A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunts,I've posted a few questions here as of late (some anonymous), My (now ex) girlfriend broke up with me just under 2 weeks ago saying that we are now on different levels in our lives but that she still loves me - but not sure if she's still in-love with me. She moved out this year with a friend whom i've never gotten a long with which has caused strain on our relationship, I also don't work or drive (i'm still a student, almost finished just have to do hospital placements)and am aiming for those goals early next year - and to move out later in the year (which was meant to be with her and she knows this). This year has been very difficult for me due to many reasons out of our control, in my own life and hers. Family health issues, my own health issues which have been addressed in the past few months and have made me feel so much better, University issues, friend issues, etc. We have been best friends for most of our relationship, doing everything together almost every day, talking whenever we can, texting constantly. At first I was heartbroken ofcourse, as she is the only girl i've ever made love with. I'm her 5th, but she still says she will always remember me and the good times we had. She has said that she couldn't imagine her life without me being involved in it, and I feel the same way about her. Although I did consider going the no-contact route. She has also said she couldn't imagine taking anyone else to her brothers wedding in January.I know that I have to work on myself, and i'm doing that. This has been a huge wake up call for me, and it may have cost me a really good relationship in which we could see marrying each other. We went on a date (as friends - went bowling (she loves bowling)) last night, it was awkward at first but then we talked later on in her car, and we talked about a lot of things regarding us and the future. I said to her, i'm going to work on myself and make myself happy - and I would like to be able to ask you out on a date in the future when we are on even playing fields (i'm driving, working etc). She said that is a good idea, but neither of us should wait - which I agreed, and that i'd only consider it if we were both single. The way I put it to her was "This is the end of a chapter in our books.. there may be an end chapter of the book later down the line that involves us living happily ever after" - to which she agreed.We had break up sex after talking about things for a while, the most riskiest and funnest we've ever had - on a golf course. I was content with that, but then as we were walking back to the car she said that we could be friends with benefits for fun. We have a very special connection in the bedroom, she has told me how other guys have not been able to please her like I can.. but I am just concerned - if I do the friends with benefits thing, will that ruin any future prospects of asking her out next year when my life is in order? I know it will be fun, and there will be no games or strings attached. I am just worried about the long-term consequences.Please give me your opinions on a 2.5 year relationship full of love and commitment to each other, turning in to a friends with benefits scenario in 2 weeks.. I am so confused at the moment. But I have accepted her break up and I can see where she is coming from and there has been no malice or hate in words exchanged, only positive thoughts and "self-improvement" ideas from both parties.I know i'm not ready for another relationship yet, and judging by her actions and what she's said she isn't either.Thanks Aunts for any input, I really appreciate it because as i've said, i'm still very confused.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): OK friend, I am older than you so allow me to weigh in on this one...i have been there too.You don't sound very experienced with women yet, and so I don't think you realize what you are getting yourself into here. This is not, I repeat...NOT friends with benefits!!! This is not a benefit, this is a relationship that is withering on the vine. Your feelings are involved and therfore you are not her friend. FWBs can (allegedly) hook up from time to time, and when it stops, it stops. No questions, no tears, no nothing. After all, why would a friend go mental over another friend, right?But you are clinging to a past relationship and trying to "post out" (to use a basketball term) any other potential men by reminding her of your sexual ability she complimented you on. It won't work, and you are headed for a world of hurt like you cannot possibly imagine. Think the pain of not dating her is bad? Imagine that, and compound it with her telling you she met someone, and double the hurt with her cutting you off. Stop now, please. You are young, and it may seem impossible to believe, but you will find another woman. HOW??? I'll tell you how: focus on your schooling, build your career up, get some real direction in your life. Do all those hard things it takes to make real women excited to have you. You don't need this girl right now (or any girl for that matter). what you need is to get the rest of your life happening and the women will follow.
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 Friends with benefits are FRIENDS with BENEFITS. You are not friends. You are ex's. You are already and still very emotionally attached to her. You are already afraid of her meeting a new guy at a pub this week. Imagine how you will feel when you had sex with her and she is going on a date with another guy. What you are really trying to do with this FWB thing is to keep her around. Hopefully she will change her mind about your relationship and to keep her from being with anyone else. This will crash and burn and you will get hurt.
