A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for five months, and the relationship is progressing slowly but nicely. He's four yrs older. 20-24. Him and I see each other around twice a week, sleep together, et cetera. He's very honest, sweet and respectfull. We have been exclusive for about two months, but he still refers to us as just dating and won't call me his girlfriend. When I met him he was going through a hard separation with his longtime girlfriend. She moved away. In a year from now, he is also moving away and I've known this from the start, that whatever happened between him+me would be shortlived. He loves her, and that's ok with me. Yes, he had initially started using me as his comfort blanket, but I have become more than that to him. I feel that even though he will run to her in due time, r i g h t n o w, he's is with MOI. And we truly are in a relationship, so why can he not have the decency of refering to me as his girlfriend? His friends do know we've been dating for a while. Why does a title matter so much? It does'nt, it's more so the fact that he is not using it. Why am I not finding someone who wants me as his first choice and will love me? Because I too am moving away shortly after him so it would be problematic whoever I am with. In the end, there will be pain. But, I am happy with him, so I'm not giving this up. I crave your thoughts on the matter, please read and respond! Thank you so much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): He probably doesn't want to add a title to it because he knows it will be short lived. While things are good now, he sees no future in it. A relationship is a progressive thing. If he were to get involved to the extent that would require a title, it would change things. It would mean that he is taking it up a notch, that there is a future or the possibility of one. After that comes engagement and the like. He, however, doesn't see this happening. He doesn't see you being his wife someday (for the reasons you have stated, you both are moving, he is still hung up on an ex, there is just no future in it.) So by default he doesn't see this as a relationship. He is probably trying to avoid attachment. It makes sense.
Of course if he really loved you, things would be different. Something to think about. But some guy's are slower at realising things than others. Maybe he does have feelings for you and doesn't realise it. The best way to find out is to break it off. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and often distance makes a guy realise what he has and wants. It is worth a try, no guarantees.
If it were me I would try breaking it off with him and see how he reacts. But to be honest, from what you describe I don't think his heart is all in it, period. And not because you are not a great girl but obviously he has some recent baggage, and I think he needs to resolve his heartache before being able to make that kind of attachment with another girl. Overall I think he has been pretty frank with you and it seems like this is about as good as it is going to get. And so far you have accepted these terms so really you got to take it or leave it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): What's the point in calling you his girlfriend when he knows he's still in love with someone else and will be moving in a year?
I'm sure he cares for you but he probably doesn't see any point in calling you his girlfriend. If he called you his girlfriend, that would mean it's a serious relationship and he knows he can't give you what you want, which i'm guessing is a future.
Why get yourself involved with somebody who you know loves somebody else? Don't you think you are better than being second best?
You said it yourself: you are his comfort blanket that's all.
I really fail to understand why you would put yourself through the heart break that you are inevitably going to face.
Why do you want someone you know loves someone else and is going to move and go back to her?
You need to value yourself more and never be second best to anybody else.
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A
female
reader, SweetindianGirl  +, writes (5 December 2010):
well youre friends with benefit relationship is not going to progress. he will end up back twith the girl who moved away because distance makes the hearts grow 3 now aside from that, you wont be his girfriend and if he does clal u his gf, then he will immediately shut down an dbreak up bc in his head the girl who moved away is an will be "the one"...you are rebound and you are thinking somehow rebound will be come "relationship". the one thing i have to mention is that girls like you who know that he ended on bad terms or ended period with his ex girlfriend dotn helP him see the light and try to pursue the ex girlfriend again, I on the other hand, if a guy came to me and he broke up with his girl id try to convince him to go back and see the 'light'. if not then i'd pursue something. wouldnt you want the same?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Well, you've really asked a question, and answered it by your self.
In short: He's moving away, you're moving away, he's not long separated from his long-term gf, he still loves her, you knew it was going to be short lived, have no problem with it, why am I not finding someone who will love me..then we come back to, because I'm moving away too! That really pretty well sums it up in a nutshell.
Neither of you are planning any future whatsoever with each for whatever the reason, moving away etc. etc. and the title girlfriend belongs as a rule to a 'relationship' that is possibly going somewhere, that can have a future, is growing, and no one else is in the background.
This is a 'current' friendship that cannot grow, it suits you both, and you both know the outcome, so may be ask yourself all these things, as there isn't much one can add, as you already have given this friendship an ending, when you both move on. So you're really just ships passing in the night,that is NOT being harsh, just merely going on what you say.
Jilly
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