A
female
age
41-50,
*elplessmom
writes:I have a 13 1/2 year old daughter. She comes to me and tells me that her best friend was raped the other day. i din't know what to say to her but in my head i was thinking with the way some and i mean some girls are now a days i thought maybe she had sex for the first time her mom found out and said it was rape. i know this sounds mean but i just thought it as a first reaction. I don't know how to talk to my daughter about what happened to her friend i was rape at 11 so this topic brings to many bad memories could someone give me some advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): I admire the fact that you can think balanced even after being a rape victim yourself. But you need to give the girl the benefit of doubt... and the boy too until anything is proven. Getting raped and then getting rejected as lying can be very bad. Getting falsely accused for rape is equally bad. Lets not do both. You just have the normal talk about sex with your daughter like any other mom.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 I suspect your daughter needs to talk about it. She needs to share whatever is in her head. You could simply start out by saying, "Hey how is your friend doing?" and then ask her how it all happened. Then just listen and let her talk for awhile. Don't interrupt; don't interject your thoughts until she has gotten it all out. You may never know the truth. And even if you suspect it, your daughter may not be prepared to hear it. Also, she may already know the truth and wants to protect her friend and their family. There are many aspects to this situation. So go slow and try not to upset your daughter or make her feel as though the experience is something to be dismissed. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 In matters of rape it is always (repeat: ALWAYS) better to give the benefit of the doubt to the rape victim. You do not want to leave a woman (or a little girl in this case) alone without any resources and support, you do not want her to feel like no one believes her. It will just amplify the trauma of the rape for her if she feels shamed or not believed. If she is 'lying' (which I don't really believe, because, as I said, I always give the benefit of the doubt to the victim) then that will probably come out in time, but if she isn't, you don't want to be responsible for fostering a feeling of guilt, shame or responsibility around her for what happened to her.
In terms of talking to your daughter, tell her that her friend is probably going through a difficult time and will need extra love and support to help her get through it. Explain to her that she has the right to say no if a man wants to have sex and she doesn't, and explain to her that anytime someone has sex with her when she hasn't given her consent, that it is rape, that it is illegal, and that it is not her fault (or her friend's fault). I'd see this as an excellent introduction to the subject of sexual violence, something many women experience throughout their lives.
Just so you know, I have dated several (four) women who were raped in the past, and most of them struggled with it even if it was long ago, they suffered with feelings of guilt and shame, wondering if there was more they could have done, etc. Dealing with these women really opened my eyes to the subject, and influences the way I approach these sorts of situations. My 16 year old cousin (who I am pretty close to, I regard her like a niece, and she looks up to me) was raped last year as well, by a boy who was supposedly her boyfriend (not very boyfriendly behavior) and even though she was hospitalized for her injuries (bruises, a fractured wrist, bleeding) many, many kids at her school doubted her story. She became known as a slut, and people began spreading rumors about her, she is still dealing with the stigma of being raped today, it has broken my heart to watch her dealing with this. So I try to be a place of comfort and support for her.
You can try and do the same for this little girl, she needs support, not doubt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Oh my goodness. Please don't tell your daughter that you think her friend is lying. If you want to discuss some issues about sexuality, rape, virginity etc., go right ahead, but I honestly don't think it's your place to be judging whether the girl is telling the truth or not. It's between the girl, her family, and the boy in question.
As a rape victim yourself Im sure you understand that rape is a serious thing and you can do more damage by suggesting the person is lying. There is nothing to be gained by putting your two cents in. Even if the girl is lying, and YOU WILL NEVER KNOW, you still don't have any responsibility to pass judgement.
Talk to your daughter about what she thinks of all this. If you feel worried that she has the wrong idea about some things, talk to her and get her take on things, and give her some friendly advice.
I really don't mean to be harsh, but it's not your decision about which girls ("some girls") should or shouldn't have sex, which ones are slutty or forward, which girl is probably lying and which isn't. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW what really happened. Assuming that "some girls" are likely to be lying based on what you know about them (their style of dress...?) is wrong. Keep these opinions to yourself and focus on your own daughter.
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