A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering what people think of the idea of someone being out of your league and whether you think being in different leagues can cause problems in a relationship. You see, I normally end up dating hollywood-looking guys, not because I'm very attracted to them, just because they are the ones who ask me out and I'm too shy to make the first move on anyone. I much prefer guys with a bit of character in their faces and a realistic looking body...which perfectly describes my current boyfriend. He's also very intelligent, funny, thoughtful and sweet - without putting me on a pedestal - in other words, pretty much perfect in my book. The thing that worries me is his whole family thinks I'm way out of his league and teases him about it a lot, plus all his friends talk a lot about me being the best girlfriend ever (only because I'm pretty good looking, don't care about him staying out late with them and am happy to laugh and joke about sex and nudity with them)... but still, I notice my boyfriend looking slightly uncomfortable. I don't know, I think he trusts me, but down the track does this kind of thing sometimes cause problems? I can't stand guys being clingy or not trusting me for no reason. Is there anything I can do to reassure him? I tell him he's looking good or sexy a lot, but I'm sure there are other things I could be doing too!
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female
reader, Jra-issa  +, writes (23 December 2010):
This is quite an old post... I hope you guys are still together, and have found a way to manage this situation.Communication is the foundation of a relationship. You need to discuss these feelings with him, and decide on a strategy for dealing with these friends and families together. If you are a united unit, then the opinions of friends and family become a lot less relevant.If he's perfect for you, you need to let him know these. It will help him feel more secure and give you both more of a chance to focus on other areas of the relationship.Good luck!!!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Are you talking about this song?
If You Wanna Be Happy
Jimmy Soul
May, 1963 LeGrand-S.P.Q.R Records
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
A-you'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time
And she'll always give you peace of mind
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you
There is a point to this. If an ugly broad cheats on you, who cares. Pity the guy that freed you from her. But a pretty woman... now that is a loss.
But serious. If he feels insecure about being "worthy" of you then that become an issue as any insecurity can because there is a limit to how much reassurance you can give someone. It can also get tiring. After a while you might simply get to a point where you are no longer giving your partner confidence but feel that you are constantly being questioned.
As you said, you don't want someone to question you for no reason. Just because you are pretty doesn't mean you are a cheat after all. Him not trusting you can be seen as an insult. As if people with looks have no morals.
Can he get past it? Don't know. That is for a large part up to him.
I don't agree with the others who call you shallow, you are after all not questioning your own attraction to him but are asking about his insecurity regarding you. But it might be wise for you to point out that you are NOT with the better looking guys. They are ex'es for a reason.
Remember that there is a reason those good looking guys got confidence. They get the girls. Just check your own history. You dated only the good looking guys. Confidence builds confidence. Doubt builds doubt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): I agree with SillyB, you come across as being a bit shallow, pre-occupied with looks, which I have to say does NOT show the quality of someone, it's the stuff inside that ultimately makes us worthwhile as partners.
This is not to say one should not date someone they find hugely physically attractive along with all the other attributes, but looks are subjective - and there is always going to be someone younger, smarter, prettier or more attractive at any time in one's life, so try not to get hung up on looks, to determine your relationships by the aesthetics is not what a long-term relationship will be about.
Concentrate on the good things about your personality, and his, being kind, thoughtful, fun, warm, interesting and interested in others. As for joking about sex and nudity in his group of friends so early on when you've just started dating, as you said he looked uncomfortable, well, he was introducing you as a girlfriend, and NOT as a platonic friend, so joking with guys about sex and nudity he may have felt was a little inappropriate, so perhaps you should just confine this to you and him for a while. Do you want to be seen as one of the lads or a girlfriend?
People have to earn trust and respect, it can't just be given, that is why we date to learn these things about people, and to decide if we will entrust our emotions and open up to someone. If you want this to go beyond a few dates, perhaps try to concentrate more on your boyfriend getting to know him, and thinking more about what you can offer as a partner, opposed to leagues and looks..
I hope it goes well, he sounds lovely!
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 If you don't let him feel it, he'll surely learn to get over it. Anyway, 'leagues' are arbitrarily defined boundaries. If you love him and show that you do, why should he feel he's out of your league?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): People dont come in leagues. If you love him, love him. This is a problem over a combination of confidence and vanity. To think you're better than someone (whether that perception is yours or theirs) and then to say youre in love or theyre perfect, doesnt make sense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Does he have a lot to offer any woman? I do not just mean the perfect personality for you. I mean obvious stuff like a well respected & good paying job, he's stable, non-abusive, faithful, good with kids, willing to consider getting married in the forseeable future, etc.
If he is like that and you are visibly "out of his league" then it would be natural for him to fear you are with him for those reasons. It's natural for him to question whether such a desirable woman is attracted to him in the full-blown romantic way.
That might be what he could use the most reassurance about. Right now he might be wondering if there is one of those "I love you but I'm just not IN love with you" speeches in his future if he gets serious with you.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (9 June 2010):
 You're coming off a bit shallow. Perhaps keeping that in check will make him comfy? Example, don't talk about how good looking you are, don't mention the studly guys you dated in the past, don't read in too much into what his friends say, etc...
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