A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating someone with mild to mid-level aspergers for a couple months now. The first few dates were great. He was very engaging, talkative, and passionate. However, the end of the date was always super awkward. It's like he wanted to kiss me but couldn't tell if i wanted to even though i thought it was super obvious that i did, or didn't know how to end the date and looked super embarrassed. On our fourth date, I pulled him in for a kiss and things progressed from there. Overall, I'm really attracted to him. He seems like a wholesome, genuine person. I usually let him take the lead on what we do for dates. I did offer a couple of suggestions but he seemed hesitant and had to do a lot of research. It's like I derailed what he had mentally prepared in his mind. He's also EXTREMELY physically affectionate. We are basically attached. I don't mind because i'm a very physically affectionate person, but i do realize it's not exactly "normal". Not kissing, but always cuddling and holding hands. Other than that, he has a great job and is very passionate about his musical hobbies. Anyway, the relationship is still new, and i'm still getting to know him. Does anyone have any advice and insight on dating someone with aspergers?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 September 2019):
 @youcannotbeserious: yes, the silly questions just never end! Whats worse is if I answer the silly question, and then they dont take my word for it anyway, because they tend to over-analyse. And then they say: yes, you said A, but I thought you meant B. Because neurotypicals obviously tend to say things merely as an indication of something else.
Most of the time I think the silly questions are just not specific and they are actually asking something quite different. Then why dont they just ask directly, you wonder? I guess they dont know how. Like in your example, I think what they actually mean is: I didnt realize we had any, yes please.
Not understanding how people feel though, is generally a key part of Aspergers. Its not that we dont get it when its explain, or that we cant sympatize, but its understanding it then and there. The understanding tends to come hours or days after the event and after a lot of thought. Such as when I pointed out that a boyfriend of mine had a bald patch at the back of his head. I thought he’d like to know. Instead he got hurt. After he got hurt I understood why, but I had no clue he would take it badly when I said it. And he needed to explain it to me before I understood why. He continued to sulk about this comment of mine, until his hairdresser pointed out the same. Then he accepted it and I was «out of the doghouse» again. But yes, these types of responses I cant anticipate. I dont even know how to generalize from this experience, I just wont ever point out someones bald spot again.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 September 2019):
 Thank you Chigirl for your very informative and enlightening posts. I have long suspected I have AS but, over time, I have learned my own coping mechanisms (not tested as, back when I was a child, you tended to just get labelled as "a bit odd").
So much of your post rings true. The dislike of surprises, especially if they involve people (like unexpected visitors). The need for solitude (used to play on my own for hours as a child and resent intrusion from others).
I have a small number of close friends but can only spend a certain amount of time with them. I certainly couldn't go away with them for a week's holiday or something like that, much as I love them. If I go out with them, much as I enjoy their company, by the end of the evening I am getting twitchy and need to get away from them.
The dislike of (what I consider to be) silly questions. Typical conversation in our house:
Me: Do you want so & so for tea?
OH: Why, have we got some?
Me (feeling weary and groaning inwardly): No, I thought I would just randomly ask if you'd like some for your tea.
The need to be left alone if tired (or sick, in my case). I hate it when OH fusses over me when I am sick. I just want to go to bed and be left alone to get better. He, on the other hand, whines and moans if he is NOT made a fuss of when he is unwell.
On the other hand, I don't have a problem with telling white lies or being diplomatic, or understanding how people feel. As you said, everyone is different.
Thank you again for explaining how your AS manifests itself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 September 2019):
Actually, what might be fun is if I try to tell you how to date a neurotypical. From an Aspie's point of view. I'll give it a shot:
Be patient, they have as little knowledge about taking things litterally as you have in reading between the lines. They dont understand that when you say A, you mean A, and not B. It might take time for them to grasp this.
When you don't want to hang out, or you don't like the food they serve, you should try to lie. They like being lied to. Only be honest when you really know them well, otherwise they will get hurt. Instead of saying "I don't want to", say "I'm sorry, but today I can't because of other plans". Instead of saying "I don't like this food", say "Thank you for making me food, it's really nice of you".
Neurotypicals like to ask a lot of questions which makes no sense. This is just how they are. Yes, it is a waste of time, and yes, logical thinking would show them that there could be only one answer. But they like to ask meaningless questions anyway. It is their way of showing they care, I think. Try to not be annoyed by it, even if the answer is super obvious. If you can't make yourself answer politely because the question is too stupid, just smile and nod.
Neurotypicals aren't always that organized. They have difficulty sorting through things and systemizing things. They're just not made to think that way. So they can be messy. They don't always see that a circle shaped object doesnt fit into a square hole. I have no idea howcome they can't see it, but try to not get annoyed. Think if it as similar to your problem reading facial expressions.
Neurotypicals can't explain things. When a neurotypical tries to explain something, it probably will not make sense. Instead of being frustrated, just smile and nod again. Then figure it out on your own, or do it the more logical way, once they have left. DO NOT POINT OUT that your way of doing something is better.
They are not efficient. Be patient about this. Let them waste an hour doing something that will take you 5 minutes. They will be happier that way, than if you tell them how to do it.
Once you really get to know them, try to be honest about things, but not everything all at once. Reduce lying from 70% of the time to 50% of the time. Reduce by 10% for each year into the relationship. Dont rush this, or else they get hurt.
Do things you don't like for their sake.
If they are noisy, opt for the headphones instead of telling them to quiet down.
