A
female
age
41-50,
*ostinSpain
writes:My best friend of 13 years and I kissed for the first time the other night. It led into a full on make out session that lasted well over an hour. Granted we had drunk a bottle of wine. However, the next morning, we woke up and it started all over again. This of course left us both very, very confused. We decided we should talk about what happened and while we both agreed it was weird, I must admit I quite liked it. I've had feelings for him for as long as I've known him but was never in a place where I ever thought I wanted more than friends with him.....until now. When I asked him how he felt when we kissed, he said it was weird - kind of a little like kissing his sister but that I was a really, really good kisser. He said he was having difficulty separating the two feelings from one another which was leading to his confusion. If we decided to date, I think we have a chance at a pretty amazing relationship based on our long time friendship. However, if we're going to date, he's going to have to get over this "kissing my sister" feeling. To be fair, he said he's never thought about me as more than friends before. He said he never thought it was an option so.......Has anyone else felt like this? Were you eventually able to separate the two feelings? If so, how?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Ok, I think you read a little too much into it. That is one of the major problems with trying to have a deep conversation via text message. The way I interpret his statement about the end result is: no matter what happens, he wants to maintain your friendship. I don't interpret this as writing anything off. I really don't. What I pick up on is someone who is genuinely confused about what he's feeling and trying to work it out.
Hmmm, I'm going to try something different (for me at least). I'm going to do a little role playing. What if I were your friend? What would be going through my mind? I'm going to go back to near the beginning of your friendship here.
Beginning. Wow, this is a cool girl. I'm glad I get to hang out with her. It's nice having someone in our group who I feel comfortable around. I wonder if she would be interested in going out? Should I risk it? If it doesn't work out, it could cost me her and my friends. What if they don't want to be around me anymore if we break up? Maybe it's best if I just stay her friend.
1-3 years in. I'm kind of glad that I didn't pursue her. I really like being around her, but I don't think she'd be interested in me. It's probably better this way. I have to get her out of my head though. How can I move on? I've got to refocus my energy.
3-6 years in. I'm glad things are going well. Still, being single sucks. Maybe I should hang out with Spain (taken from your screen name) more. After all, she's single too.
6-9 years in. This is going great. We hang out all the time. I think I'm growing to really love her. She is my best friend and I love that I can talk to her about anything.
9-present. Man, we've gotten so close. Maybe those feelings I had early on weren't so far off. But our relationship has been so good since I decided that I'd just be her friend. Still, we cuddle all the time. I love how she feels in my arms. The thought of losing her is simply something I can't bear. I love the feeling I have when I'm with her. I can't believe we kissed. It was something that I wanted for so long but had completely written off as something that would never happen. It felt a little weird, but I think I was just scared. What am I going to do. If we have sex, there is no going back. Sex changes everything. So far we've only gone a little further than we normally do. That's not so bad. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to lose her. I have no idea what I should do, I just know I want her in my life.
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Ok, that's my speculation about some of the thoughts he's had over the tenure of your friendship based on my own personal experiences in this area.
Your comment about losing the friendship as you know it is a scary one. While it's true, it will for sure hit hard seeing it in black and white. I do see one way to maintain your closeness, progress the relationship in the direction it has been going. I'm still pulling for you. I'd also suggest reserving these types of conversation for in person or at least talking interaction. Written words leave too much room for interpretation.
A
female
reader, LostinSpain +, writes (5 August 2010):
LostinSpain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo having a clearer, less emotional head, this morning (I'm an emotional idiot, I know), I realize I may have misinterpreted my friend's texts yesterday.
When I read "end result - friend" I immediately jumped to conclusions (To be fair, we had a long discussion on Sunday. When we left, my understanding was that we still didn't know what our final decision was so we were going to just give it time. From what his brother told me yesterday, my friend said that we decided to leave it as friends. Hence, what led to my confused self becoming even more confused. Why do I listen to the brother? I don't know).
In reading this today, I'm thinking maybe I jumped to conclusion and am running the risk of ruining things by being my emotional, non-logical, self (I'm a woman, I know how we are). So, I'm going to put it out there and see what you think -
Anyway, we were supposed to go camping this Sun - Tues. I texted my friend and here's how it went:
Me: So I've been thinking and well....I don't know what you've decided about camping and I know I had said that if you went I'd camp camp with you guys and if not that I'd hotel it with the girls but given everything that's going on at the moment I've decided not to go. If you go, have fun. If not, I hope it's not because of me.
I've also decided that I think its best if I don't go to Hawaii either (we talked about me going with him and another friend at the end of August)......and I hope you know I'm really sorry for all the confusion I've caused.
My friend: No, I wasn't going to go camping, anyway. I respect your decision but hope that doesn't mean you don't want to hang out with the group for future occasions. The whole situation is confusing, however, I want the end result of you being my friend....
