A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am here seeking advice I suppose, because I'm finding myself in a rather frustrating situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, we also live together. When he's happy, he's sweet and loving and without a doubt my very best friend.The problem comes about with the mixing of our attitudes, when he's frustrated he gets and angry and grumpy beyond belief. He says the anger isn't serious (as in won't be mad for long, just passing flares of anger) and he doesn't do anything particularly mean or ill-natured, the grumpiness though just gets to me. I can deal with it for a few days, but after that I just start getting frustrated and crying. It starts to creep into my soul and make me sad, as well as I often end up internalizing it and taking it out on myself thinking there's something wrong with me. To me, taking your own grumpy attitude or bad day out on someone else is just selfish. Not to mention, that he's not capable of helping me with anything or even listening when he is in these moods. The main thing is that he's in them rather often, probably once a day at least and when I get sad about it, it just seems to make him angrier and unable to talk about it. I don't want to end our relationship by any means, I'm just wondering what I can do to help with this? I tried spending time on my own and I do yoga everyday and try to stay positive. I have also of course, tried to talking to him about it in all sorts of ways, but it just makes him angry to discuss.I appreciate any help you may have,Thanks so much
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (6 July 2016):
 Effectively he’s shutting you down from communicating as hearing the truth is threatening… this behaviour is a defensive mechanism to control you and his environment, which in-turn makes you feel unsafe, on edge, or maybe afraid to discuss and or approach him; with any matter that concerns you.
The result of this is you will eventually you stop going to him with any discussion, be it good natured or otherwise. You’ll begin to feel, what’s the point?
For me, the point is IF you cannot go to your boyfriend and be free to communicate this particular issue of his grumpiness, you then need to be straightforward in telling him; his behaviour in shutting you down is not acceptable, it pushes you away from him and that is not something you are prepared to see happen.
By the sound of it, he’s in denial of his grumpy behaviour in how it affects you, and perhaps others? You on the other hand are sensitive to your environment (as am I) as your senses are sharp and need to know what’s going on, because you care and like harmony.
This of course has its draw backs and yoga won’t fix it when certain people are designed grumpy by nature… they will still infect us as we are a captive audience. Of course you can grow a hard shell exterior, retaliate in return, but who wants to live like that?
For some hope, they can be taught and learn to undo this aggression, if willing? And as suggested there’s Professional help. But sometimes they need to see from you a firm stance (over and over again). You are in charge of how you like to be treated, listened to and validated of your concerns.
Tell him, you do not like the sound and layer of egg shell carpeting under your feet and that he needs to rip it out!
Take Care – CAA
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (6 July 2016):
Why should your mood change because his does?? Your mood is not attached to his. Ever hear the saying "Misery loves company"? I other words, when misery comes knocking, it wants to make sure everyone is in the same miserable mood.
Why should you keep company with misery? He is not in any serious situation of concern...so...let him be him, and you be you. If you are in a good mood, stay that way no matter what he does.
Two bad moods do not make a happy mood.
If I am in a good, and a person with a bad mood comes around me...tough... You take my happy mood, because I am sure not taking your misery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): It's difficult dealing with this, I have been through it myself dealing with my own boyfriend.I understand your boyfriend gets upset about things (we all do) but I'm curious to know why he holds onto those negative thoughts for so long.I think you need to have a chat to him about why he can't get past his anger. Make sure when you speak with him, you let him know you are there to support him but at the end of the day he needs to understand you aren't the problem, he is. He shouldn't be holding grudges for that long, not unless he has some kind of mental illness like depression or bipolar. I also think you should encourage him to seek professional help. Nobody including yourself, should have to live with someone like this.And in all honesty, if he loves you enough he will listen to you and try to do something to help the situation. If he doesn't want to listen, it might be time to move on because if you stay around someone like this, you could either end up like him or be in a miserable relationship for the rest of your life.Good luck.
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