A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for the past 8 years. It has been long distance since 2014 due to work and family issues on his side. I can work remotely, so have been backwards and forwards from Ireland, where my family lives and where I usually live, and Germany, where he has lived since 2014, although he also spent a fairly long period working and living there before meeting me in Ireland. He is originally from Germany, but is half German, half Spanish. I am Irish. We never lived together in Ireland, but spent extended periods at each other’s homes from 2010 until his circumstances took him to Germany in March 2014.We have had our ups and downs, as any normal couple does, but one of the things that bothered me early on about him, was his roving eye. He seemed to have a real problem with ogling women when out and about with me, but after several discussions about it, he finally started toning it down. At first though, he would call me paranoid and too sensitive. Sometimes he would be practically drooling and would comment on how attractive someone else was, but rarely complimented me. I had female friends tell me that this was the sign of a cheater, but then male friends would say that it was perfectly normal, and I should think nothing of it, as all men do it.I decided not to let it bother me, but then on some trips to see him, after being apart for a few months, he was doing it again when out with me, and it started bothering me again. I could see he found it hard not to rubberneck a lot of the time, and we had another chat about it one time when he practically broke his neck to look at a woman’s backside and I expressed my concerns that if he was comfortable doing this in front of me, what was he doing when I was not there….? I was told I was overreacting, but he would apologise and say he was not doing it to hurt me, that it was a reflex almost. We had a big falling out in early 2017 and did not speak for a while. It was due to other issues, not the ogling. Eventually though we sorted it out, and I flew out to see him in September 2017. I am going back to this date for a reason, so please bear with me. I decided to spend a couple of months out there, eventually returning to Ireland early November 2017. Whilst with him, we had a big fight in late October about some of the same issues that had split us up, and I was very hot headed in how I dealt with it. There were upsets going on in my life, work issues and stresses, problems with my parents and a close friend in my community had died. I was burned out and handled the discussion poorly. However, he was also being stubborn and trying to keep secrets from me about an addictive behaviour he has that is affecting his finances and our relationship, and I blew up and lost it. We did make up a few days before I flew back home and it seemed all was well between us, although said issue was still not clarified and he was happy to sweep it under the rug. I had my doubts but loved him so much I wanted it all to be ok.We continued to email and phone and he was very loving in all his messages. We then took a long holiday in March and April of this year. It was during this holiday, that out of the corner of my eye, I saw him on a Facebook profile and he did not have Facebook, having told me he deleted it years ago. When I got the chance, I checked his phone quickly, and he had logged into a fake account with a fake name and a profile picture of a football team. I asked him that day did he have a Facebook account and he said no, and that he had not used it since he deleted his old original profile.I realised he was lying, although could not figure out why. Looking at his fake profile from my own FB account, I could see that this fake person had himself advertised as “single” and had “liked” Zoosk.I was angry about this, so I challenged him. He denied it for several days, and only admitted it after I told him I had looked at his phone, that it was him and he had only set it up so that he could look at my account. I did not ask him any other questions about it, but was livid that he was lying to me. He gave me his phone and told me I could look through it and that I would find nothing detrimental, that he was not hiding anything from me. He gave me his email password and told me I could also check his email. I did not go through his phone, nor his email, and I tried to put the whole thing behind me.I got back to Ireland in late April and this FB profile bugged me every day. I could not put my finger on why, but the lying really annoyed me. So I logged into his email. He has Gmail. I could see nothing strange. I was not aware of this until recently, but if you use Chrome whilst logged into a Gmail account, the default setting will save all your online web browsing activity to a log in a simplified format which is stored on a Google server. So I went into his history. Sure enough, several logins to the fake profile and many visits to my Facebook page. However, looking further back, to November 2017, I saw some concerning stuff. A few days after I had flown home to Ireland, he had downloaded Badoo, a dating app. Even more worryingly, a few days later, he had made Google searches for swinger clubs in his city. One of them was a 15 minute drive from his workplace and he had clicked onto the map for its location.I was livid, but sent him a calm email explaining what I had found and asking for an explanation. That despite our issues, I thought we were working on things, but it looked as if he was looking for a plan B, just in case. And what the heck was with the swinger club searches. That I wanted to talk things through, as it looked really bad. That I had only looked because of the lying about Facebook.He emailed a very angry email back to me, how dare I think he was doing this kind of thing, and said that a work colleague had borrowed his phone and used it to look at Badoo and that it must have been his work colleagues who looked for the swinger places. Of course I did not believe this and being given such a ridiculous excuse for the searches made me extremely angry. I pushed him to simply admit that it was