Me: Yeah, I know. But I also know reality is that someday, no matter what we do, we're going to lose the very thing we are trying to protect right now - our friendship, or at the very least, the closeness of our friendship.
Anyway, I thought talking would help but instead it's just left me more confused so I think, at least for now, I just need some space to sort things out. Besides that, I quite possibly have interviews on Mon and Tues and I really shouldn't take 4 days off at the beginning of the school year, especially when I'm taking off a week in March.
Friend: I understand and really hope you get the job.
Can someone give me perspective?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
Shitty, nothing worse than a guy who can't come to grips with his emotions. But then again, with the definition of "friends" that you guys are operating under, I guess I can somewhat understand why he wouldn't want to take that next step. I guess my point is, you are both getting most of the benefits of a dating relationship without the official relationship. The way I look at it, you two have been dating for a while.
Where to go from here? That's a tough one. On one hand, it's good that everything is out in the open. On the other, it's painful because he's not willing to give it a shot. His comment about in the end wanting to be friends is lame in my book. The reason I think that is that I feel that my partner should be my best friend. We should have that above all else. But that's me, and to me, he still sounds confused and scared.
One thing I would do is cut out all the cuddling and spending the night together. Friends don't do that, couples do. It will really suck, and hopefully it sucks for him enough that he'll rethink his position. When he asks why, tell him that stuff makes it feel like you two are a couple, and since he doesn't want that, you shouldn't do that anymore. This will be a bit of a slap in the face to him, but I think it's one that needs to be done. Hopefully it will open his eyes. One of two things will happen. He'll either come around, or he'll back away. Either is good. If he backs off, it will be easier for you to be just friends as time progresses. If he comes around, well, that's self explanitory.
I know this isn't going to be easy to read, but I still think this relationship has a chance at greatness if things don't take to long from this point. You should not be his fallback, you should be his first choice. Since he's already focusing so much energy on you, it is a bit baffling why he would react the way he did.
Thank you very much for the followup. I'm very sad that things didn't work out the way you had hoped at this point. I'm still pulling for you. I'm hoping for the best outcome possible here! Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, LostinSpain +, writes (5 August 2010):
LostinSpain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, Dirtball, I my heart races and I get butterflies when we kiss or think about it. For him, well, I don't know.
We hold each other all the time so yes, it's natural. For as long as I've known him, we've always been very cuddly and touchy feely. When we watch a movie, I either cuddle up next to him, sometimes we spoon on the sofa, or I sit between his legs.
When we share a bed, we cuddle up next to each other and usual spend the entire night in each others arms (very unusual since even with boyfriends and my ex-fiance, we generally would fall asleep that way then end up on opposite sides of the bed eventually during the night).
When we had our "talk" the other night about whether we were going to date or just remain friends, he was holding me in his arms for the entire 3 or 4 hours we were talking. At some point we even fell asleep like that for awhile.
As I mentioned in my earlier post though, he said tonight "the whole situation is confusing. however, i just want the end result of you being my friend...."
I think that even if there is something there, he's lost and has a lot to work out on his own before we could ever be together. I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here but my instinct is telling me to just let it go....at least for now. Maybe if it's meant to be, it'll happen later, down the road.
I'm just not sure how to be the supportive best friend, watch him date/sleep with other women, etc. when I know how I feel about him.
This sucks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): Update: so today he said "the whole situation is confusing. however, i just want the end result of you being my friend...."
So, I guess that's that. Question now is how do I deal with it? I feel like such an ass and I'm hurt. I truly feel in my gut that he likes me in the same way I like him but......all I can do is go with what he says and right now, it sucks my heart is broken as I thought for sure this was it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): Update: so today he said "the whole situation is confusing. however, i just want the end result of you being my friend...."
So, I guess that's that. Question now is how do I deal with it? I feel like such an ass and I'm hurt. I truly feel in my gut that he likes me in the same way I like him but......all I can do is go with what he says and right now, it sucks my heart is broken as I thought for sure this was it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 August 2010):
Have I felt like this? Yes. How did I get past it? I just did. As I said to your previous post, I really believe you have a chance to have a great relationship. I also don't believe for one second that he hasn't thought about this. It's likely he's thought about this a lot.
What I think is going on is that he's scared, and wants to blame a lame excuse rather than admit what he's feeling. Still, who knows, he may be truely feeling like he's kissing his sister. For me, that feeling went away when we started getting more intimate. I'm not talking sex either, lets call it naked make out.
Here's a couple of things to consider, for both of you.
What does your heart do when you kiss, or even when you think about kissing? Does it race? Do you get butterflies? I'd be willing to bet it does. You don't get that kissing your sibling.
How do you feel when you hold eachother? Does it feel natural? Can you be comfortable there for hours? My guess is that it feels right, that it makes you feel complete.
I'm pulling for you both on this one! I sincerely think you have a great chance here.
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