A
female
age
26-29,
*ittleboepeep
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years now. It is a delicate relationship, as he has never been with any other woman sexually or as seriously as he has been with me. About a year and a half ago, he broke up with me. It was absolutely terrible for both of us. I, however, moved on. After about four months, I was dating new men when he called me one day and asked me out to dinner. At that dinner, he cried and begged and pleaded with me to take him back. So I did. He apologized, he swore he would never do this to me again, and he did everything he could to show me that he loves me and things were new and different. We have been back together for over a year now, and we moved in together about five months ago. Well...he's doing it again. He is having a existential crisis, questioning life. He doesn't know what makes him happy, he doesn't know what his purpose is, he doesn't feel like he has done anything with his life and he is unsatisfied with the current relationships in his life...even ours. He keeps saying "I don't want to lose you. I don't want to go through a breakup again, but there is something missing. Something that was there in the beginning isn't there anymore." I have been trying to be a supportive ear and a shoulder for him to (literally) cry on. I did get a little over emotional and started to act childish at one point...but I felt as if I were being attacked, and I apologized to him after the fact. I don't know what to do here. I can't sit idly by and continue sleeping in the same bed with him while I wait for him to decide whether he wants to stay with me or not. That being said, we are under a contract to continue living together until December of this year. Now, he keeps talking about how he wishes he could experiment with other women. Keep in mind, however, that he DID experiment with other women when we were previously broken up, and he said it was unnatural and unappealing to him. Personally, I have been in two other relationships besides this one. I know what I want. I've got my own life figured out (to an extent). What do I do while he figures out this existential crisis of his? I don't want to keep being hurt by the things he says, but he keeps telling me I'm the most important person in his life, his best friend...I'm so damn confused man. I have already come to terms with breaking up again. It will be so difficult but much easier than the first time. But then what about our living situation? If he comes back from this, can we ever really be happy? We will have to spend the rest of our relationship with the memory of this discussion, and I will never fully be able to trust him after he has broken my heart twice just to get a taste of other women. Patriarchy has made both of us a victim here. He woke up this morning and acted as if nothing was wrong and everything was normal. Wtf? What should be my next step?
View related questions:
a break, best friend, broke up, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 April 2017):
 "He doesn't know what makes him happy, he doesn't know what his purpose is, he doesn't feel like he has done anything with his life"
Well, if he is the same age as you, no wonder he feels this way. He's barely become an adult, he has barely lived. This is why any serious relationship with men below the age of 25 is absolutely hopeless and a waste of time. Sorry to be blunt, but ALL the guys I dated who were under 25 years of age were like this. Didn't know what they wanted, didn't know who they were, didn't feel like the did anything in life, didn't know where they were headed, they were are completely aloof and irresponsible and relationships were so important to them one day, then the next they had forgotten who I was.
Really. Boys under 25, in general, don't have their shit together. And that's ok. Just don't expect anything from them, or expect a serious relationship of any kind. Even some men above 25 are still in this "don't know who I am" phase of their lives. I found that after 30, most of them FINALLY wise up and get a grip. I think todays society treats a lot of young men like kids or teenagers, they never really have to grow up, so they don't. Women still have expectations to meet, we're still supposed to be so smart and know it all from an early age and preferably even be married with kids by 25... According to social code. So we get our shit together, because it's expected of us. But no one expects a guy to grow up, maybe not until he reaches 30 or 40! So they are irresponsible and aloof and just drift around until then. "I don't know what I want" is a luxury children can have... and these days, men under 25 also, or so it seems.
No, you will never be able to fully trust him again. And believe me, he WILL do this again. He has already broken your heart twice, he will repeat the cycle until he is finally ready to act mature. And depending on his age, I would say that will not happen until he is 25-30 years old. Sorry. This is an age thing, though. Doesn't matter how amazing you are as a girlfriend, or as a person in general. He just isn't old enough or mature enough to appreciate it or get a grip on himself and get his shit together. This is something that comes with age and experience... Not something that dawns on you when you meet the right person. It's a process from inside out. When he knows what he wants and who he is, that is when he will be ready for a committed relationship and make it a happy one and make it last. And then, at that time, it's almost irrelevant what woman he gets together with, because when he's mature and if she is mature, they will make it work. Almost no matter who they are as people. Sorry to say so, but you have met this guy at a time in his life where he is not ready.
Move on, that is my best advice to you. You will love again. Don't you worry about that. You will find love and happiness again, with someone else, someone who wont break your heart this way.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 April 2017):
 First of all, you are NOT under a contract to live together until the end of the year. You may be under a contract to pay the rent on your living space but one of you can move out if you can get someone else to take over your share of the rent. If the place is cheap enough for one of you to afford, the other can simply move out. You do not have to be stuck in this situation for months.
Assuming your boyfriend is of a similar age to you, he needs to figure out FOR HIMSELF what he wants to do with his life and what will make him feel complete and fulfilled.
Strange that he wants to experience other women yet, when given the chance, finds the experience unnatural and unappealing. Just a question: is he confident of his sexuality? Just because he has had a relationship with one woman (you), does not necessarily mean he does not hanker towards a relationship with a man, especially given his "unnatural and unappealing" comment. Or perhaps that just meant he had one night stands but is the sort of person who needs to feel a bond with someone before having sex with them.
These are all conjectures as I obviously don't know anything about your boyfriend apart from what you have written. However, these are the things which jump out.
In your shoes I would be figuring out what YOU want and then going for it. Your boyfriend is not in a good place in his life at the moment. Do not fall into the trap of mothering him or trying to be his therapist. You need a partner, not a child or a patient. He, on the other hand, needs to figure out what will make him feel good about life and go for it as well.
...............................
|