him and that if he thought our relationship was not worth it, that he should have been honest with me rather than keeping me dangling long distance. He blew up and accused me of being a slut and that I must be doing what I was accusing him of doing. That he hates online dating sites, Facebook, social networks and that I am the one “into all that”.More abusive and angry emails followed from him. A couple of days later I actually found another fake FB profile. Under the apps, it clearly showed Badoo had been downloaded. When I clicked on it, it took me to his profile. It had no photo, but it was his name, age and he had stated he was looking for dates with women aged 31 to 51, something like that. When I told him I had found the account, he first denied it, then gave me the silent treatment, then said he would call to explain. I think this was a stalling tactic. He called and said the account WAS actually his and he only set it up out of curiosity as he saw his colleague using it and laughing about it and the women on there. The account does not have any messages or activity per se, but I still feel really crap about this. And the fact that he only changed his story AFTER I found the actual account, and prior to that, he had said it was not him.We have met up and he has told the same lies to my face and that he has no idea who made the swinger searches. His phone clearly shows he was at home on that day too. When I told him this, he said it must have been a friend who was looking for it, but that he had no idea who.I have tried to get past this, he keeps telling me to forget about it, that I really am overreacting. What do you all think?To make matters worse, I saw that he set up a Zoosk account after we argued and I said it was over. He has even denied doing that, and said Facebook set it up automatically and he must have “accidentally clicked on something”.Sigh. He keeps ringing me, claiming his innocence. I keep telling him the trust has gone. He seems unable to accept that I no longer trust him and is blowing up my phone and Whatsapp.I WANT to believe him but my head tells me differently to my heart. My head rationally knows this man has been looking for something else, and in all likelihood, has been swinging. How many times, who knows. I would have had more respect for him had he just been honest. A little part of me wants to believe him still. I came here for advice… maybe validation that walking away from an 8 year relationship is still the right choice. In my mind, this cannot be fixed. In his mind, he has done nothing wrong and simply wants me to forget about it all, which would be very convenient for him.I would love your advice and opinions. Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 September 2018):
 OP thank you for the update. I am so glad to read that you have done the right thing. It sounds like a light bulb has went off in your head and you can see it all clearly now. I am very happy for you. Off course it is still hard because you had true feelings, but the way he talks to you and blames you for things are not acceptable and I am glad you have finally stood your ground and said no more! Blocking him is a great idea. I have the feeling he always thought he would be able to talk you around. He is a very good liar yet he still got caught out in his lies, which happens eventually. I am glad you are taking the time to go out with friends and meet new people, and always remember there are people here to listen and help if you feel like you are going through a bad patch after the break up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2018): This is the original poster here.
Wow, you guys are amazing, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I know deep down that I had done the right thing by ending it, but to have that confirmation from everyone is super validating and I feel really supported.
I guess what really shocks me about it all is that when we actually met to talk it through in July, he was soooooooooooo darned convincing. He looked me in the eye and swore that it was not him and that he simply could not remember who could have been looking for swinger parties on his phone. The mad thing is, his eyes and his face... all his body language, said he was telling the truth. He was so warm with me.
But that's because he has lied many time before..... to many people... and he has had plenty of practice.... Now I see it.
And of course it was cognitive dissonance on my part, right? I WANTED to believe that my partner was incapable of cheating, despite the facts... the evidence and his ridiculous lying about what I found (gaslighting), followed by him acting like a complete crazy and accusing me of doing all those things, together with all the horrid insults..... (projection) and followed by him changing the story about the first dating account after I found more evidence that contradicted his first lie (trickle truth and minimising).
I see it all now so clearly. With a little distance, everything kind of "clicks" together, like finding the last few pieces of a jigsaw and finally completing it. I have been in a "relationship" with a facade. This person is not who he portrays himself to be, and now every instance in the past of him being verbally abusive, critical, going off the radar etc. etc. makes "sense", as it were. By the same token, the past, all the time we spent together and the times I thought that things were good, were not real. I think that is part of what is so hard to let go of, because the emotional investment from my side was very real.
I have not backed down on my decision that it is over, and he is still emailing and texting. I have been ignoring him. After much pleading from him, I decided to allow him to say his "piece" over the weekend and we had a telephone conversation. He still could not explain the swinger searches and just kept insisting he has never been unfaithful to me, but then threw in "I have no idea about YOU though..". Of course he could not explain why he had me told two different stories about the dating site, first it was someone else on his phone, then it was him because he was "curious".
