions are making me feel the reverse.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 so let me get this straight - you give him oral EVERY day, you have sex twice a month, and while you go off to work everyday he stays at home and gets off?? talk about selfish!!! fair enough if he watches porn - all men do, but all these other things that he is doing are just pure selfish!! does he ever perform oral on you? my guess is if he does its not once every day?!! talk to him - not just about the porn but about the way he treats you. its not fair that he expects all this from you and gives you nothing back - emotionally and physically. if he doesnt understand and change, then i would suggest moving on and finding someone who doesnt need porn and oral every day good luck xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): You are saying he is watching porn everday. You are finding evidence of it on the computer. He told you in the bginning he didn't use porn, so he lied to you. If he's lied to you, he's possibly addicted to it. And he also lied because he deliberately chose his addiction over having an honest relationship with you.
You give him oral sex everyday. Can I ask...does he ask you for it?, every day? If so, have you ever you turned him down? If you have I would be curious as to how he reacted? Did he take no for an answer or does he nag and hound you until you give him what he wants? The reason I am asking you this is because a huge sign of an sexual addiction is the inability to accept an unsatisfied desire. The person who is not sexually addicted is completely incapable of accepting no for an answer.
Sex with a loved one is supposed to be loving. and mutually giving. A good healthy relationship is also characterized by mutual respect. and regard for each other. You dress sexily to encourage him to desire and want you. It's not working is it. You are in effect, feeling humiliated just to get this man's attention. So stop doing that to yourself. It's making you feel worse about yourself.
A sexually addicted person creates an emotional distance between himself and his partner. In most cases, the other partner (you) is aware something is missing. For instance: You feel there's something he doesn't like about you, but he won't tell you what it is and you can't figure it out. The friendship is gone and the only thing left is occasional sex. Some people will tell you that as a marriage ages, it's natural to lose interest in each other. That's nonsense. Talk to people who have really great marriages and they'll tell you that they grow closer every day. I just want to state, if you feel something's missing, there's a good chance sex addiction is filling the void. Now you have to decide what should be done here. He is floundering and needs counseling. If he won't help himself, then the only to combat this is for you to tell him the porn needs to go or you do. And if you state this to him...be prepared to follow through. It takes a proud strong woman of value to do this. One who loves herself and has self-respect. I hope you can do this, or you'll be suffering for years to come and all I can say, is what a waste of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): My boyfriend watches porn pretty much everyday as well. If I said I was ok with it I would be lying, however it does not bother me as much as it used to. We have talked about it and he said that guys (or him in particular) needs to "release his tension" and its more about that then any sort of sexual desire. Odds are he is feeling frustrated and just wants a release, doesnt necessairly have anything to do with you or the people he is watching on the screen that is just the fastest way to take care of what he needs to take care of. My motto has always been, at least he is just looking around online and not actually going out and meeting up with a real woman behind my back! I think the porn thing is not so much something youneed to worry about, however I would definitely address the sex twice a month thing. If you are giving him oral everyday AND he is looking at porn on the regular, something tells me this guy is sexually selfish. I noticed you didnt mention him giving you oral everyday if at all. I think your sex life is definitely something to be discussed with him. You are a grown woman with needs! He needs to recognize that and satisfy you if he wants to keep you. Bottom line.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Why on earth is he getting oral sex every day and you only get sex twice a MONTH? You can try and talk to him about the porn but since he works from home he probably will just hide it better from you. If he doesn't see the discrepancy you guys have going in your sex life I'd guess I'd call it quits. He sounds rather selfish, is he?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): If he's choosing porn over sex then you're right to be hurt by this. Tell him its not fair that you give him oral everyday when you'd rather be having sex. Or refuse to give him oral till he stops refusing sex. If nothing you try works, he may have a problem/obsesssion. A man looking at porn, even somewhat frequently, is normal, but not if he is in a relationship and refusing sex with his partner. If he's lying to you about whether or not he looks at porn you'll probably have to confront him eventually though. I'd suggest starting off by fixing the sex life first, if possible, though. He might stop watching porn as much once that changes, anyway.
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