A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My best friend from college has been there for me through thick and thin. We’ve been friends for 9 years now. This week she forgot my birthday. She didn’t say anything, send a card or even apologize. I don’t think she has any idea. Last month was her birthday. I sent her a gift and came to visit her so we could spend time together. It feels like she totally disregarded mine. She is rarely single and hops from one BF to the next. Frequently, she dates controlling guys and makes them her life. She gets sucked up in them and can be MIA from our friend group. I don’t want to say anything because I have a hard time confronting people (but I am open to confronting her if it’s best for us). I didn’t want a gift or expect her to visit- just a nice text. I miss her a lot and would’ve liked to chat today. What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2018): Yes, I have to agree with everyone else. Why would you want to confront her?
Friendships are given freely, time and presents and attention are voluntary. Yes it would be nice, of course, if you got the same back, but you cannot DEMAND that this be the case.
There may well be a reason that your birthday has been omitted on this occasion. She has probably forgotten and as Aunt Honesty said, if she is dating a controlling man, then her thoughts are probably rather scrambled at the moment.
My best friend and I have known each other since we were twelve years old. We are both now 57. On her birthday and at Christmas, I would always send at least a card. She made me Godmother of her two children and I always remembered their birthdays, remembered them at Christmas and always sent presents....because it was MY pleasure.
It is only in recent years, since she retired, that I have ever got anything in return. She would never remember my birthday, or if she did, wouldn't get the card to the letter box! Christmas would be a card and if I spoke on the phone to any of them, I would ask if they received the presents and they would exclaim 'Oh yes! Thank you, they were lovely!' Or whatever. I would say I was just asking because it was nice to know that they had got them, not to be thanked.
Not once did I give these presents to get anything back. Yes it would have been nice, but I knew when she was working and bringing up two kids on her own, that she was busy. Her mind was elsewhere. It was nice to be able to brighten her day by giving her a present or her children a present. Not once did I expect anything in return. And nor for years and years did I get anything. And not once did I feel it necessary to confront her.
That is not what friendships are about. If you feel she is disrespecting you in some way and that you should always be at the forefront of someone's mind, then go ahead and ask her about it. But FAR better, is to realise that she is human and ask her out for a birthday drink or meal or whatever. Far nicer and much easier on you if you should happen to forget something. Happy birthday by the way!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 September 2018):
 I'm still embarrassed and mortified about a phone call I got from my second son, some years ago ….. he asked if I had forgotten anything and I said nooooo …. I'm sure I remembered to pay the car registration. So he asked if there was anything else I might have forgotten, and I thought about it, but noooo, I was sure there wasn't. We chatted a bit and then ended the conversation.
A few hours later the bell rang! I'm sure you have guessed it was his birthday …. naturally I rang him right away.
So, sometimes people forget. While it sounds like your friend may have other issues confrontation is rarely the best way forward.
So send a text, tell her you missed seeing her on your birthday and ask if you can meet up soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2018): Next time you meet, jokingly say, no birthday wishes or what? She’ll realize her mistake, then you’ll get over it. Don’t turn this into an argument.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2018):
 No don't confront her, we don't give to receive. Yes it would have been nice if she made the effort and yes it is okay to feel disappointed but it is not enough to end a friendship or cause an argument. She might have things going on in her life at the moment you know nothing about. If she is dating controlling guys then she might not be in the best head space mentally, if that is the case all you can do is be there for her if she is struggling. Why not send her a message and ask to meet up for a belated birthday lunch or dinner and put a positive spin on it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2018):
 Some people are absolute shit about remembering birthdays and other "important" dates. My husband is one.
I have come to be used to it. And WHEN he remember it's all the nicer.
I add people to my calendar on the phone (and I have a paper organizer too) so I'm not totally bad at it, but it DOES happen.
I presume you didn't buy her a gift and hung out with her on HER birthday in expectations that she would do the same for you? But that you did it because you wanted to show that you care.
I don't think you should "confront her" but you COULD invite her out for a drink, and just tell her you wanted to celebrate your birthday with a good friend.
Why make things so hostile. People sometimes forget. It happens.
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