A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend deletes all the texts from other girls. Well he knows that I am jealous and I have confronted him for flirting with his colleague and knows that I sometimes go through his phone. (Please don't judge). Now he deletes all the texts with other girls, but the logs are still there, so I know he has long text conversations with them.. Is he hiding something or am I crossing the line and being paranoid??
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Why do you not trust him? Has he given you any reasons for doubting him? Maybe he's just friendly with his colleague and you see that as flirting, when it might not really be the case? Look, unless he's cheated on you in the past, lied about talking to girls inappropriately behind your back or given you any reason to suspect his behavior, then you are probably over reacting.
That being said, he should not delete the texts because why does he have to delete anything if there's nothing to hide? If he knows that it upsets you, then he should either restrict the conversations to a minimum or sit you down and have an open, honest chat with you to help you get over your fears.
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (7 October 2013):
 If he wants you to trust him, he should earn that trust. Deleting texts shows that he has something to hide and/or you have reason to be suspicious. Period. If he really wants you to trust him, he'd show you the text messages and that there is nothing to hide. Your invasiveness is irrelevant except as a sign of a larger trust issue. Deleting texts from people of the opposite sex is signs of a cheater. Maybe you're better off finding someone who deserves your love and trust.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2013):
 I'm with YouWish all the way.
You can not have a healthy relationship if you have the urge or feel a need to go through his phone to see if he has been a "bad" boy.
No wonder he deletes the texts. He probably rather not have you go nuts over something that is innocent.
If you really don't trust him, why are you with him? And how is going through his phone helping YOU trust? Or him PROVE that he is trust worthy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): A little of both. You crossing a line gets tiring and makes him defensive whether he has something to hide or not.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 October 2013):
It's impossible to say, but I'd guess he doesn't want an argument so he deletes them. How can you ask not to be judged when it's likely that you are creating the problem you're asking for advice about?
Stop treating him like he's guilty and he might stop acting like he is.
I had a friend who's girlfriend would accuse him of cheating every time he went out without her. It used to cause huge fights between the two of them. We'll guess what? One day he had the opportunity to cheat (I was with him) and he said "you know what, if I'm going to get accused of cheating I might as well do it." He did, and started seeing the girl.
Think about that when you're going through his phone.
The right thing to do is lay down the "rules" of dating you: if he cheats, you're going to break up with him, no questions asked. If you have any reason at all to suspect he is cheating, you're dumping him. Then, if he does, leave him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2013):
 People talk a lot about trust on here, but it's as much of a destruction of trust to dig through his privacy whenever you feel like it. That is why he's deleting his texts. You cross the line by rifling through his private stuff and then calling him on the carpet with him. It's an invasion and a violation and you are not married to him.
You also confronted him for "flirting" with a colleague. Do you know that if you're insecure and paranoid, EVERYTHING will look like flirting? Unless you caught him soliciting sex or lying about his relationship status or being blatantly disloyal, then you're out of line. You've gotta calm down, or you will destroy your relationship.
You should never set yourself up in a relationship where you're monitoring your partner, questioning everything, snooping at every turn (and demanding not to be judged), because that *is* controlling his behavior.
If he's untrustworthy, then break up.
If you're insecure, then get a grip and do what it takes to improve your confidence and drop the obsessive behavior.
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