I've answered your question before and I'll say it again- you need to leave it alone and get more independent. What you are doing now is allowing her to have it all. She has you so she isn't alone and you are the fall back while she dates other guys. She doesn't have the chance to miss you and choose you, she gets you and anyone else that comes along. She will not commit to you this way. There's no need to- you are there either way. She isn't dealing with the pain of the break up and moving on, she is hanging on to you to avoid the pain of losing you while finding someone new to replace you. She won't have to deal with the being alone step in between.
Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this? Don't you deserve more? You love this girl yet you settle for being FWB while she dates other guys as they come along? The only chance you would have of getting her back to you and fully committed to you only would be to let her go. Stop being there when she feels lonely and needs a date for a wedding. When you are there for her whenever she beckons for you then she has no reason to stop her behavior does she? What would be the reason for her to stop dating and having fun with other guys when you will be sitting there waiting like a sad puppy regardless of her actions? Girls don't want a doormat. They want a man who will stand up himself and not allow himself to be treated that way. Especially this girl, she doesn't want a boy (she did call you a kid) she wants a man. A man who knows what he wants- her- and won't sit around for her while she makes up her mind. A man who stands up for himself and calls this FWB crap exactly what it is- a way to keep you around so she doesn't have to deal with loneliness while looking for SOMEONE ELSE.
I'm sure you will still talk to her. Be there for her. Have sex a few more times. You are too scared to be without her, you don't want to be alone either. You don't understand that losing you completely would be the only way she would choose you. She would see what she is missing, what she doesn't have, that she would rather have you than "Tom" at the bar. When she feels sad she wouldn't have you to cry to or fall back on and she would realize she needs you. But instead you will be the doormat and her go to fallback guy when she feels lonely or needs a date to a wedding. And she will still try and find other people. I feel sorry for you. I wish she loved you more to want to commit to only you. And I wish you loved yourself more to not be treated this way.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 Hi
The thing about NO contact after a break up is so you can recover, so you don't know every detail of the ex's recovery too, nor when she has moved on.
You really need to focus on your studies thats THE most important thing here..your hospital placements will distract you, plus bring fresh faces into your life
Thing is one day in the near future your going to be working,sucessful and have a great life.You will have your own place a nice car and be happy.Let her go her way,painful as it will be,we have nearly all had our heart broken you know. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. To add more information, her roommate whom I never have gotten a long with is a really bad influence. She has sex with many different men and doesn't want a relationship. She goes out all of the time, and as I believe, just tries to pick up. Has two guys she regularly just has sex with, hardly even spends any time with them. My ex is not a bad person, and I don't think she ever wanted to hurt me. Times have been tough because i'm a student, I admit. Very stressful year with everything that has happened as well, which at times, I have been very depressed and unproductive. My father almost died in hospital and was in there for 6 weeks.. She was very very good at that time of such angst and worry. She was the shoulder for my mother to cry on. She also bought my parents a beautiful TV set for Christmas - I couldn't really put in anything as I was really broke. And sometimes we have been snipey towards each other. With this experience, of feeling like I lost someone I had such a connection with, I have really dug deep and am setting myself up for the future. We had a massive fight the day before the breakup where I been screwed over by my Uni, yet again, and I was depressed and drank a full bottle of liquor. She rang me after her nightshift (finished at 7am), and picked me up on the way home. I didn't want to talk about what was wrong because I knew I was still angry - but she kept pushing. Eventually I did, and she was already agitated from her work hours she had and the fact I didn't openly tell her straight away. She said something out of line and I just took it to a whole new level and yelled at her - then I didn't talk to her for the rest of the day after leaving her house. The next time we spoke she broke up with me.I think her parents have had something to do with it too (Her dad), when she broke up with me she said some very uncharacteristic things to me - "You're so immature - you are a kid sometimes.." "You have never traveled overseas - this one especially.. She would never say something like that knowing I haven't wanted to until I met her. And that I planned on going overseas with her when I could afford it.. etc. The maturity thing may be true in the regard that I am a mother's boy most of the time. However, if I was to move out next year I would ofcourse have to change my ways very quickly. And my mother is like that because I had a sister who passed away (Thus my goal of working in the healthcare industry..) I really wish I didn't have the goal of working in a hospital because if I just did a trade like plumbing I would be loaded at this age. I blame myself for the situation I am in now. I feel she may be tired of me not being where she wants me to be, and may be bored and want to go out like her dumb roommate. I really don't know what is going through her head. But she has genuinely said that she misses sleeping next to me, hasn't changed the sheets since I last slept at her house, etc.I definitely think she will be on the lookout for other men. I'm just not sure when.. as she isn't usually the type of girl to go out just to hook up with someone. But her roommate is taking her out Thursday night drinking at pubs/clubs, which I am totally worried about. She has told me she hasn't liked the person she has become during our relationship and that she needs to 'find herself again'. I know that she is hurting right now, as I am, because she has said she has put on some weight since the berak up from emotional eating. (As i've lost some from not being able to eat anything for a week without throwing up.. and still eating 1/4 of what I used to..)Maybe I will just have sex with her a few more times and then say that's it. We have already locked in two dates.. One being next week. I don't know i'm just so confused and hurt still.. We really did have something special and I feel like i've blown it big time with my stupid study. Please keep the answers coming as they are helpful in this awful time!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 More red flags than at a Communist party rally on May First.