Let them bother you now and again, even if you'd rather be left alone. Just accept this, because it makes them happy.
Being in a relationship means you will have to make a lot of accomodations. Make sure to take time for yourself to not let frustratiion build up. Remember that although they do many annoying things, this is just their way of being, and they don't do it to be mean or to annoy you. If you can find a good balance between time to recharge your batteries, and spending time in a relationship, chances are it will work out just fine.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 September 2019):
Hmm, I can't exactly tell you how to date someone with Aspergers, because I have it myself. And I really struggle with dating a neurotypical person. So opposite problem. And, Aspergers isn't a type of personality, people with Aspergers are just as different as everyone else. I dont like music at all, for example. People find that odd, but nah. Don't really like music. Whereas your guy has musical hobbies.
But I do think there are some things that repeat themselves when it comes to us Aspies. After talking to others with AS, what tends to come up is how we genuinely do like to spend time on our own. Really. It's not because we dont like people or are annoyed with them or anything, it's just that they drain our energy. And we need to charge our batteries alone. So dont' take offence, but if you were ever to live together, if he at all wants that in the future, be prepared to not see him for the majority of the time.
Also, when we are tired, just leave us alone. Because the way neurotypicals speek is like greek to us, and we need to spend a lot of energy to understand it, and then to analyze what we're going to say ourselves, how to say it, what facial expression to add with the words, and all of that is exhausting. And while men do this more poorly than women, I am sure they find it equally tiresome. And when we're tired, it's best to just let us be and not bother with it.
Affectionate? Im sure this is just a variation from person to person, but I too have been told Im very affectionate and more so than anyone else they've ever been in a relationship with. I think when it comes to Aspies, we're just that direct and honest. If we like something, we do it. He likes cuddles, so he cuddles. If he doesn't like something, he will 100% of the time inform you of this. Forget about diplomacy. He's probably going to be brutally honest with you. But it's not to be rude, it's just logical. It makes sense to tell you the truth, especially if you ask. Otherwise, why would you ask? So be prepared for that and be thick skinned, because it's not meant to be cruel or hurtful or mean. It's just what is logical and makes sense to him.
Rigidity. If he's made plans already, just go with it. DO NOT SURPRISE HIM. I personally hate surprises, and I've so far not met anyone with AS who likes a surprise. No matter how cute, romantic or lovely. I hate surprises. If you want to do something nice for him, tell him in advance. He will apprechiate it more if he gets time to prepare for it.
And do not suprise him with people to meet. Like, dont bring him over to meet your parents and then SURPRISE, you're entire family of brothers and sisers and their kids and aunties and uncles are also there. Nah-ah! If you do that, he's probably going to have a meltdown.
I think dating an Aspie must be the easiest thing in the world, as long as you can wrap your mind around how we work. In our world, things are very much straight forward. We say what we mean, we do what we like, and we are very honest, loyal, hardworking people. We enjoy a good routine, we're predictable, reliable, we're a lot of fun because we break social rules a lot, so we aren't restrained in this respect. If you have a good sense of humor, and aren't afraid of what people will think of you, and just go with it, I think you will have a lot of fun.
But you need to be able to do activities without him, and not be one of those girls who thinks a boyfriend should be with her all the time, do what she wants to do all the time, and never hang out with friends of her own without him. You need to be independent and capable of entertaining yourslef. Because while he will be a lot of fun periodically, and for the limited time you spend together, he WILL need a lot of time without you. Not because he doesn't like you, but just because that's how Aspies work. Other people, especially neurotypicals, just makes us tired. Because hanging out and talking to you can sometimes feel like we're trying to break a code for the FBI. Do him a favour and try to always speak your mind, only say what you actually mean, and not try to make him guess your feelings. Because he really really can't do that. Aspies have a lot of feelings, but we just aren't that well quipped at reading expressions, moods or tone of voice. And reading between the lines is hopeless. Hints are annoying and meaningless.
With an Aspie, it's perfectly alright to say, for example: I feel sad now, because you did -insert action-. I would feel better if you could -insert action-.
For me, for example, it was really nice to be told that when someone is sad, I could offer to make them a cup of tea to show them I care, and vice versa. Little things like that.
Another things, a lot of Aspies have unfortunately been bullied. Either by their own family, or by peers, or colleagues. We can be naive and trust a lot, but many of us have also had terrible experiences with being taken advantage of and used. This can result in late reactions, and many with AS have anxieties or are depressed. A lot of that has to do with just being treated like shit or being left out or told we are idiots. I've had teachers tell me I must be stupid because I ask a lot of quations. I've had boyfriends being angry with me for not understanding that I have embarrassed them. Such things make me nervous, and in return I am uncomfortable in situations that remind me of the times I got yelled at. No one likes to be yelled at. Just keep that at the back of your mind if your guy feels uncomfortable. That it might have nothing to do with you, but a bad experience that has made him feel uneasy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 September 2019):
Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. This includes people who suffer with Aspergers or any other condition. Someone telling you what THEIR experience is of someone with Aspergers will not necessarily help you to understand how it affects your boyfriend as it may affect him differently.
Is he quite open about admitting he has Aspergers? If so, then it should not be too difficult to ask him how it affects him and how it may affect your relationship. Don't be afraid to ask questions. His Aspergers is part of him. It is what makes him the person he is. Every relationship will have its challenges and this one is no different. You just need to get a bit of insight into what those challenges are likely to be.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
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