A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been happily dating a divorced man with two children of ten and 12 for a year. Mine has grown up. We get on well and the six elements I look for ie trust, loyalty, good job, own home, sense of humour and intellect are all there. We all get on well as a blended family. I just find that he is a thinker and Im a feeler in that I love intimacy and affection whereas for him thats really for the bedroom. He also suffers from complete lack of ejaculation during sex and has never come inside me or his ex wife, of two ex girlfriends, for ten years or more before me and I relieve him by hand. He wont talk about it and I accept that. You cant have it all and I realise that. I just wonder if Im compromising too much. I have to go to him for cuddles and kisses. Is this a dealbreaker as I am quite tactile. I am no spring chicken and good men are hard to find.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2017):
 If you need to question it then their must be something wrong in the relationship. Personally it would drive me crazy if my partner didn't talk to me about personal issues. He needs to open up more to you.
As for the intimacy, well it is true that everyone is different and have different needs, again you need to meet in the middle. I know if I want a hug I would go to my partner, does he turn you away?
You are only in your early 40s men are not that scarce at your age. Don't settle for someone if you are not feeling a strong connection. Yes he may tick all the boxes on your list but something more than that needs to click. Yes we take the good with the bad but after a year you are having doubts that is not a good sign.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2017): OP here. Thank for for your heartfelt replies. I have followed your posts WO and can tell you truly loved your "Gone too soon" partner. I remember how you next love treated you so harshly and how you found love again with a good but quite different character. Life's rich tapestries eh xx Its all a journey for us and I enjoy asking all your opinions as there are so many different ways to look at things in life. I find each reply here has offered me food for thought and thank each and every one of you for taking time to read and reply. Many thanks xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): Don't let all the scaremongering about the man shortage keep you in an unhappy situation . Older men seem to be living this panic mode and really using it to treat women however they like with absolutely no
Regard to our emotional needs
Be strong . Does he meet your needs yes or no ? There is your answer . Sounds like he is pretty adamant he won't be changing any
Time in the future
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): I'm not sure if he is withholding affection, or he is one of those kind of men who feels awkward expressing spontaneous and gratuitous acts of affection; or who thinks it's not masculine behavior to be lovey-dovey. Some guys actually think it's stupid to show affection. I don't like men who think like that. I despise them. Thank God, my dad wasn't one of those assh*les!
Some men are raised to be tough and macho. They are not given hugs or kisses by either their mothers or fathers; because they're male. We are raised by a different standard and under different conditions from girls. Myself included.
I shouldn't cry or be openly emotional. I do, but still feel I have to hide it. Society conditioned me beyond my upbringing. I had to follow the status quo.
Tactile expressions of affection and intimacy just doesn't come natural for some people (male or female): because they were never given it, and they are not used to it. Simply put; they are so conditioned that they really don't know how. It feels silly, even uncomfortable to do it. It makes them squirm, they're unable to be touched affectionately, and they can't reach an orgasm. Unless manually-manipulated by masturbation. Never by intercourse. Sometimes it takes so long; you give-up even trying. They're too hung-up in their heads, or were over-conditioned as children. Especially by religion or culture.
Subtle coaching helps to modify this behavior. Done with love, not with the intent to change someone. Take his hand, and hold it in yours when talking. Briefly, don't shock him or give him the impression you're demanding that he respond. Just do it. Do it now and then without saying a word. He'll get used to it. Even start to expect it. He has to learn to accept it first. Lie your head in his lap. Stroke his head or tease his hair when he's resting. If he pulls away or gives you a nasty look. BIG RED-FLAG!!! HUGE RED-FLAG!!! It's likely there's no hope.
If he never ejaculates inside you; it is likely, he has conditioned himself to "pull-out" before cumming to avoid getting someone pregnant. Lots of guys practice the "pull-out method." It doesn't work; because pre-ejaculate is enough, if you've got frisky swimmers. He is also a guy with his brain constantly working and going through too many thoughts to relax to the moment.
He is probably self-conscious and too concerned about his performance. Analyzing and studying all sorts of stuff related, and unrelated, to the sex-act. Maybe even hoping he doesn't cum too soon, or without you. Feeling frustrated if you don't orgasm, or if he hasn't really made a woman orgasm before. He feels he's inept; but prefers to project onto his mate. It's her fault. She's either frigid, or a slut. Nothing like being judged when you think he's engaged and enjoying the pleasure! Now after years of this same conditioning, it has now become his permanent mindset in his sexual-performance. If he's late 50's, 60's, or over; he may not change.
Nothing is worse than having a partner who will not discuss intimacy or problems in the relationship.
That stubbornness is to avoid criticism, resistance to change, to stay in their self-protected/self-designed comfort-zone; and to maintain a position of power and authority. That's old-school thought; and how far too many so-called "macho-men" were raised. In America, that conditioning came during the "John Wayne Era." Actors portrayed machismo as tough, cold, and distant. The guy is always in-charge. He should never appear unmanly.
"The man conducts sex, he provides, he protects, and he controls." The guy calls all the shots. Affection is viewed as girlish and wimpy. Too soft! Some will pat, kiss, and hug the dog all-day; and will only give his wife an obligatory-peck. Affections is also learned-behavior. You have to see it demonstrated by your male role-models from childhood on. It becomes fixated in your head, and determined to be necessary in your subconscious-mind. Not only will you give it, you'll want it. You'll crave it, like you and I do.
