A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I'm having a real hard time at the moment trying to get back out into the world of dating. I've recently finally ended a VERY on/off relationship and I'm trying to put myself back out there to get over it as soon as possible.The thing is, I literally feel as though I've forgotten how to speak to females. I've never been one of these guys that could just walk up to a girl on a night out and get chatting unless I know them a little already.I use Twitter quite often which I think is a good way you can use to get to know people around your local area with messaging. The thing is every time I've tried recently I've just failed miserably. I feel like my confidence is shot completely, I think I'm a likeable guy, no worries about my personal appearance, I look after myself in the gym, but I have lost all ability to keep conversation flowing and feel like I'm never going to get anywhere with this attitude.I'm not super worried about rejection before as I've experienced a fair amount of it in my time. Who hasn't? It's just it gets a little annoying after a while I guess.Can anyone suggest any tips in regards to:Best ways to forget about this girlBest ways to get chatting to new people online and keep the conversation flowingGood date ideas assuming I get that far hahaOr just anything they think could help a struggling guy out?Thanks for reading
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 April 2017):
 I suspect the mistake you are making is viewing all girls you approach as potential girlfriends rather than as just "people"/potential friends. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Not many guys can walk up to a woman and immediately have them eating out of the palm of their hand. The ones who can tend to make the ones who can't feel like it is easy, and it MAY be for them, but it is certainly not the norm.
I find one of the easiest ways of keeping conversations going, at least in the beginning, is to ask the other person questions about themselves. Most people are open to talk about themselves. For instance, if there is a live band playing, you could ask things like "What do you think of this band?" and then "Is this the sort of music you usually listen to?" and then follow up with "Have you been to any good concerts recently?" and then "Who's on your wish list to go and see live?"
Having asked the question, LISTEN to the answer. I stress LISTEN because many people, especially if they are nervous, don't actually LISTEN to what someone says, and many only listen in order to jump in with their tuppenyworth. There are few things more insulting than having someone ask you a question then not really listen to the answer. As someone rightly pointed out once, you have one mouth and two ears, so listen and talk in the same proportions.
Make eye contact when you are talking/listening (but don't stare without blinking, as that can be unnerving) and, lastly, relax and don't be afraid to admit you have been in a relationship for a while and have "forgotten" how to talk to people generally. Genuinely nice people will take this into account and try to make you feel at ease. If they don't, then they are obviously not meant for you.
Good luck. I am sure you will soon regain your confidence and be fighting them off, lol!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 Where's the fire ? Why such a hurry ?
You said that you ended things with this girl recently, and recently is they key word. Maybe the up and downs have left you a bit battered, you have been put through the wringer emotionally , and now you need some time, maybe a few weeks or months, to sort of get your bearings back.
I know that there's a school of thought that advises , when you fall off a horse, to climb back immediately - to not let fear set in ... but I am not sure if it works for everybody , maybe for you it does not.
I think maybe you are still very hung up on this girl, and that is what sabotates your attempts to join the dating arena again : because your heart isn't in it , you do not really want it , you are, like, going through the motions - and somehow it comes through . You are doing efforts because your mind tells you this is the right thing to do, but in practice- meh. And the energy you project is meh too. So they do not bite :)
Give yourself a break,- of course I do not advise you to get stuck on the past and build a shrine to the memory of the one got away ! - but maybe, while you still metabolize the shock of this final ( let's hope ! I mean, no more back-and - fort, on and off, right ? ) break up , you can just do your thing and let the situation evolve naturally...
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