I can really see him for the scumbag that he truly is now. He had the audacity to say "I can tell how much I have hurt you. You must really love me"... and sounded almost pleased that he was getting a reaction out of me. And after all the fruitless discussions about the swinger searches and him checking the location of the club close to his workplace, he had the NERVE to tell me that he was in that part of town the other night as a friend has started a business there. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the hell???????
He asked me to give him one more chance. I said no way. He then accused me of being bitter and hard. I simply restated that I could no longer trust him and was tired of the circular conversations and drama in which he would not just admit to what he was doing and that he was lying and assuming my naivety. He threw in the "please come on holiday to my holiday flat, just one last time, please...." line. He just sounded so pathetic, begging me. I told him no and that there was no further point talking to me or contacting me as it was going nowhere. I wished him well and his last words were "I love you and I have never cheated on you. Please reconsider and come on holiday with me". I hung up.
Since then he has sent various loving messages. It is well past its sell-by date and has been for a long time. Time to block him.
I went out with friends on Saturday night and got chatting to a guy. We have a date at the weekend. I am surprised by how little ... to nothing.. I feel for my cheating ex. There is ambivalence. I don't care what he is doing, thinking, or how he is feeling. He has made his bed and he can lie in it and sleep with whoever he pleases. I am free and moving on.
Thank you lovely people!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2018): There is no way on this planet your boyfriend is being faithful to you and I would be concerned about catching a sexual disease off him. He clearly doesn't want to let you go so is trying to come out with his excuses but he is without a doubt sleeping with other women behind your back.The very fact he can't even just focus on you when you are together and he is ogling other women also shows that he has a roving eye. He is twisting things onto you because that is what liars and cheats do.Sorry but I think it is time you called it a day with him, you are wasting your life with this man and you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2018):
 You want to believe him ? Well, I want to believe that fire does not burn , but , I put my finger through a flame a first time, ouch !, a second time, ouch ouch ! , a third time OOOUCH !... I'd better believe my evidence ,if I want to keep using my hands.
Your bf is a big fat liar , and the worst of it is that he has no compunction about it. If, after the first time you caught him , he had apologized, I'd tell you, well, see if you can try and get over it, everybody can make a mistake, or do something silly, sooner or later, everybody can have a moment of boredom, of " grass is greener " during a long term relationship.. But the fact that he is gaslighting you, and , eventually, when he feels cornered he takes it out on you calling you names !- how can you even " want " to believe him,let alone believe him ?
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (8 September 2018):
 Why would you possibly need ‘validation’ to walk away? YOU HAVE SEEN WITH YOUR OWN EYES that he is on dating websites, multiple times! What other option is there than to walk away? You have told him time and time again that you don’t approve of it and his wandering eye but you let him spin you some bullshit then sweep it under the carpet. He has been ACTIVELY SEEKING parties to sleep with other people’s partners. Do you honestly need advice here? It couldn’t be clearer what the next step is.
You’re wrapped round his finger and he knows it. If you were going to walk away you would of done it years ago at his first sign of disrespect. Grow a backbone and leave. How could you put up with this waste of time for 8 years?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (8 September 2018):
Honestly I am amazed that you are still with him. The first time he lied to you I would have been out that door. It is as clear as day that he has no respect for you, it is him not his colleague or friend. You know deep down he is a liar, I could almost guarantee that he has also cheated. Yes 8 years is a long time, but you have both been long distance which makes it easier for him to lie and cheat to you. He has the best off both worlds. Honestly I would tell him it is over and block him from contacting you. Him getting abusive and blaming you is a classic sign that he is the one cheating. Calling you a slut? Really? Why would you accept that? If my husband ever called me that he would be out the door. Please do the right thing before he destroys you. From the word go he had no respect for you, it is NOT normal to oogle other women when with your partner. I am in Ireland as well and there are plenty of decent men here who would not treat you this way. Please do the right thing for yourself and don't be his door mat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2018): Walking away is absolutely the right choice. You are not overreacting. Sure, we all notice attractive people, but ogling in front of you is disrespectful. Especially when he rarely compliments you. He's on dating apps and a fake facebook profile that says he's single. He's not doing it for laughs. He's looking to cheat and probably already has.
Is this long distance relationship worth the pain and distrust it is causing you? You've talked enough and he's lied enough. Now is the time for action. Block him, move on and don't look back. This man is not worth the trouble.
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