You can set strict rules and expectations. Set criteria like you've listed; but it comes down to who you have. Perfection is not earthly; but compatibility is achievable.
He is old-school and set in his ways. Does he love you so much he would be open-minded and willing to learn a few new tricks? If he is so hardcore against open-communication, even with all the other desired criteria and attributes; he is canceling-out a very necessary element. That which creates and establishes trust, that which fuels love, and rewards your loyalty. It is the open-door to his heart and soul. That element is open-communication.
You can't read his mind. Sometimes you have to talk about it. He has to know what you need, how you feel, and care what you want. You should feel free to express it. It's not always easy to articulate your feelings; but given a reasonable chance you can try. It's proof he cares. He is not obligated, nor is it reasonable, to always have to listen to a list of demands and a never-ending chain of unfulfilled desires. Some people never get enough, no matter how much you try. You don't sound unreasonable. You're mature and wise enough to know what you should expect in a relationship. Equality and reciprocity! Necessary, not optional! I feel you! I could have written your post!
Not only is he to be your lover, but he's raising children. Not just boys, hopefully! These are their formative years!
Try the coaching I suggested. Ask for a kiss, out of the blue. Give him a kiss leaving and coming home. Don't grade or evaluate it on a scale. Accept it as it comes. Put his arms around your waist, and yours around his neck. Tell him that's what you like. You also have to reprogram him to understand what comes with the package. You have needs you wish to be met, and if you're committing your love and loyalty; it comes with that as the price.
I had to coach my now deceased-partner; because he was raised in a family of six brothers, and three sisters .
His dad wasn't affectionate; though he was kind and loving. His mom was not allowed to "baby" or "coddle" his sons. His mom did it anyway; but being close to his father, he mimicked his dad's tough-guy style. Show no emotion!
He was also suppressing his homosexual-attraction to guys. He was totally closeted and in deep denial. Which shows even under those conditions, it doesn't guarantee a boy will not be gay. Affection is a human need. We are "weird" when deprived of physical-affection. We are "wired" to want it.
I had to show him it's okay to relax when hugged!!! Simply snuggling creates oxytocin (the hormone that makes you feel calm and relaxed); and kissing creates a whole list of feel-good hormones. To include: dopamine, seratonin, vasopresson, and norepinephrine. These are what makes love stick and bonds you to a person you've selected as your romantic-partner. It also generates pheromones that draws us to each other sexually.
His holding-back can be considered a red-flag; as confirmed by the fact he will not discuss something very important to you. I guess you must weigh the pros and cons, if you plan on taking the step towards marriage. I suggest resolving this issue before seriously committing to marriage or a long-term relationship. Age has nothing to do with what you deserve and desire from your mate. Nature will decide when you can't perform sexually; but you can decide who you want to be with when it happens.
This is the time-period you work your way through these problems. I am not suggesting that you analyze him psychologically, or attack his sexual-performance. That's emasculating and mean. Use your feminine instincts or work your way around his shields; and weaken his defenses. If you can't coach him how to be affectionate and he is totally resistant; decide how important affection is to you. Judge by that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): Hello Ciar he has no worry of me falling pregnant as I am on the pill. He avoids the subject of how he had children too. He hardly compliments me but shows me with gestures he cares and is reliable and true to his word. He is keen to have a longterm relationship and even talked about me selling my home. There isnt much physical affection but we do hold hands when out
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 April 2017):
 Being more of a thinker than a feeler myself I can relate to him.
Perhaps you need to be more specific about what intimacy and affection look like in practice. Random hugs, tickles, compliments? Does he do any of that now? How often would you prefer it to be?
Unless his children were conceived by IVF he had to ejaculated inside his ex at least twice. I'm not sure what his issue is but it might be small enough, to him, that it's not worth all the emotional housecleaning, and therefore all the discussions about it. I can't fault him for that. Are you still capable of becoming pregnant? He may have deep seeded (pun intended) concerns that he'll end up with more children than he wants.
I wouldn't assume that because he's not as emotionally demonstrative as you are that there is something wrong with him. Your relationship, as it stands now, might be as much commitment as he wants and there is nothing morally or psychologically wrong with that.
You just need to decide if it's enough for you and don't base your decision on fear of finding now one better. There are millions of people living in Britain. He can't be the only decent one.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (24 April 2017):
 Dear Early Summer Chicken,
Red flags:
He won't talk about it.
Intimacy and affection are only for the bedroom.
What I think it means:
He has trust issues and is withholding non-sexual intimacy.
He is also guarding his children.
Some advice:
He is not filling all of your emotional needs. he may grow to do that, but he may also never improve. While it is indeed Good to find a Hard man (or something like that) there are also plenty of fish in the sea. What you need to decide is if you are, or are not, Happy. If you are more happy than frustrated Then you can decide to accept this compromise. But the fact that you are asking indicates that you are more frustrated than happy.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): Does he turn you away if you ask for affection? ? I don't see a problem with his ejacalation "problem" we are all different it's up to you if you can except this ..if he turns you away when you ask for affection then I understand why you see that as a problem and can you live your whole life like that??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): Op here. I am 41 and work out at the gym so and look after myself and hes 40. We are both healthcare profesionals and I only mention the having his own place as I have mine too.
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