I think you are being gently taken for a ride. Not maliciously and non hatefully, but still a ride.
She does not want to date you because she does not want to date YOU- not because you are jobless and carless. What, she can't date a jobless and carless guy, but she can fuck him ?!
You are without a job not because you are a loafer or a loser, but because you are a student ( who's nearly done with studies, too ). I am sure that this will put a strain on your budget and on your possibility to take her out to places and treat her , and it's possible that rather than going out, socializing, travelling etc., you 'd have to spend much time cooped up somewhere watching Tv and having sex. So ?..There are worse things in life, that would not be an issue if there were love.
Ditto for the car. Yeah I know, if you don't drive, that means that getting together often is difficult - again, so ? You could get together NOT often, only that once a week , or once a month ,or whenever time and public transportation allows. If she really cared about you , it would be quality over quantity hands down, she would just suck it up and deal with it.
I don't blame her at all for wanting someone more " convenient " or who fits better with her current schedule, plans, and lifestyle, but she should not give you false hopes and she should not feed your wishful thinking.
Yeah, in one year you could perhaps have put order in your life, and if you are single, and she is single....
But no, she won't be single. She is NOT going to wait for you ,she is not going to put her life on hold for you, she did not promise it, and she is not acting as if she'd ever consider doing it. The FWB = not relationship material holds firmly true for both sexes.
I think she just does not like to work without a net . She may not be in a terrible hurry to be in another relationship, but neither she is in a hurry to mend things with you. An FWB situation would take care of the basics while she looks around leisurely for just the " right " guy, at least she does not have to worry about sexual frustration and occasional pangs of loneliness in the meantime.
You must be very tempted and that's understandable, but if you have a bit of self esteem, it should not be that hard to say " no darling, it does not work like that, you can't pick and choose : "Your c..k is ok, but your companionship/ conversation/ emotional investment is not "
This is a package deal, - single parts not sold separately ".
Plus, obviously, FWBs basically only work if BOTH could not care less, the one who cares more , is bound to be hurt, some times badly.
How would you feel if she says " sorry, I have to reschedule our sex date, I hope you don't mind, but I have just met this fabolous hunk with a great car... I really have to go check what he's about ..." Well, probably she would not be so outspoken, still, you get the concept. If you want all of a person , body and heart, ( like in your case ) being given just the crumbs is more hartbreak than pleasure .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): You are setting yourself up for pain. You need to follow the no contact rule. Why would you want to wait for someone that can so easily discard you? She also proposed FWB, you think thats fun, what happens during teh time she meets someone else or decides to have other FWB? If you think its hard now, it will get worst. Have some pride, lose the baggage, if she truely loved you , she would work with you and wait.
It is always hard to lose your first love, but you get over it, meet people that love us, treat us better and then realise we are better off. You have strong feelings for her and clearly its not returned, dont fool yourself, dont accept crumbs, you deserve better. It easy to give this advise as I was in your shoes and I am finally happy with someone else.
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