A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help my 16 year old daughter has just split up from her boyfriend. It was a serious relationship very quickly they were together 7 months she is devestated it is effecting the entire family what can i do?
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, drb1966  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Ironically, my daughter is going through the eaxct same thing although she is a year younger and the relationship only lasted a few months. To her it is the end of the world and her crying sounds so heartbreaking. My wife tried to console her with stories of her first heartbreak etc, and that went over like bricks in a bathing suit. I actually went into her room and just sat there next to her. I ask if she would like to talk and of course her reply was no, but after a minute or two she started talking...and talking and all I did was listen. After she exhausted all her tears and got how she was feeling off her chest. I told her plain and simple " I can't fix this. All I can do is help you get through it. I know how you feel and I know how bad it hurts. I'm going to sit right here and you cry as long as you need to, I will always be your Dad and I will always be here when you need me." By the end of the day she had started to call other friends and get back on the computer and even fight with her brother a bit. Don't try to fix it. hint** I did have some chocolate that I was eating when I went into her room, but I didn't offer any to her however after about 10 minutes she looked up at me with red wet eyes and asked "Can I have a little?" And I replied only if it will help you feel better, that got a tiny glimpse of a smile.
A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Invite her friends over and tell them to bring chocolate, Haribo and a chick flick.
A good rant about her ex combined with junk food is always a good cure :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): i suspect that you are trying to be her best friend....you need to be the mother. Of course when a family member is upset the whole family hates it for them...but life does go on. Its not the end of the world.
This really doesnt sound healthy to me...maybe you could explain what exatly you mean...mal
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Tea in the kitchen is always good. She cries and tells you her story.. you cook dinner and keep saying "mmmmm... sorry honeypie, but that is life"...
That's what mother's all round the world do.. listen and make comforting noise and pass tissues until she moves on.
I'm British, so I think the tea is important.. Tea cures everything, especially heartbreak.. if it's really upsetting your family, you may need to serve cake, or in an emergency, chocolates or ice-cream if necessary.
PS: Ah, missed that, your British too, then you know what I mean about tea.. helps to give her that stiff upper lip.
...............................
A
female
reader, Valek +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Teenagers can be very complex and in and out of tears very quickly. Balancing the heart and the head are lessons we all need to address from time to time but in a 16 year old, just watch the mood swings and try and empathise lovingly. Tell her stories of how its happened to you,grandma or anyone to take her mind off her own sorrows. There are times when you can be sitting with your arm around a teenager giving them comfort when they really need something to make them smile again, even if its something silly. Smiling, even during a tough breakup shows to the person that is injured that they do still have the means to be happy and thats a fragile but important lesson that needs a great deal of tenderness. Open your heart to her and she'll soon be on the mend.
...............................
A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Poor girl.
I appreciate your concern as a parent and your readiness to help your 16 year old daughter to cope with the break up.
Be there for her and give her all the support she needs.
Also try to make her understand that love is not a bed of roses,there are ups and downs,hills and valleys,thorns and hedges...etc. Some times things don't go as one would expect them not because it is their fault but rather because fate dictates so. Make her understand that some things happen for a reason. Fate will bring a much better person into her life and she will realize it was all for the best. I believe what was meant to be was surely meant to be and what wasn't meant to be...wasn't meant to be.
You can also identify some activities that she can indulge in that will help occupy her minds so that she will not be so hard on herself.
It is too sad for a young girl to go through such hardships.
I hope and pray she masters the strength and courage to get over it.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Maybe because we just had a thread on DC about mothers meaning well but ending up blundering- I'd suggest a very hard thing , that comes very innatural to any mother who sees her girl suffering : step back. Let her deal how she can and wants with her grief, and let nature follow its course. Luckily at 16 they bounce back very well from any setback, so hopefully her love pain will be intense but not long lasting.
I know it sounds like a lame advice, but ,in practice, whatever you try to do- she'll take it wrong.
If you try to get her to distract herself by going out more, to movies , malls, and stuff- she'll say you are not respecting her feelings. If you minimize and try to make her see it's not such a big deal, she'll be offended.
If you put her foot down and want her to snap out of it, -she'll call you heartless.
So,the best is to just let her know that you are always there for her if she needs to talk, and to be patient if she is irritable or grumpy. Other than that,...time heals all wounds. And anyway, you can't shelter her forever from disappointments.
Of course if she should slip into clinical depression, you
will have to seek professional advice for her - but hopefully it won't get to that .
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): How is it effecting the whole family? Please be a bit more specific.
Look she's a teenager and while it might seem like the end of the world to her, she'll get over it. The best thing you can do is stop whatever it is that's making it have a devastating effect on your family. I mean how is she supposed to learn to cope with things like this if it has such a negative effect on all of you.
You have to treat it more casually than you are, if you make a big deal out of it then she will too. You have to show her that life goes on regardless of the knocks and set backs we all face from time to time and no matter how serious a problem there's always a way to cope with it. Devastating the entire family shouldn't happen and it's your job to ensure it doesn't. Of course you should be there for her and comfort her, be a mom to her try and help her, but you can't do that if you can't separate yourself emotionally from it a bit.
If your entire family gets devastated by something as menial as the end of a relationship (I know that's not true, but sometimes you have to see it that way) then she'll just crumble any time things go wrong for her and you're whole family are in for a lot more pain the future because this is not going to be the last time someone hurts her or something bad happens.
You have to let her grieve but in the meantime you can't let it disrupt your routine, most importantly though is not to let it hurt you, you have to be strong one, you're the glue that holds your family together. You have to keep her busy and keep her doing things, you can't let her break any of your rules on the basis of grief either. I suspect you feel so bad for her that you yourself are upset and that's what's having such a negative effect on your family. You have to be the strong one, you have to put across an example of strength. Especially seeing as this was only the first in many times she's going to experience a break up or crisis.
The others look to you for an example of how to cope with these kinds of situations, it's time you showed them one of the most important coping mechanisms, that life goes on and sitting around moping never solved anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): i think you should take some time to sit down and talk to her, obviously she's very upset and she might just need someone to talk to. Everything will settle eventually. The best thing you can do right now is just be there for her
...............................
|
