A
male
age
36-40,
*ultitask
writes:Okay I admit it. I am at a stage in my life where I am the typical Nice Guy. The one we hate to love. I'm the nice guy because my situation in life makes me insecure, lonely and very needy for attention and affection. Because of this when any girl comes around I accept it and try to build a future around it even though I know that there is no chemistry. I have had 3 relationships so far (in the space of year and a half) and they have all ended with the same thing. I'm amazing yet there is never any chemistry. All the great ladies (and they have been really great!) have tried really hard with me and I feel upset that I can't have that raw sexual attraction for them.To be honest when I am around these chicks all I do is just talk. I rarely feel the effort to make a move and I'm content with just watching a DVD together once in a while. The odd times I do have had sex with them I find that masturbation feels far greater. I just have no motivation nor inspiration to care.A friend told me its depression and I agree. Now I have loads of confidence and I can charm the fur off a bear. But I don't want to be an asshole and I feel very sad when I do this to the ladies. Its unfair to them. But I can feel myself crying out for affection because of this depression. I feel like I need to be with somebody even though I know I must fix me first.Does anyone know how to deal with this? Its been at least 3 years of depression and its gotten so bad that any form of rejection feels a lot like abandonment and death. I need to change but I need to know how. Does anyone have tips?
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female
reader, Emma1988  +, writes (1 March 2010):
Hey im the female version of you haha except im not the nice girl, bbut dont get me wrong im not the nasty girl either!
i too have struggled with depression for awhile, and i believe depression is a manifestation (excuse my spellings!) of poor self image and learned hopelessness, bottom line is, its a lack of confidence which the individual belives they have had frust upon them, like life experiences etc.
Im getting my life back on track, read my question to see my position, but i cant have a relationship at the moment no way, i would suck the life out of it.
instead i get attention when im in clubs, like kinda have a male friend for the night (not bring em home tho!) and leave it there, it helps me see that i can get men, but my heart is not in it.
Mybe u should kick it with the guys for awhile, work on your issues. because funnily enough when i have let people in and had relationships its sorta just accidently happened, because i am open to it.
A
male
reader, multitask +, writes (11 February 2010):
multitask is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Be selfish. Take some time being single- and hey, if it works for you, take some time to find someone to enjoy time with (with or without strings) in the future who primarily TURNS YOU ON. If you simply don't really get turned on, then it will be easier for you to figure out if it's the women you've been seeing and the relationships you've had, or if it's something physiological, or simply something personal that you need to confront. After all, maybe you're not the penultimate "nice guy" you think you are. It's okay to unleash and be a little bit bad, too."
Thank you! I think this is bang on target. I shouldn't say nice guy. I should say I'm a kind of emotionally closed guy.
I'm not taking medications and I want to avoid it. I am looking into further help. I'm pretty sure I'm not gay, but I hope I'm not asexual. All in all I know it has something to do with performance anxiety because of certain situations that have happened in my life.
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A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 I don't immediately want to jump on the "are you gay" bandwagon. Though it is a valid consideration, it's an easy conclusion to jump to.
You think you're depressed. That's a great place to start, but it isn't everything. I know you're looking for a relationship that lasts, and have a healthy sex life with a good partner. At the same time, you need a good balance of what you're doing and what you want.
Are you on any medication? A close friend of mine was on a libido-stifling medication for depression for a decade, and suffered the same problems you do. Additionally if you aren't happy with yourself, no degree of work from a partner is going to solve your problem.
Be selfish. Take some time being single- and hey, if it works for you, take some time to find someone to enjoy time with (with or without strings) in the future who primarily TURNS YOU ON. If you simply don't really get turned on, then it will be easier for you to figure out if it's the women you've been seeing and the relationships you've had, or if it's something physiological, or simply something personal that you need to confront. After all, maybe you're not the penultimate "nice guy" you think you are. It's okay to unleash and be a little bit bad, too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): First of all there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy, I do not know where you get the idea that we love to hate them.
Are you getting treatment for your depression? You are right you need to work on you first.
Whoever you go out with, you have to have chemistry with them do not settle for anything less. You are still young and there is plenty of time so relax about it all.
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (11 February 2010):
 first I would like to ask if you know your sexual preference. That might be the reason you aren't that interested in your relationships with women.and why there is no chemistry. Maybe they are not worth your effort. Do you find men attractive? If you do you certainly need to give a lot of thought about what will truly make you happy.
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