A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has broken up with me, because I recently I have been stuck in a depressive episode, due to a load of family crap with my parents.Over the last 2 years I have had 2 nervous breakdowns, 8 different anti-depressants, counselling, therapy, life coaching, etc. have done my best to try it all reallyFrom day 2 of our relationship with him I was really honest with him about the depression, but when my dad remarried it made me really really sad.I thought my boyrfiend understood, and he said he loved me, we had talked about our childrens names and everything. I guess I took some of my sadness out on him, but I could't see what I was doing and he never once mentioned it was getting him down. i honestly thought we would be together forever and i am literally devastated without him and am so sorry that I made him sad too.I want him back so so much, but he says he needs space and asked me not to contact him, which I haven't.I am lost without him, and really at my lowest.Have cried solidly for a week and nothing helps. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want my life. I just can't cope with everything and have felt like this for a while. Without my boyfriend though I really don't know what to do. I want him back so much!If anyone has any ideas what I can do would really appreciate it
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (30 June 2011):
it's natural to feel very upset at what your father did, and because you obviously love your mother you're outraged that she was betrayed. But still, as the female anon poster said, ultimately your parents' marital relationship is between themselves primarily. Also, not to condone in any way your father having an affair, but usually affairs are symptoms - not causes - of marriage disintegration. Usually it's simply the final nail in the coffin for a marriage that was already severely on the rocks (happy people in fulfilling and satisfying marriages, would not be seeking or open to relationships with anyone else besides their spouse, in the first place). It's really sad that your father had an affair instead of divorcing your mother long ago if he really didn't want to be married to her any more, but ironically he may have been trying to shield you from the hurt and upheaval and turmoil that a divorce would bring. I'm not saying that what he did is right, but people - including parents - are imperfect, and often when people hate their marriages, hate being married to their spouse, and are thus emotionally open to a new relationship with someone new, yet...they are afraid to get divorced because they fear the impact of divorce on their children. Everyone talks about how a divorce is like inflicting a terminal illness on the children. so they struggle to "keep the family together under one roof" by not getting divorced even though the marriage relationship is beyond repair and one of the spouses may already have found someone new that they really want to be with. I'm not saying that this is right, but people are imperfect and it's a recurring pattern in many marriages where affairs are involved and maybe knowing this information might help you in some way to process your feelings...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the replies
basically my dad situation is he left randomly after having an affair with his pa for a couple of years whilst still pretending happy families, said he didn't want his original family so wouldn't tell us his address or phone number, then was going out with another woman, and then had proposed to this other woman without even introducing her to me and whilst he was still married to my mother. then the divorce came through on monday and 4 days later he got remarried. my parents weren't separated for ages either, just over a year, so it all seems a bit hasty to me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): why did your dad remarrying make you so upset?your father has the right to have someone in his life who loves him, the way you too want to have someone in your life like your boyfriend. You wanted your father not to get remarried, obviously, but you're not in charge of his life so you don't know what's best for him, only he does. and whatever your dad chooses to do with his life, should not affect you because you're now an adult and should be living your own life. you may want your parents to stay together, but you as the child really have no clue what their relationship with each other was like. You have no idea of their pain and suffering with each other. to you it may seem that they split for no good reason and that your dad maybe ran off with someone new hurting your mom (I'm just guessing completely here since you didn't go into any such detail) or whatever. But whatever the back story was, ultimately your father should move on with his life. Just as you should move on with yours. Your parents are still your parents whether or not they are married to each other. You will still have a relationship with your parents, whether or not they are married to each other or to new people. And, if they are married to new people, that means you now have more family members in your life, more people to potentially have a loving and supportive relationship with. Try to change your perspective to look for the positives and see it as moving forward.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (29 June 2011):
I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through. You will get through it, break ups are hard on anyone and especially when you have depression.
You've done the right thing of working on your depression on your own with counseling and medication. You should continue to do the same, you may have made improvements but you still have more work to do on yourself.
Being in a relationship with someone who has depression can be very difficult, especially if you took out your sadness on him. He is doing the right thing of removing himself from you, if your relationship was really affecting him negatively. If he had stayed and continued that dynamic, you may not be working as hard on yourself because it might be easier to lean on him or use him as a crutch or depend too much on him to ease your depression. Over time this is an unfair burden on him.
I know it doesn't feel this way at all, but in a way he could be doing you a favor by leaving you. for a few reasons:
(a) it means he has a healthy sense of boundaries. People who don't, end up being co-dependent meaning, being dragged down by their partners' issues. This is not good because it leads to the "healthier" partner eventually becoming upset and resentful. And then the relationship becomes very toxic and if a break up happens then, it's ugly and more painful. If a break up still doesn't happen because the healthy partner feels obligated to stay and help out the partner with issues, then the relationship between them deteriorates meaning, emotional detachment, resentment, hostility, lack of intimacy, lack of trust... and this can certainly worsen depression even more. So it's good that your boyfriend did not allow your relationship to get to this stage, by leaving now before it gets worse.
(b) if you were depending on him in an unhealthy way, then it means you're still not where you need to be in your personal development. If he has left you and you have no choice but to stand on your own two feet and continue working on yourself, ultimately this is better for you.
(c) If you continue working on yourself and eventually you heal more and overcome your depression, you and him may get back together when you're able to be a better and more functional partner. The relationship will be more equal and will be better than if he had stayed with you now. If he doesn't come back in the future despite your recovering more, you will still be in a better place because of the fact of having healed more. You will then be able to form new and healthier relationships.
In short, I think you should get back into counseling or therapy immediately to help yourself deal with your depression and the latest toll that your break up has taken. If necessary, get back on medication if you're not currently on it. Spend time with family and friends who care for you. Take care of yourself. It may not feel like it, but you will be OK, just take it one day at a time. And, continue to respect your ex boyfriend's wishes and not contact him.
If necessary, switch to a different counselor or therapist if you feel that your current one isn't helping you enough (if you can honestly say that you're doing all the work you can to get as much out of the sessions as possible). Some times a different therapeutic approach might work better for you.
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A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 Sorry that you are feeling this way for a long time. I had been depressed myself for months well not because of family issues but merely because the relationship that I have is not going too well. Everyday when I wake up I have to cry and then again before sleeping but nothing seem to help at all. I felt like my hold world is falling apart. 1st you should take it a positive way that if your dad remarries to another woman doesn't mean he don't care for you.2nd keep in mind that it only shows that he is happy and just be happy for him.3rd I think it is not your fault that your bf left you because you made him feel sad but because he doesn't love you that much and not be with you for your lowest point.I know it's very frustrating and you felt alone but it will all come to an end only if you can learn to accept that in your heart.I hope it gets better for you!!!
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A
female
reader, Roxsanna +, writes (29 June 2011):
You need to address the issue of why your feeling this way and find a way to overcome it or move on, it's good that you haven't texted your boyfriend and you've given him the space he needs. Use this time as a time to reflect and grow as a person and become more independent within yourself, work on yourself and maybe your boyfriend might see this and want to come back or maybe he'll just want to stay friends whichever the outcome just prepare yourself to deal with it so you don't set yourself up for false hope.
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